As I am moving across the country next week, I have had quite the array of thoughts swirling around my chaotic brain. Apart from moving out of my apartment in about 48 hours, final papers and exams are on the list, along with a list of goodbyes to be said, and a week of work. But in the midst of the craziness, I forced myself to take the time to be still right now, and just freely write about the bigger issues going on in my heart:
Fear of the unknown pounds heavily on the front door of my heart, but God has confirmed over and over through multiple people and experiences to trust Him. And honestly, I have no reason whatsoever not to. He has been SO faithful-- I would literally be insane not to hold his hand anywhere He leads me.
Fear of what others will think creeps its' way into my thoughts the loudest, but God reminds me in every temptation to live for others' approval that this is MY story. Not anyone else's. God paints us each a different story with Himself, and the moment we start conforming to what others want or expect, or what society wants or expects, we will fall away from our dreams by dangerously falling into the category of "just like everyone else". I want to be different, because Jesus calls us to be different.
Fear of what I'm leaving behind... both good and bad. Letting go is one of the most painful disciplines of being a Christian. It stings like alcohol in an open wound. But it is necessary to go where God leads and find what He has for you. We can not see what's over the hill until we cross it, and it contains more beauty than we can ever imagine, but we can't see it until we decide to take the climb over top. God has told me over and over: "Han, you have to walk AWAY to walk FORWARD."
So that is what I stand in every moment of the day. Even though I can't see the beauty ahead, I know it's better than what I leave behind me... because I'm walking forward with the AUTHOR of beauty holding my hand all the way there.
The commonality between those 3 major issues are the word fear. And God has not given us a spirit of fear, because He is living IN us, we can be BRAVE. He makes us brave. He teaches us to fear the only thing we ever should: Himself. He speaks over us all day that we can be fearless because He is with us.
Rather than dwelling in fear of things that hold no power, I am learning to rest in the only One who IS power. In HIM, nothing can cripple our courage.
What is He beckoning you away from today? What is he asking you to walk away from so you can walk toward Him? What fear are you holding onto that is holding you back? I pray for anyone reading these words to know they can be fearless while chasing Him, because He is chasing you back.
-Han
Monday, April 28, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Little Big Moments
Frail, gray-haired, scared, wrinkle-blessed, and beautiful Lois approached the customer counter with shaking eyes and exhausted speech: "Can I please just get a decaf coffee?"
Her voice was defeated. Her eyes were tired of tears and it was not hard to tell. She made direct eye contact with the counter and nothing else.
Before I started her drink, I leaned over the counter and grabbed her hand:
"You WILL make it through this" I said reassuringly as I looked her in the eye.
Tears streaming down her face as she looked back at me, she just lost it.
Tears and tears as she explained her husband of 30 years has been here in the hospital for six weeks and in a coma. She said last night she asked God why, and told Him she had no other choice but to give up.
"Oh, don't give up, Lois. He is holding you AND Herbert." (Her husband's name that I had made out between her sniffles)
I held onto her hand as my heart ached for her and all she was going through as long as I could before another customer walked up.
As she walked away with her coffee she looked back and mouthed the words Thank You as her tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
I felt my eyes begin to gather up salty tears as I helped the next round of customers that followed her. Remembering the hopelessness that I had felt when I was in the hospital, remembering the unrelenting pain in my heart of desperation.
Lois felt that today.
And even if for just five minutes I could hold her tightly, show her someone cared, and whisper a message of hope into her heart, that made today worth it. That is why God had me at work today.
Isn't that what we are called to? These small moments of extending hope to the hurting and showing them who Jesus is. Regardless of how sleepy we are, how weird we may look to the people around us, what kind of day we have had, or what the weather is like outside, God calls us to exhale back the same hope He first breathed into us.
As I heard customer after customer complain about the cold weather outside I gritted my teeth with frustration. I am just as guilty of staying focused on such stupid and first-world issues, but the problem is that we allow ourselves to stay in these places and ignore the people who are only inches away from losing all hope.
