I'm blessed. So blessed.
I can't believe I've already been here in Colorado for three weeks today. When people ask me how it's going I'm not really sure how to answer... Because it's amazing and beautiful without a doubt... but it's also a humongous challenge in ways I never would've pictured.
I'm learning to be okay with not having answers. But it's still pretty hard sometimes. It's weird for me to not have an agenda everyday... it's hard standing on the truth without my strong community by my side to remind me of it. It's hard to remember what I was taught when there are so many other conflicting, new voices around me. And it's especially difficult to come face to face with new pieces of my heart that need to be transformed.
In the midst of a lot of different struggles and noise, God has continued to speak this word:
R E S T .
At first I thought I heard Him wrong. Because I have so much to change and do and work towards and work on and figure out... so surely that couldn't be what He meant.
But He's made it clear, REST is what He means.
Many of us live our entire lives being told through culture and religion and society that in order to get something good, you have to do something good. In order to find happiness, peace, fulfillment, you have to earn it somehow. This is especially dangerous when we begin to believe that in order to be good enough, we have to work hard enough to reach that place.... once we've done enough "blank", we'll be acceptable. Once we're funny enough, popular enough, skinny enough, strong enough, successful enough... THEN we'll be worth happiness... we'll be worth loving.
I didn't even realize how much I fell into this category of living until I found a lot of my thoughts in a "once I'm finally...." mindset. This is a dangerous, dangerous thought process to be in. Because you will find yourself never good enough. And in this place God says: "Rest".
He is teaching me that all I need to DO-- is BE... and believe He loves me right now as I am. He loved me at my absolute worst; chasing me down with His faithfulness as I sprinted the other direction. If fully He loved me then, He fully loves me now.
He doesn't ask us to be anything or anywhere else other than what we are and where we are. He wants us to grow, absolutely. But the best way we can grow is by letting HIM be our life source.
One of my best friends from college in Indiana who played a large role in who I am today happened to be in Denver last night. I hadn't seen her in almost two years, and I got to spend an evening with her in the last place I would ever imagine across the country from where we first met. We laughed, we cried, we walked by the river, we watched the sunset, we ate french fries on a rooftop, and we were both amazed the whole time that we even got to see each other.
Before I told her anything I was learning here, she took my hand and said she wanted to share with me something God has been teaching her because she felt like I needed to hear it. I smiled back and waited for her words...
"The Lord is teaching me how much I need to rest."
Tears filled my eyes as I immediately understood why she was brought to me that night by no accident. Our night consisted of so much more goodness and encouragement it's hard to believe it all happened. To think that He loves us enough to send us sisters across the country to confirm what He speaks to us is crazy enough in itself, but to think that this relentless love never changes based on anything I will ever DO is even crazier.
Just like the flowers bloom in all their beauty without striving by resting against the wind and being rooted in the ground, we find all we need by resting against the heartbeat of His chest; rooted in His love.
It's quite a breath of relief when we understand that we are already enough as we are... That God loves us where we're at-- flaws and all. He loves us because HE IS LOVE, not because we earn it or deserve it. Nothing about you needs to change before He can fully love every single part of you. Until we learn this concept, we can't let others love us fully. It's funny that the hardest thing to do is to stop doing something. Peace isn't found by doing everything we can to create and maintain it, it's found by resting in the only true source of peace.
When we can rest in HIS infinite abundance, striving for any kind of acceptance, affirmation, love, or happiness fades away. When I begin finding myself in a "once I'm finally..." mindset now, I immediately take a deep breath and say: "I will rest in who You are, because here I will find who I am."
Rooftop Dinner :)
The coolest coffee and wine bar patio we found.
Sweet and Beautiful Eliza enjoying her amazing beer that took her four hours to guzzle down ;)
Joy.
Never overlook an opportunity to rest in a beautiful moment.
-Han
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