My heart has been facing so much hesitation.
Fear of sacrifice and fear of inadequacy like to creep their way into my head little by little and before I know it, I find myself doubting.
But WHAT IF God really doesn't love me, or want GOOD for me?
But WHAT IF nothing works out?
But WHAT IF I'm not ready?
But WHAT IF I lose this or this or that or this?
And then my heart feels like it's spiraling out of control and I feel consumed with hopeless doubts.
WHOAHHHHHH there, Hannah.... God never hesitates, He only initiates.
Anything He initiates, you better believe He will f i n i s h.
With all this chaos I was pushing away in the deep places of my heart, I craved some kind of relief. So I went to church to worship. Worship always kicks my heart back in place to where God first intended it to be: focused on Him.
I was standing there praying for God to speak, and the words echoed throughout the church:
"It is well with my soul"
Tears filled my eyes as I felt P E A C E. . .
Jesus, wherever, whenever, or however long, I will go. I TRUST YOU. It is well with my soul.
I was reminded that anything I am afraid of "losing" is never worth keeping if I don't end up gaining more of Jesus.
As long as I have Him, everything else is irrelevant.
But, Lord, it's for You, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The 2 most P A I N F U L words
Philippians 3:13 "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead."
I've had to hold so tightly to this verse multiple times a day.
We all experience P A I N.
Some of us more than others, some of us more often than not, some of us deeper than most.
I believe with all my heart that the pain I've experienced in my life has served to make me more like JESUS. I am learning it is a p r i v e l e d g e to suffer with Him as my Comforter.
Painful as pain is, it's necessary. It's a tool that shapes our hearts. But WE have the power to let it defeat and define us, or let it direct us and strengthen us.
Since I was a young girl, I've been betrayed by those who were supposed to love me most... siblings, best friends, family and relatives. I've learned many lessons the hard way about relationships, family, love, expectations, selflessness, abuse, and trust.
The most difficult thing about the pain inflicted UPON us is how we treat the wound. Many of us never leave the scab alone that God is trying to heal. We pick and pick until it reopens and bleeds again and wonder why the pain refuses to cease. Or maybe you're like me and impatiently want the pain to just disappear overnight.
I'm no cardiologist, and even if I was, I would never know the perfect remedy for the deep wounds in my heart. So who would? How about the CREATOR of my heart; the One who sustains the flow to keep it beating? The One who is named Healer; the One whose heart was broken FOR mine on a cross.
I have realized the 2 hardest words in life for me are these: LET GO.
Even without having the answers in front of me, God is teaching me that I don't need them. I need HIM. I need to trust HIM. He has more beauty and blessing than I could ever imagine beyond the pain that I am holding onto.
Just look at Jesus.
Open up your hearts and let Him invade the wound that you won't leave alone. Those wounds do NOT define you, they shape you and turn your eyes towards The Healer. The future is always brighter because Jesus is constantly making us N E W.
He is FOR you. He wants to heal your pain and shape your heart even more like His.
Let
it
G O
I've had to hold so tightly to this verse multiple times a day.
We all experience P A I N.
Some of us more than others, some of us more often than not, some of us deeper than most.
I believe with all my heart that the pain I've experienced in my life has served to make me more like JESUS. I am learning it is a p r i v e l e d g e to suffer with Him as my Comforter.
Painful as pain is, it's necessary. It's a tool that shapes our hearts. But WE have the power to let it defeat and define us, or let it direct us and strengthen us.
Since I was a young girl, I've been betrayed by those who were supposed to love me most... siblings, best friends, family and relatives. I've learned many lessons the hard way about relationships, family, love, expectations, selflessness, abuse, and trust.
The most difficult thing about the pain inflicted UPON us is how we treat the wound. Many of us never leave the scab alone that God is trying to heal. We pick and pick until it reopens and bleeds again and wonder why the pain refuses to cease. Or maybe you're like me and impatiently want the pain to just disappear overnight.
