Answered prayers, endless provision, new life, new hope, healing tears, relentless rescue, overflowing joy, and so much of God's presence in worship.
Every single thing I have doubted, feared, or hurt with this last year, and especially since moving, was completely spoken against this week. The truth came to full light and confirmation through a room full of 60 strangers, an email, two strangers at a Mexican restaurant, His voice, a hug, and the sky.
I am learning more about the Father's heart than I knew I ever could.
I'll just expound on one example from this week:
Running under the stars and through the cool evening breeze is one of my favorite ways to find peace. I was on a night run like this early on in the week, and I just started to talk to the One who made all the stars twinkling above me. I told Him I knew He was still there and still working despite my feelings of drowning in the unknown and being stuck in pain. But I asked him to somehow let my heart feel the truth and find it through a sister who understood my heart. Because my heart felt pretty alone, forgotten, unlovable, and off course. I was beginning to let my emotions dictate my path; that is a very dangerous place to be. Because our feelings are not what prove us to be following Jesus, our choices do.
I finished my run with peace in my heart, but doubt still doing it's best to knock down its' walls. I had gotten an email about a week prior from someone named Emily who had invited me to a worship gathering, but had forgotten to reply in the business of the weekend. I woke up with another email from her that basically said this:
Hannah sorry if this is weird for you, because I know we've never even met. But God won't take you off of my heart, and I think I'm supposed to just love you. Wanna come to my house for dinner? I would love to meet you and hear your story. And I need you to know something: You are NOT FORGOTTEN. You are NOT ALONE. You are SO LOVED and SO worth loving. I am praying for you, sister!
Soooooo.... basically I read it and blinked with confusion and read it again...The same email was still there and it wasn't just in my imagination. The exact words I used to describe how I felt, were the exact words she used to encourage me with truth. That night she and I ate vegetable soup and drank smoothies. She told me her inspiring, amazing, courageous story and I shared with her mine. The entire night she reinforced those truths over and over:
You are loved.
You are not forgotten.
You are not alone.
You are safe.
I am going to fight for you.
You have a family here.
You are right on track.
Jesus looks at you and sees perfection because of His sacrifice.
You are new.
Tears streamed down my face as I was completely shocked someone who just met me could know exactly what my heart longed to hear. Funny how the Spirit works.
She spoke other things over me that were deeply buried into the darkest parts of my heart. She saw me the way that Jesus saw me. She SHOWED me Jesus, she didn't just tell me about him. To have someone love me this way is a totally foreign concept for me and definitely not something I thought could happen to me. A stranger loved ME before she knew me, when she met me, and continues to after knowing my past and my brokenness. The rare but beautiful gift of a friend who understands and shares my heart.
As if God couldn't make it any more clear; He answered me above what I asked and did it through a sister I never even met. The rest of the week followed this same unbelievably incredible pattern. I found myself not being able to keep up with all He was doing, and just laughing uncontrollably with joy at His constant provision.
When you give Him the space to work in your life, He will use it I promise you. But it won't always make sense or feel right. He is teaching me that no matter what I feel, His truth never changes.
Don't confuse your feelings of doubt, loneliness, pain, struggle, temptation, confusion, apathy, unknown, or fear with God's hand in your journey. If you were truly off course, He would make it known to you. But your feelings are not your answer.
Stand strong in wherever He has placed you-- He won't let you go. People may let you down and try to hold you back, The Enemy will do His best to stop you and destroy you through your weakest areas, and days without answers will tempt you to think it's all not worth it. But Jesus won't ever stop loving you and walking beside, before, and behind you to prove you it is beyond worth it.
Remember, for those of us who are God's children, Satan attacks us the strongest. Because the last thing He wants to see is us loving the lost, reaching out to the hurting, rescuing the captives, or making God famous. The more He knows you will do for God's kingdom, the more He will fight to destroy you. I say that not to discourage you, because we HAVE the victory. I say it to encourage you. However you are struggling, let it push you to fight harder-- because it only means God has something so beautiful for you that the Enemy will give it all He has to keep it from you.
Screw that, go claim your victory.
Don't give up, and God will always send you whoever, whatever, wherever you need just to whisper His heart to yours:
I have you in my hands. I love you, child. I will never let you go or leave you. Be strong because I will fight for you.
-Han
"I may not on my own understand it
My life is in the Hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to you God
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open."
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