The Relief to be Weak

I thought the decision to leave the college I adored and best friends I loved with my whole heart would be the hardest choice I'd have to make this year... I was wrong.  

I have cried more tears in the last month than I think I have in my entire life. And if you've ever met me, you know that is NOT something I am known for.... and especially not something I like to tell people.

I was convinced all the 3 hour sobs, roller coaster emotions, painful days and nights, battles with sin, and past baggage/health issues I was swimming through was just expected and normal before moving to Africa with a one-way ticket. And I was absolutely convinced it would all disappear the second I stepped foot onto a new continent.

I pretty much felt so lost and confused within my own mess I had fought so hard to get myself out of that Africa was the last thing on my mind. The only reason it began to look appealing was to be free from all I was dealing with.

Many people have told me that I am brave. Brave for flying across the world and giving up everything to serve the poor and fight injustice. I could never understand why they would think I was brave for being strong. That's all I have ever been in my life: strong. Or at least, that's what I've always fought to be.

With a crashing and painful dose of reality, God is teaching me what real courage ACTUALLY looks like.

It's allowing yourself to be weak. To stop pretending to be strong. To stop trying to fix yourself. To admit you have a problem. To seek HELP and admit I can't do it by myself.

Once I realized how self-consumed in my own health issues and sin struggles I was, I arrived at one of the hardest choices of my life: I'm not ready to go serve selflessly and help others if I, myself, am not helped and recovered from my own battles.

Also this choice to not leave for Africa on the date I had planned is SO PAINFUL, my heart is covered in infinite amounts of PEACE. And THAT is what assures me it's the right decision.

Will I ever be perfect? Absolutely not. But I believe I can be restored, redeemed, and at a healthy place of recovery one day very soon to go be HIS hands and feet of joy, hope, love, and life.

I'm still going to Africa :) Just not as soon as I had hoped and banked on... I am choosing to trust in what I cannot see. God's ways are better than my desires and expectations. I know, without a doubt, He has infinite purpose in this detour in my journey and I'm actually EXCITED to watch that unfold.

I still have my plane ticket. I am still going to go. I just am unsure of the exact date that will be changed to. I PRAY AND HOPE sooner than later... but my focus right now is getting healthy and to a good place so that I can go boldly and selflessly accomplish all that God has for me.

If you have supported me financially, your money is locked away safely I assure you and WILL be used once I go. God is a God who heals. But His timing is not mine, so I have to trust the process He has set before me. I am asking you to pray for me as this is extremely heart breaking and difficult for me to accept.

I am excited for God to heal, restore, prepare, provide, teach, and most of all draw me closer to His heart in this time. Thank you for your support. I am indescribably thankful for the people God has given to help me through this time and speak the truth to me even when it hurts.

I am humbled. I am scared. I am anxious. I am broken. I am weak. I don't have answers. I am hurting. I don't understand. I am confused. I am thankful. I am angry. I am crushed.

I AM RELIEVED.

Relieved that God knows the future I can't see. Relieved that He is already working and healing. Relieved that no day on this earth goes without purpose if I am walking it with Him. Relieved that I don't have to try and fix myself alone any longer. Relieved that He knows exactly when I'll be in Africa. Relieved that He knows the answers I can't know quite yet. Relieved that He has my best in mind. Relieved that He loves me through each day of this struggle. Relieved that nothing I can do will ever stop His purpose and plan for me.



Thank you for your continual support, our God is good... and His timing is perfect.

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind." Isaiah 58:8

Feeling is Healing

27 days until my big move and I feel pretty unprepared in every possible way.

Packing, immunizations, fundraising, doctor visits, distractions, worries, baggage of my past, and qualification.

God has been doing major things in my heart these last few weeks I'm here in America. Maybe someday I'll be able to write about it all. It's been overwhelming, humbling, intense, and most of all painful. But what all those things add up to? H E A L I N G.

He is teaching me that even when I can't FEEL Him working, He IS.
Even when all I FEEL is pain, He is reconstructing.
Even when I am overtaken with FEAR, He is building strength.
Even when my broken condition brings HOPELESSNESS, He is chasing me with hope.
Even when I want to crawl and hide, He is running after me with unending grace and love.

My feelings can't dictate His character. Thank you, Jesus for always being the same.

He is making ALL things NEW. New is uncomfortable, unknown, yet desired by all of us isn't it?
Most of us are unwilling to accept the changes it requires for the beauty it would bring.

Even this shattered, dysfunctional, selfish, damaged, human heart of mine.

I believe with every single beat my heart produces, God is piecing together a NEW and healed heart that looks like HIS.

Psalm 18:19 "He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me."

No matter where God takes me,  He is constantly rescuing my heart all over again every day.

And He enjoys it! Think about that. He DELIGHTS in rescuing, romancing, and healing your heart.

My feelings are not the truth. HE IS MY TRUTH. I am called to stand FIRM in what He has told me, no matter how strongly I may feel the opposite. I think of Jesus and His death. He begged God, his Father, for another way to bring us all back to Himself.

Yet He trusted despite His feelings. Because He KNEW that the Father always knows our best. 

And look at the beautiful promise on the other side of His pain. God sees the whole picture because He wrote the story. Let Him rescue you and make you new as you follow His calling. You have to FEEL in order to HEAL.