I'm no cardiologist, and even if I was, I would never know the perfect remedy for the deep wounds in my heart. So who would? How about the CREATOR of my heart; the One who sustains the flow to keep it beating? The One who is named Healer; the One whose heart was broken FOR mine on a cross.
I have realized the 2 hardest words in life for me are these: LET GO.
Even without having the answers in front of me, God is teaching me that I don't need them. I need HIM. I need to trust HIM. He has more beauty and blessing than I could ever imagine beyond the pain that I am holding onto.
Just look at Jesus.
Open up your hearts and let Him invade the wound that you won't leave alone. Those wounds do NOT define you, they shape you and turn your eyes towards The Healer. The future is always brighter because Jesus is constantly making us N E W.
He is FOR you. He wants to heal your pain and shape your heart even more like His.
Let
it
G O
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Accidental Lessons in Atlanta Part 1
After blowing my rear tire and flattening the front, I discovered an adorable coffee shop in Atlanta next to the tire repair shop.
My next visit to Atlanta went a little more smoothly and I returned to the same coffee bar; this time, on purpose. I was excited to see my new friend, Charlotte, and spend a couple hours reading with Jesus and my iced Chai tea.
I started reading 1 Kings where it discusses Solomon's Temple.
It gave an extensive description of the temple... It included things like 400 pomegranates covering the ceilings for luscious, red color and fountains that were shaped like water lillies. How beautiful does that sound??
Each verse was drenched in crazy amounts of detail. Winding stairs resembling a fairytale, golden flowers for royalty and specific measurements/numbers down to the last square inch of the temple.
As I was captivated by the design dancing off the pages, something hit me:
God cares about the details.
He LOVES the beautiful details.
1 Kings 5:5 stresses that the temple is being built in order TO honor the name of the Lord.
It couldn't help but make me think that maybe that's why God pays attention to the details so closely. He is all about His glory and receiving honor for HIS name. So if a project is FOR his honor, why wouldn't He ensure the most intricate and beautiful design down to the last detail?
Then I felt His love speak to me in that place. If He gives such specific attention to a building project, then what MORE focus would He put on MY life and MY story? Both for His glory, but we, as His children, are His p r i z e d possession.
He has a story for each of us if we are willing to accept the offer. A story written by the author of beauty, love, all that is good, and every single DETAIL.
It snatches my stress away, whispers my fears to the grave, and gives me P E A C E about the unknown... He cares enough to hold each detail in their perfect position for the story He has written for Him and I together.
My next visit to Atlanta went a little more smoothly and I returned to the same coffee bar; this time, on purpose. I was excited to see my new friend, Charlotte, and spend a couple hours reading with Jesus and my iced Chai tea.
I started reading 1 Kings where it discusses Solomon's Temple.
It gave an extensive description of the temple... It included things like 400 pomegranates covering the ceilings for luscious, red color and fountains that were shaped like water lillies. How beautiful does that sound??
Each verse was drenched in crazy amounts of detail. Winding stairs resembling a fairytale, golden flowers for royalty and specific measurements/numbers down to the last square inch of the temple.
As I was captivated by the design dancing off the pages, something hit me:
God cares about the details.
He LOVES the beautiful details.
1 Kings 5:5 stresses that the temple is being built in order TO honor the name of the Lord.
It couldn't help but make me think that maybe that's why God pays attention to the details so closely. He is all about His glory and receiving honor for HIS name. So if a project is FOR his honor, why wouldn't He ensure the most intricate and beautiful design down to the last detail?
Then I felt His love speak to me in that place. If He gives such specific attention to a building project, then what MORE focus would He put on MY life and MY story? Both for His glory, but we, as His children, are His p r i z e d possession.
He has a story for each of us if we are willing to accept the offer. A story written by the author of beauty, love, all that is good, and every single DETAIL.