I may never see Lois again. But God sent her to me for five minutes to give the same message He is speaking over all of our lives:
You are loved.
You matter.
Hope is real.
You are not forgotten.
Trust Me.
Let Me hold you.
I will heal.
Who is God sending your way today? He will make it obvious who needs His words, but only if you're listening.
-Han
Her voice was defeated. Her eyes were tired of tears and it was not hard to tell. She made direct eye contact with the counter and nothing else.
Before I started her drink, I leaned over the counter and grabbed her hand:
"You WILL make it through this" I said reassuringly as I looked her in the eye.
Tears streaming down her face as she looked back at me, she just lost it.
Tears and tears as she explained her husband of 30 years has been here in the hospital for six weeks and in a coma. She said last night she asked God why, and told Him she had no other choice but to give up.
"Oh, don't give up, Lois. He is holding you AND Herbert." (Her husband's name that I had made out between her sniffles)
I held onto her hand as my heart ached for her and all she was going through as long as I could before another customer walked up.
As she walked away with her coffee she looked back and mouthed the words Thank You as her tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
I felt my eyes begin to gather up salty tears as I helped the next round of customers that followed her. Remembering the hopelessness that I had felt when I was in the hospital, remembering the unrelenting pain in my heart of desperation.
Lois felt that today.
And even if for just five minutes I could hold her tightly, show her someone cared, and whisper a message of hope into her heart, that made today worth it. That is why God had me at work today.
Isn't that what we are called to? These small moments of extending hope to the hurting and showing them who Jesus is. Regardless of how sleepy we are, how weird we may look to the people around us, what kind of day we have had, or what the weather is like outside, God calls us to exhale back the same hope He first breathed into us.
As I heard customer after customer complain about the cold weather outside I gritted my teeth with frustration. I am just as guilty of staying focused on such stupid and first-world issues, but the problem is that we allow ourselves to stay in these places and ignore the people who are only inches away from losing all hope.
I may never see Lois again. But God sent her to me for five minutes to give the same message He is speaking over all of our lives:
You are loved.
You matter.
Hope is real.
You are not forgotten.
Trust Me.
Let Me hold you.
I will heal.
Who is God sending your way today? He will make it obvious who needs His words, but only if you're listening.
-Han
Saturday, April 12, 2014
He Has More
"Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, amen!" Ephesians 3:20-21
When we are in seasons of life that seem pretty great, it's easy to ask how things could possibly get any better.
When we are in seasons of life that suck big time, it's easy to ask how things could ever get any worse.
But regardless of your season, God is always calling us to MORE.
As I've been faced with many opportunities to stay where I've been life or walk forward, God has constantly been whispering this over me:
"Daughter, I have more for you."
As I look around at all that was, all that I thought would be, all that's disappointed me, all that I've held onto, all that has scarred me, all that's left a wound, all that's shaped me, all that has grown me, all that has shocked me, all the amazing things I've experienced, all the beauty, all the goodness....
God says to keep looking AHEAD. He says there is even MORE.
I don't think the phrases "that'll do" or "good enough" exist in heaven. Because God is infinite and endless. He only makes good and perfect things. He's not about half-assing anything; ESPECIALLY the things He creates.... us and our stories.
A sacrifice always accompanies this adventure to His best for us. A blur into the unknown. That's why so many people don't take it. They settle for the good enough that they have. In shallow friendships, convenient ministry, cliche devotionals, comfortable jobs, easily attainable dreams, and complacent lifestyles.
Even as Christians who live in a land with SO MUCH, it's encouraged and acceptable to seek out comfort and settle for where we are. I'm not saying to be discontent with what God's given you, I'm saying we should never be content with how much of God we know... how much faith we hold in what He's capable of. We should always, always strive for MORE.
