Monday Moments

I don't think I will ever forget that Monday morning.

The unexpected words my 10 year old heart heard from my moms' shaky lips made me gasp for air. The world spun in blurry circles and all I know is that after she spoke,  I no longer had a place to call home.

A decade later, and some days I remember that day more than others. Some days I wonder if that Monday never happened, if things would all be different. I used to wish God would just erase that Monday from all of History and thought somehow that would make it all better.


But now I know that even on that day, He was holding me. He had His arms wrapped so tightly around my heart, and cried with me as my world slowly fell apart. I look back to that small room with navy walls where I stood and see Him squeezing me so lovingly and relentlessly whispering, "Just hold on baby girl. I am never going to let you go."

That Monday led to numerous other "Monday Moments". Moments of such life-altering and earth-shattering pain that even as a 10 year old, caused fear of how in the world I would make it to Tuesday.

The Lord is showing me right now what a  P R O C E S S  this life with Him is. Something foreign to a society like ours where we do everything we can to speed up the process, get around the process, and even look down on those who get "stuck" in the process.

But He's showing me that it's actually what He is all about. His patience, love, and purpose in the process suddenly makes it not so scary anymore-- it actually begins to look beautiful....

A patient Father, walking hand in hand with His daughter down an unknown path.
Some steps are full of dancing, laughter and joy.
Some steps are full of pain, tears, and gasps for air.
Some steps are full of fog, confusion, and countless 'why's.
Some steps are covered in captivating, autumn rainbow leaves, and some are soaked with muddy rocks and twigs.

But never, ever will your foot land on a step that He is still not holding your hand.

He refuses to let it go. Because He  L O V E S  you. He loves you so much that He left Heaven to walk that path WITH you.

Engraved all throughout Creation is evidence of this process. Time, Patience, Growth, Newness & Beauty. Over and Over.

It is not because He wants us to suffer or ache or feel "stuck". It's because He wants time with you to prove His patience, grow your faith, and show even more of the new and beautiful LOVE He has for you-- His child.

Some steps within the process are so painful it is easy to get angry with the One leading you. But He is showing me He NEVER causes pain to His children. A good Father would never hurt His kids and a PERFECT Father could never even entertain the thought. Everything painful comes from the broken world of sin and Satan that we are living in.

But He knows the process is necessary. It pushes us closer to Him, it redirects our journey to the One our soul was created to be addicted to, it strengthens our faith, it brings beauty from our ashes, it transforms us. 

Often we deem God as being responsible for our pain, when the reality is He hates when His children are hurting and is going to turn those tears of ash into something beautiful and redeem it. He wants to dance on Satan's grave with you and declare that what Satan meant to destroy, God has transformed for life. 

The process is a melody sung over us day after day. A never ending masterpiece composed by our Father. Peace being the rhythm and the bass booming from His heartbeat. Lyrics new and more beautiful every day. Logic outweighed by LOVE.  "I love you and will never stop. Just hold on baby girl. I will never let you go."

And sometimes when the painful pieces of the process land beneath my feet, I'm tempted to pull my hand away from His to write my own song. But even if I try, He won't allow it. He knows I need Him more than I want the pain to go away. He knows we'll make it through. He squeezes my trembling hand time and time again and sings, "Just hold on baby girl. I'll never let you go." 

So often as we walk with Him, our hearts constantly ask "what if" about anything and everything in between.

What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
What if I fall down?

But faith is declaring "EVEN IF" rather than asking "what if".

Even if I can't do it, You can.
Even if I fail, God never will.
Even if I fall down, God will never let me go. 


Believing even if healing doesn't come when you asked it to, He is still a Perfect Healer.
Believing even if something doesn't turn out like you had planned, He is still a Perfect Leader.
Believing even if someone hurts you that was meant to protect you, He is still a Perfect Protector.
Believing even if you feel lost in a fog of your pain and circumstance, He is still a Perfect Father.

Because my faith isn't based on EXPERIENCE, it's based on His Spirit living within me.

Because although the process may sometimes bring steps you never imagined you could walk onto, the hand locked between your fingers will bring a peace and fearlessness you never imagined could belong to you.

That is the melody He sings and whispers over you. That is the hope He will never stop extending.