It snatches my stress away, whispers my fears to the grave, and gives me P E A C E about the unknown... He cares enough to hold each detail in their perfect position for the story He has written for Him and I together.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
OKC Tornadoes: The Ultimate Reconstruction
Just like my camera can never capture the majesty of the stars or the moon, it couldn't capture the brokenness surrounding me.
I realized something. Everything I saw was just an outward reflection of something deeper. We are all victims of a devastating tornado of the heart. Our lives are just as broken and hopeless as the twisted up house and fence I was standing upon. As I looked across the vast open neighborhoods covered in debri, I saw people's hurting hearts above their mangled homes.
The tornado surfaced the brokenness we all have within us.
As we are equally and hopelessly broken and destroyed, it may appear overwhelming... but Jesus is never overwhelmed. He defeated overwhelmed. He went underneath it in the grave to find the victory of reconstruction.
I couldn't rebuild every house in those neighborhoods, or convince the homeowners that everything would be roses and sunshine from here on out, but I could love them one person and one minute at a time.
However, Jesus can always do what I never can, better than I ever could.
I saw the power of the Cross reflected within all that devastation. In ONE moment as chaos, pain, and destruction overtook a home, an opportunity arose for b e a u t y. Just like Jesus on the Cross. The process to take Him upon the Cross was horrible, ugly, painful, unjust, and seemingly hopeless... yet wrapped within that terror, a beautiful opportunity arose: JESUS. From the grave... giving life eternally and endlessly.
As He RESCUED us from the destruction of our sinful lives, He will walk with us through the process of reconstruction. Slowly, daily, one brick at a time, one wall at a time, one heart at a time.
Ephesians 3:17 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong."
John 16:33 "I have told you all this so you may have PEACE in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
Friday, June 7, 2013
An Oklahoma Sleepover
I'm learning that the most challenging things are usually the most beautiful.
I packed up my car 103% full of clothes, food, shampoo, toilet paper, cash, water bottles, etc. from friends/strangers of my Alabama community and myself. I mapquested Oklahoma City, OK from Auburn, AL and wrote down the directions on a purple piece of construction paper with a silver sharpie.
I left around 3:42 am and drove into OKC about 6:30 pm. Something about road trips by myself is my favorite. I loveeee the solitude and intimate time with Jesus. When I got a couple hours from OKC my heart started to freak out. It began to hit me that I had NO idea what I was gonna do once I got there, where I would be staying, or who I'd be connecting with.
The whole time on the road, all those worries were in the back of my mind. Funny enough, God kept sending me reminders along the way. The words "Trust Jesus" were spray painted on the overpass and the random gas station lady told me: "Trust and follow Jesus". Even if I forget to remind myself of the truth, God will remind me through any other means necessary.
Something happened once reality set in of all the unknown two hours in front of me: I NEEDED God.
My heartbeat increased like a stampede of the buffalo in view from my windows. I began to pray. But not like a "I need to set aside time and talk to Jesus about my day and the things going on in my life and try not to get distracted as I do so" kind of prayer... But intentional and incessant pleas for provision.
"I know that You will provide exactly WHAT I need, WHEN I need it." I kept saying that over and over again no matter how much my feelings disagreed. Despite my exploding nerves as I drove in solitude, I had so much PEACE. I couldn't figure out why. But now, looking back, I see it was because as I prayed in desperation, I was closer to God than ever before. The closer I am to Him, the more I experience what He is: Peace (The opposite of worry).
Little did I know that arriving in OKC was just the beginning of that desperation. Getting ANYWHERE was a process, a detour, and an inconvenience. I stopped just about everywhere for directions, help, a connection, or some kind of answer... The whole time praying: God, you brought me here, please give me what I need, when I need it. Churches, Starbucks, hotels, Schools.. anytime I thought an answer was there, it fell through.
When I drove on the overpass and saw the destruction to my left and to my right, it felt anything but real. Then I prayed that dangerous prayer: "God, break my heart for these people who have lost so much; let me take some of their burden." Funny how He does indeed answer our prayers.