If you really and actually believed the words in that verse, how differently would you live? If you knew that He had immeasurably MORE for you, what would you leave behind in a heartbeat? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? Who would you let go of? What and who are you holding onto simply because you're waiting for something or someone better to come along? God says to let it go and walk towards Him, and He'll lead you into something more beautiful than your brain could ever picture.
As I've held tightly to His promise for MORE, all else that once weighed me down so heavily, quickly falls off and fades away.
His future for you is EVEN BRIGHTER than your wildest dreams. He wants more for you even more than you do. Even the best parts of your past are just the beginning of His best for you.
Because He is an infinite being, there is no end to His goodness. We can never know Him deep enough, seek him far enough, or reach a point of "that'll do" when we are chasing Him. Because it just keeps getting better. He just keeps showing us that He has more. A life of endless purpose.
Whether you're stuck in an unhealthy relationship, tied down to an addiction, fighting hopelessness, content with your comfort, drowning in apathy, working through abuse, living the dream, consumed with depression, lost in shame, wandering endlessly, struggling through a disease, or happily skipping through every day...
God has MORE for you.
Because He has an endless supply of hope, joy, life, freedom, and love to pour out on you. He has a heartbeat that has no end. He wants to know you MORE, He wants to show you the unimaginable and lead you where you never thought was possible.
But He can't if you're living your life with a spirit of "good enough". He looks for people who's hearts say I want MORE of You, Jesus. I want MORE than this. He smiles and says:
"So follow me."
-Han
When we are in seasons of life that seem pretty great, it's easy to ask how things could possibly get any better.
When we are in seasons of life that suck big time, it's easy to ask how things could ever get any worse.
But regardless of your season, God is always calling us to MORE.
As I've been faced with many opportunities to stay where I've been life or walk forward, God has constantly been whispering this over me:
"Daughter, I have more for you."
As I look around at all that was, all that I thought would be, all that's disappointed me, all that I've held onto, all that has scarred me, all that's left a wound, all that's shaped me, all that has grown me, all that has shocked me, all the amazing things I've experienced, all the beauty, all the goodness....
God says to keep looking AHEAD. He says there is even MORE.
I don't think the phrases "that'll do" or "good enough" exist in heaven. Because God is infinite and endless. He only makes good and perfect things. He's not about half-assing anything; ESPECIALLY the things He creates.... us and our stories.
A sacrifice always accompanies this adventure to His best for us. A blur into the unknown. That's why so many people don't take it. They settle for the good enough that they have. In shallow friendships, convenient ministry, cliche devotionals, comfortable jobs, easily attainable dreams, and complacent lifestyles.
Even as Christians who live in a land with SO MUCH, it's encouraged and acceptable to seek out comfort and settle for where we are. I'm not saying to be discontent with what God's given you, I'm saying we should never be content with how much of God we know... how much faith we hold in what He's capable of. We should always, always strive for MORE.
If you really and actually believed the words in that verse, how differently would you live? If you knew that He had immeasurably MORE for you, what would you leave behind in a heartbeat? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? Who would you let go of? What and who are you holding onto simply because you're waiting for something or someone better to come along? God says to let it go and walk towards Him, and He'll lead you into something more beautiful than your brain could ever picture.
As I've held tightly to His promise for MORE, all else that once weighed me down so heavily, quickly falls off and fades away.
His future for you is EVEN BRIGHTER than your wildest dreams. He wants more for you even more than you do. Even the best parts of your past are just the beginning of His best for you.
Because He is an infinite being, there is no end to His goodness. We can never know Him deep enough, seek him far enough, or reach a point of "that'll do" when we are chasing Him. Because it just keeps getting better. He just keeps showing us that He has more. A life of endless purpose.
Whether you're stuck in an unhealthy relationship, tied down to an addiction, fighting hopelessness, content with your comfort, drowning in apathy, working through abuse, living the dream, consumed with depression, lost in shame, wandering endlessly, struggling through a disease, or happily skipping through every day...
God has MORE for you.
