And over and over again, I keep asking if there's any other way...
If there's something I am missing or hearing wrong.
If there's ANY way He can just move around and change this ONE detail in our story.
Because honestly this one detail seems like a death wish on everything I've ever wanted, worked towards, and fought for.
Yesterday, I was running underneath the blue, Spring sky and wrestling through this surrendering process. I was just telling Him how I felt-- how discouraged and confused I was-- how much none of this made sense to me-- how letting go of this detail brought about instant teeth clenching and tears of frustration. Then He said something so beautiful but scary that I stopped running and looked up past the clouds:
"I've taught You about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach You about the Perfect Son."
Jesus.
I knew it so quickly that's what He meant. He's been weaving all these pieces around me and that statement was the glue that put it all together.
I've fallen in love with The Father's heart these last few years like I didn't know I could. He's patiently unveiled how He loves me as His own daughter, He's lovingly walked me through abuse and brokenness, He's undoubtedly redeemed all the evil that the Enemy used to destroy me, and He's proven Himself the PERFECT Daddy, the PERFECT Comforter, the PERFECT Provider, the PERFECT Author, the PERFECT Artist, the PERFECT Potter, and the PERFECT Father.
He's proven more faithful than words can speak and I can understand through logic. He's proven to exist in a way more tangible than my hands typing and the floor on which I stand. He's proven He loves me like a Perfect Daddy would and should. He's given me huge and small gifts alike; never overlooking one detail of my uniqueness. He's captivated my heart and unveiled how much my heart captivates His. He's proven to understand each and every detail of who I am and has chosen to hold me when I have nothing and no one. He's shown up when it's messy. He's embraced me in the darkness and invaded shame with light. He's replaced depression with joy. He's flipped bitterness and hatred into forgiveness and compassion. He's bent low from Heaven's clouds just to listen and be there when I needed to talk. He's rescued me from the lowest of all places and given me sunshine to dance in freely. He's completely stolen my heart in the most beautiful way and made all else outside of Him seem so fleeting and meaningless.
I know that I can trust Him. I have no choice but to trust Him. Because when you are THAT in love with someone, you will trust them with literally anything.
As I unpacked that phrase, "I've taught you about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach you about the Perfect Son", I immediately saw a picture of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sweating blood from fear, and begging The Father for a different way than the Cross. Jesus didn't want to die. But He recognized: "But this is the very reason I came."
The entire life of Jesus on this earth unveiled the Father's heart. The world had never known it until He entered. Everything He said came directly from the Father, everything He did was because the Father led Him to do it. Jesus was the Perfect Son belonging to His Perfect Father. He knew that He could trust Him no matter what His Daddy asked of Him. He knew that there was always greater purpose than what could be seen in the moment. And even though He did not want to sacrifice the thing that mattered most to Him on earth, He knew His Father loved Him and knew what mattered most in Heaven. So He said: "Not my will, but Yours."
This is where so many people give up on being a radical Christian. Because they can't say YES to Him if it means saying NO to what matters most to them on earth. Sacrifice feels wrong in every way. Even if it felt "inconvenient", "uncomfortable", or "irritating", it still wouldn't be sacrifice. Because sacrifice feels like a whip upon your vulnerable skin. Sacrifice feels like a thousand pounds of pain weighing down your soul. It feels like death to your heart. Because it IS death to something inside of you. That's exactly what makes it a sacrifice. It feels like pain and fear and anger pushing blood out of your pores. Jesus understood sacrifice. HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE. But He loved and trusted His Father SO MUCH, that He OBEYED. Remember that as you wrestle through letting go of what you hold to the most.
I am not trying to scare you, or discourage you from following Jesus. I'm simply laying out what He calls us to do. And once you've truly encountered the Father, you can't say no. You won't be able to no matter how much you run and fight His will. Because HE LOVES His children. He LOVES us. Just like a Father understands reasons and rules that His five year old simply cannot, so our Father up in Heaven has ways that are not our ways and reasons that go beyond our reason.
And don't forget the resurrection. Don't forget the hope that sprung up because He said YES to the Father and NO to His own way. Don't forget the life that was finally attainable because of His death. Don't forget the Father's faithfulness to His Son's obedience. Don't forget that because of HIS SACRIFICE, we have hope, we have life, we have joy, we have access to The Father, Jesus, AND the Holy Spirit.
Here I am, at the crossroads. Choosing my will, or obeying even when it costs me everything.
I believe He loves us so much that even death itself does not mark the end of our hope, but writes the beautiful beginning to life like we have never known it before. Trusting with every piece inside of me that His way-- no matter how confusing or painful-- is the best way. Holding onto our Perfect Father and letting Him be the Daddy that knows what is best for us.
Look at nature, look at Springtime, look at stunning, rainbow gardens and weeping willow trees and giant, yellow sunflowers that take our breath away from beauty... Each and every incredible promise in bloom around us first had to die and bury itself in the deep, darkness of the ground.
But just like Jesus buried in the darkness of the grave, The Father resurrected hope for humanity and access to Himself. Restoring not only what was taken, but infinitely MORE.
Just think of what He will do with your brave choice to let IT/THAT finally die... He will do the resurrecting, but we must be courageous and believe He loves us enough to first do the dying. What if the very thing you want the most on earth, must first die before it can live?
Let it go, friend. You were never meant to hold something tighter than His hand holding onto Yours anyway.
Your life here is so brief and temporary; I dare you to go all out and give The Father everything-- even that one thing, relationship, habit, dream, goal, whatever-- and let Him create a wonder you never could apart from His resurrection.
Because trust me, He loves you WAY TOO MUCH to let things remain as they are. He knows you are better off resurrected than you ever were simply just existing. But don't take my word for it, take His.
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But it's death will produce many new kernels-- a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me." John 12:24-26
"Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, My Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them." John 14:21