It was almost midnight and I was beyond discouraged, exhausted, and ready to give up. Literally EVERY hotel in the area was completely full because of the tornadoes. (Except for ONE super sketch Motel 6 that was covered in drunk men with white vans). The last one I tried was La Quinta Inn.
They too were full, but the lady at the front desk was working that time by no mistake. I think she noticed my makeup smeared eyes from tears and overall defeated exterior. I finally decided the only option was to sleep in my car. Linda had a raspy voice that broke into laughter at the end of every single sentence. I loved that. She gave me a big hug and told me that some of the best nights of her life were spent sleeping in her car, so I should be excited for the adventure. She showed me exactly where to park my car where it wouldn't get towed, led me to a big bathroom to get ready for bed, and told me when Continental breakfast took place and to help myself. She walked me outside and asked for me to join her on her smoke break for a bit. We talked about life and laughed a lot.
I told her about what I prayed upon arrival and we laughed together as we both quickly realized that God definitely answered my prayer in a way that I wasn't quite ready for. I told her about Jesus and how much He changed my life. She encouraged me so much and I immediately realized God's purpose in it all.
I crawled in my backseat surrounded by trash bags of clothes and bananas. Covered in the residue of road trip grime, I made a bed out of the clothes I had packed. I got out my journal and Bible and began to have some of the best time with The Lord I ever have. He really had turned my sobbing into laughing. I had so much joy that I couldn't stop thanking Him for the crazy and exhausting journey so far. It was the best sleepover I'd ever had.
I fell asleep surprisingly quick on my pillow made of hoodies, but woke up with a loud pounding on my car. It was hailing so hard that I was nervous my sunroof would shatter. The sky was that freakish orange color and thunder and lightning were crashing all around me. My car was vigorously shaking in the wind and I could literally see a destroyed neighborhood across the highway in front of me. My phone only had 7% power so I called my dad in a frantic tear fest asking him to check the weather in Moore, OK as fast as he could. He said no tornado warnings but that a pretty nasty storm was definitely in the area. YA THINK DAD???
I felt relief knowing that a tornado was not on the ground, but was still pretty terrified sitting in my car with an almost dead phone in the middle of tornado alley. Once again, I began to pray. I opened my Bible and the page fell on Psalm 103.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
I clutched my Bible against my chest and held onto those verses with it as I lay back down asking God to keep me safe. The sun eventually rose, the sky cleared, and I heard birds singing and it was the best sound on the planet. I couldn't help but smile and laugh as I thought about the night before. God DID provide everything I needed. He provided exactly what I asked for: to break my heart for the people who lost their homes. I only experienced a tiny taste of losing a home and fearing a storm, but I experienced something even better: Reliance on Jesus, time with Him, laughter with Him, sobbing with Him, and at every single stop I made, God sent me a stranger that needed hope.
Our journey walking with The Lord never goes quite how we plan, but it always goes the way that He planned. He knew that on June 4th, 2013 I would be having a sleepover with Him in my car eating chocolate animal crackers, laughing hysterically, crying incessantly, and He knew THAT would be the day He captivated my heart even more.
I packed up my car 103% full of clothes, food, shampoo, toilet paper, cash, water bottles, etc. from friends/strangers of my Alabama community and myself. I mapquested Oklahoma City, OK from Auburn, AL and wrote down the directions on a purple piece of construction paper with a silver sharpie.
I left around 3:42 am and drove into OKC about 6:30 pm. Something about road trips by myself is my favorite. I loveeee the solitude and intimate time with Jesus. When I got a couple hours from OKC my heart started to freak out. It began to hit me that I had NO idea what I was gonna do once I got there, where I would be staying, or who I'd be connecting with.
The whole time on the road, all those worries were in the back of my mind. Funny enough, God kept sending me reminders along the way. The words "Trust Jesus" were spray painted on the overpass and the random gas station lady told me: "Trust and follow Jesus". Even if I forget to remind myself of the truth, God will remind me through any other means necessary.