Because He has an endless supply of hope, joy, life, freedom, and love to pour out on you. He has a heartbeat that has no end. He wants to know you MORE, He wants to show you the unimaginable and lead you where you never thought was possible.
But He can't if you're living your life with a spirit of "good enough". He looks for people who's hearts say I want MORE of You, Jesus. I want MORE than this. He smiles and says:
"So follow me."
-Han
Saturday, April 5, 2014
All He Says I Am
Thousands of thoughts were swirling around my head as I swirled together dark chocolate mocha syrup and white, fluffy steamed milk. As I pulled an endless supply of espresso shots and kept hitting the machine to help it along, I could only hear muffled voices yelling out their orders above the grind of the coffee beans for their morning caffiene fixes. I was unable to focus at work, and my heart felt like it got a brick house thrown at it.
"HANNAH! Where's my sunshine this morning? Are you okay, dear?"
A regular customer finally got me to break my trance behind the giant, silver espresso machine.
"Oh, hi! Yeah, I'm totally fine; thanks."
I wasn't.
I had been wrestling for days. The pain from my past fifteen years ago, ten years ago, one year ago, one month ago, and anything in between was behind me. I knew that. But for some reason, the intensity of those small moments of regret had grown into a giant monster that had started to defeat me. The monster's name was SHAME.
But I couldn't stop listening, believing, and letting him dig his way even deeper into my head.
It was as if I had let him set up camp in my heart, build a castle, and reign as the king.
He specializes in crippling us. Crippling our joy, our motivation, our hope, our future, our growth, our dreams, our progress, and any bit of Truth we know.
He gives us a lot of names too. Often they sound like Stupid, Disgusting, Dirty, Useless, Object, Not enough, Unworthy, Unwanted, and Unlovable.
I got to the point where I believed him so much, I didn't think I could ever have a different name. Unless maybe, I worked hard enough to deserve one.
Thank you Jesus, for chasing us constantly with your love and being greater than the Enemy.
Jesus sprinted after my heart as I sprinted through the dark on a late Sunday night. In our desperation, He fulfills His promises. ALWAYS. He always finds me and brings me back into His arms. That night was a mark of freedom for me. I felt like I lived David's words in Psalm 18 yet again in a whole new way:
"He reached down from Heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me."
Our Healer never tires of rescuing us because He delights in us. The moment we step away, run astray, or wander off, He chases us until we have no other choice than to embrace Him back with our tears and exhausted legs.
In Luke 8, Jesus is pushing his way through a jam packed crowd to reach the home of a dying girl. Innumerable bodies pushing up against his, trying to get his attention, but he kept moving forward to his destination. But suddenly he stops, "Who touched me?"
A seemingly silly question considering EVERYONE is touching him as he pushes through a sea of people. But a woman falls at his feet weeping. She tells him her past story. How she bled for 12 entire years-- considered a disgusting, shameful outcast-- hopeless. Everyone heard her. But what does Jesus say after immediately healing her?
"DAUGHTER..."
The first word out of his mouth, the word that no one had probably said to her in over 12 years, the word that defeated all other names she had believed herself to have, the word that delivered her from orphan and outcast to loved and enough.
"Your faith has made you well. Go in peace."
Jesus took the time to heal, encourage, and free this shameful woman rather than taking time for the most righteous of people in the crowd. He didn't see her for the filth that people saw pour out of her, He saw her for who she was. He claimed her as HIS own. His daughter.
But she had to have the courage to leave her bed... the place she had been forced to stay with such a disease in her day and age. She had remained chained there for 12 years, while shame chanted all the names of hopelessness over her. But her desperation led her to try one more thing.
But she left that prison. She let her disease be seen, she pushed past the crowd, she kept her eyes fixed on Jesus as her final destination, she refused to let the monster win. And she touched just one thread of Jesus' robe, and it healed her.
Now all other names lost their power, because she now had the only name she ever needed-- the only name she ever really longed for:
Daughter.
-Han
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