I'm not afraid of the process anymore. Because His song is greater than the storm. His hope reigns louder than the pain. His hand is stronger than the fists against me. 

His love drives me to overcome crazy things my 10 year old heart never imagined it ever could. His hand in mine leads me to be so brave I can't believe it's really me. His constant song propels me to others in their Monday Moments and sing the same song in their ear as I hold them close: "Just hold on. I'm never going to let you go."

So here's to embracing the process, squeezing His hand constantly wrapped around mine, listening to the song of peace He is always singing, and trusting Him every step of the way.

Because you were created to be fearless, and no Monday can ever steal that away from you.

-Han

How Beautiful To Fall

These last few weeks have left me totally speechless.

The only way my heart knows how to respond is with a peaceful, rested exhale of gratitude.

Deep breath in, long breath out.

I am beyond thankful to be somewhere in the world that Fall is so clearly present. Leaves crunching underneath my toes, rainbow trees dancing against the chilly breeze, golden pathways covered in crispy chlorophyll, misty evenings that require hoodies and scarves, and oh so many apples scattered randomly perfect along the country roads.

Truly one of the most beautiful seasons of Creation.

I went on a long run last night throughout the leafy-covered roads. I couldn't get over the satisfying misty oxygen available to my thirsty lungs. As one foot surpassed the other atop each new fallen leaf laced with it's own unique collection of markings, I couldn't help but just worship.

How beautiful this Creation, and even more beautiful is its' Creator.

Designed to constantly encompass this cycle:
Fall Down, Rest in Silence, Grow Anew, Shine Beautifully.

Autumn, Winter, Spring, Summer, R e p e a t.

They don't question these seasons, they don't work to stay within their bounds, they simply just let it happen as it was designed to.

It made me start to giggle quietly to myself when I thought about the season of Fall. Why is it called "Fall"? Don't we avoid that word and especially that verb as a people?

I guess it acquired that nickname for it's habitual promise of every leaf being pulled down from it's branches to kiss the ground. It isn't called "Crunch" which would make sense because of the noise heard loud and clear from the crispy sticks and leaves. It isn't called "Color" which would also make sense because the undeniable pallet spread across the color spectrum on every tree and wildflower.

It's called F A L L.

I thought about that while I ran. I thought about the fear we hold as people to fall. How we look down and even laugh on people who do so. How much it hurts and scars us sometimes.

But weaved into the seasons we see the reason that we fall... to get back up, and to grow into something beautiful, stronger, and new.

Because Winter blows its' way in as every leaf and tree is in perfect position to be put to rest. Silenced beautifully and safely in an effortless wonderland. A break from producing, growing, and shining-- a Season to breathe in only peace. 

Which leads us into Spring where life begins to grow again. New and lively-- fresh and brave.
Until Summer dances in and shines a bright spotlight on all that we have overcome, all the beauty that The Lord has perfected and sprouted up within us.

Each time that Autumn knocks on our door, it never asks us to discount all the beauty and goodness of Summer slowly exiting behind us. It simply invites us to let ourselves fall again. Sometimes gracefully like the yellow leaf upon the green grass, and sometimes hard like the acorn cracking open onto the pavement.

Maybe we need to let something go, to finally fall out of our clenched, exhausted palms. To be renewed, remade, and reborn into something new, better, and beautiful.

Maybe we need to let ourselves fall into the arms of our Father who is waiting with relentless eyes of love to hold us tightly as we just rest there as long as we need. Until He breathes new life into our tired spirits and sprouts up something new inside our hearts.

Maybe we need to crash hard. Because we are on a path that is leading to destruction and away from our God who loves us with all that He is. To completely crack the foundation of false hope so that He can fully rebuild it with His unshakable faithfulness.

No matter how Autumn finds you, don't be afraid to fall. 
In fact, LET yourself fall.
Fall freely, fall with tears, fall with joy, fall with hope, fall with exhaustion, fall with pain, fall with fear, fall with the assurance that just like the leaves scattered upon every part of the ground, their Maker is fully aware of each and every single one. Where it lies, where the wind will take it, where it needs to rest, where it will grow again, and where it will flourish best.

No matter how you fall, you can't fall somewhere He can't find you. He will always find you, pick you up, and delight in the unique colors, scars, and beauty painted upon your heart-- anxious to give you rest and create something stunning & new again.

-Han