Something happened once reality set in of all the unknown two hours in front of me: I NEEDED God.
My heartbeat increased like a stampede of the buffalo in view from my windows. I began to pray. But not like a "I need to set aside time and talk to Jesus about my day and the things going on in my life and try not to get distracted as I do so" kind of prayer... But intentional and incessant pleas for provision.
"I know that You will provide exactly WHAT I need, WHEN I need it." I kept saying that over and over again no matter how much my feelings disagreed. Despite my exploding nerves as I drove in solitude, I had so much PEACE. I couldn't figure out why. But now, looking back, I see it was because as I prayed in desperation, I was closer to God than ever before. The closer I am to Him, the more I experience what He is: Peace (The opposite of worry).
Little did I know that arriving in OKC was just the beginning of that desperation. Getting ANYWHERE was a process, a detour, and an inconvenience. I stopped just about everywhere for directions, help, a connection, or some kind of answer... The whole time praying: God, you brought me here, please give me what I need, when I need it. Churches, Starbucks, hotels, Schools.. anytime I thought an answer was there, it fell through.
When I drove on the overpass and saw the destruction to my left and to my right, it felt anything but real. Then I prayed that dangerous prayer: "God, break my heart for these people who have lost so much; let me take some of their burden." Funny how He does indeed answer our prayers.
It was almost midnight and I was beyond discouraged, exhausted, and ready to give up. Literally EVERY hotel in the area was completely full because of the tornadoes. (Except for ONE super sketch Motel 6 that was covered in drunk men with white vans). The last one I tried was La Quinta Inn.
They too were full, but the lady at the front desk was working that time by no mistake. I think she noticed my makeup smeared eyes from tears and overall defeated exterior. I finally decided the only option was to sleep in my car. Linda had a raspy voice that broke into laughter at the end of every single sentence. I loved that. She gave me a big hug and told me that some of the best nights of her life were spent sleeping in her car, so I should be excited for the adventure. She showed me exactly where to park my car where it wouldn't get towed, led me to a big bathroom to get ready for bed, and told me when Continental breakfast took place and to help myself. She walked me outside and asked for me to join her on her smoke break for a bit. We talked about life and laughed a lot.
I told her about what I prayed upon arrival and we laughed together as we both quickly realized that God definitely answered my prayer in a way that I wasn't quite ready for. I told her about Jesus and how much He changed my life. She encouraged me so much and I immediately realized God's purpose in it all.
I crawled in my backseat surrounded by trash bags of clothes and bananas. Covered in the residue of road trip grime, I made a bed out of the clothes I had packed. I got out my journal and Bible and began to have some of the best time with The Lord I ever have. He really had turned my sobbing into laughing. I had so much joy that I couldn't stop thanking Him for the crazy and exhausting journey so far. It was the best sleepover I'd ever had.
I fell asleep surprisingly quick on my pillow made of hoodies, but woke up with a loud pounding on my car. It was hailing so hard that I was nervous my sunroof would shatter. The sky was that freakish orange color and thunder and lightning were crashing all around me. My car was vigorously shaking in the wind and I could literally see a destroyed neighborhood across the highway in front of me. My phone only had 7% power so I called my dad in a frantic tear fest asking him to check the weather in Moore, OK as fast as he could. He said no tornado warnings but that a pretty nasty storm was definitely in the area. YA THINK DAD???
I felt relief knowing that a tornado was not on the ground, but was still pretty terrified sitting in my car with an almost dead phone in the middle of tornado alley. Once again, I began to pray. I opened my Bible and the page fell on Psalm 103.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
I clutched my Bible against my chest and held onto those verses with it as I lay back down asking God to keep me safe. The sun eventually rose, the sky cleared, and I heard birds singing and it was the best sound on the planet. I couldn't help but smile and laugh as I thought about the night before. God DID provide everything I needed. He provided exactly what I asked for: to break my heart for the people who lost their homes. I only experienced a tiny taste of losing a home and fearing a storm, but I experienced something even better: Reliance on Jesus, time with Him, laughter with Him, sobbing with Him, and at every single stop I made, God sent me a stranger that needed hope.
Our journey walking with The Lord never goes quite how we plan, but it always goes the way that He planned. He knew that on June 4th, 2013 I would be having a sleepover with Him in my car eating chocolate animal crackers, laughing hysterically, crying incessantly, and He knew THAT would be the day He captivated my heart even more.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
58 Minutes
I work a lot.
Generally on the days that I work both my jobs, my day starts around 4:45 am and is non-stop until about 11 pm.
I treasure my time in the car because I get to SIT and I get to be STILL.
Many of my most intimate times with The Lord have happened while I've been driving down the streets.
But today was different.
I was SO thankful to have time to come home between jobs in order to shower off espresso and chocolate syrup. Somehow it manages it's way on my legs, arms, and all tangled into my hair. With a quick shower, reapplication of makeup, and new set of work clothes, I looked at the clock.
4:02pm
I squealed and did a happy dance in my room. 58 entire minutes to BE?!
The options of what I could use those precious minutes for ran through my mind.
I could watch 2 episodes of Good Luck Charlie.
I could take a quick power nap.
I could call my mom or a friend and update them on my life.
I could listen to Taylor Swift and stalk on FaceBook.
Then something hit me. I could do any of those things. But what I craved, what I wanted, and really what I needed, was time to just BE with Jesus.
I rolled off of the bed, set my alarm for two minutes before work, and tossed my iPhone across the room.
Literally as I knelt and lay on the floor, I felt such a peace overtake me. I began to pray and just talk with The Lord...I realized: THIS is being. THIS is what He wants. THIS IS WORSHIP.
Laying at His feet. Being still. Abandoning worry. Saying "goodbye" to fear. Surrendering myself. Spending time in His presence.
Those 58 minutes fueled the rest of my busy night until I sat down in my car after midnight and headed to sleep.
I'll never take for granted any minute of the day I have to BE with Him. Because at any moment as I'm being still, there is no telling what He may whisper to my heart or what life He may breathe into my lungs.
Generally on the days that I work both my jobs, my day starts around 4:45 am and is non-stop until about 11 pm.
I treasure my time in the car because I get to SIT and I get to be STILL.
Many of my most intimate times with The Lord have happened while I've been driving down the streets.
But today was different.
I was SO thankful to have time to come home between jobs in order to shower off espresso and chocolate syrup. Somehow it manages it's way on my legs, arms, and all tangled into my hair. With a quick shower, reapplication of makeup, and new set of work clothes, I looked at the clock.
4:02pm
I squealed and did a happy dance in my room. 58 entire minutes to BE?!
The options of what I could use those precious minutes for ran through my mind.
I could watch 2 episodes of Good Luck Charlie.
I could take a quick power nap.
I could call my mom or a friend and update them on my life.
I could listen to Taylor Swift and stalk on FaceBook.
Then something hit me. I could do any of those things. But what I craved, what I wanted, and really what I needed, was time to just BE with Jesus.
I rolled off of the bed, set my alarm for two minutes before work, and tossed my iPhone across the room.
Literally as I knelt and lay on the floor, I felt such a peace overtake me. I began to pray and just talk with The Lord...I realized: THIS is being. THIS is what He wants. THIS IS WORSHIP.
Laying at His feet. Being still. Abandoning worry. Saying "goodbye" to fear. Surrendering myself. Spending time in His presence.
Those 58 minutes fueled the rest of my busy night until I sat down in my car after midnight and headed to sleep.
I'll never take for granted any minute of the day I have to BE with Him. Because at any moment as I'm being still, there is no telling what He may whisper to my heart or what life He may breathe into my lungs.
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