I was just about done. My limits were reached and my heart was exhausted of trying. I remember telling God I wasn't giving up, just giving up on THIS way. Surely there had to be a different way to get where He wanted me. Because this one was seemingly impossible and just had to be wrong. Empty, exhausted, scared, and confused.
I slammed my car door in frustration and turned the radio on full blast as I began to drive home. The "I like us better when we're wasted" song was playing. A sadly accurate representation of most of our generation. It is super catchy so I was jamming out through my open windows and distracting myself from my raging emotions. Then above the maximum volume of the bass blasting out my car, I felt the strongest and most random need to look at the tattoo on my arm. [Side note: Jesus can speak through anything, anywhere, anytime.]
It says "More" and I got it a few months ago to always remind myself and others that God always, always has more for you than where you are. More joy, more freedom, more peace, more healing, more love, more growth, more than depression, more than addiction, more than bondage, more than pain, more than heartache, etc.
I took a look at it and rolled my eyes. "I know, God, I know. You have more for me than this. But I just don't know if I can do it."
Then the strongest and most gentle voice blasted through the speakers of my heart:
"Yes Hannah, I do have more for you. But I need more FROM you."
Dangit. That's not why I got the tattoo.... ;)
As much as everything inside me was screaming the opposite, I said "Okay, Jesus. Okay. But if I do this, I need more OF you. Every day, all day. Because I literally cannot do this without your strength." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth that I felt Him smiling down at me. That's exactly the point. It's like every reason I had for giving up immediately melted away as I realized He led me into this challenge SO THAT I would literally NEED to turn to Him even more.
That moment of surrender gave me so much strength. He wouldn't lead me somewhere that would hurt me or ruin me. He only leads us into beautiful places that strengthen us and draw us closer to His heart and give us courage and train us for our futures. I wasn't struggling with the challenge, I was struggling with a lack of trust in Him to overcome it.
Let me transition into a story.
I walked into Joe's hospital room about an hour before my shift was over. About the 80th patient I had seen that day alone. I had nothing left to give; so I said Jesus I need you here; show me what to say. As I sat down his lunch of popsicles and jello, I asked how he was feeling. He was 92 years old. His frail body had seen a lot of life and wasn't going to see very much more. He looked into my eyes seeing that I truly cared, and reached out his trembling hand towards mine. I grabbed it and bent over closer to him as I whispered: "you can do this." He told me he wrote out a prayer and wanted to read it to me.
"I would love that, Joe."
He said the first three words: "I am blessed"... and he began to weep. I squeezed his hand so tightly and felt tears begin to form in my own eyes. His attention diverted from the piece of paper and back towards me. I expected his next words to be about how scared he was of death, or how he didn't understand why He was going to die. Instead, his words shocked me:
"I am so happy, child. I have never been this happy. These are tears of joy not tears of pain."
I couldn't comprehend it. Why is he so happy? He's about to die. He's hooked up on every kind of IV and medication and has no family or friends and he's crying tears of joy? So I asked him the reason for his happiness and he replied with something I will never forget:
"Because I know this Holy Spirit is surely with me. Do you know what surely means? It means without any doubt or reservation. I know this happiness proves He is with me and that I can do it."
Holding back tears best I could, I couldn't stop smiling. "That's right, Joe. That's right. He is with you and He loves you so much. He's never going to leave you, and He is going to walk with you through this." We laughed a lot together and he thanked me for being happy next to him.
I will probably never see Joe again in that room. But I know I'll see him again someday in between the clouds and we'll laugh together and dance together and talk about that beautiful moment.
Joe taught me something I'll never forget.
In any challenge, even on your deathbed, God is there. Joy is there. Laughter is there. Happiness is in the most hopeless of places because our hope never leaves us. Our hope is Jesus, and we can't escape Him. In every challenge, in every obstacle, in every storm, in every struggle, in every weak moment, in every exhausted breath, in every form of darkness. No matter where we go or where we are or what we do, our hope is surely our joy. Our hope is surely our happiness. Our hope is surely our strength. Our hope is surely our courage. And our hope is surely what will lead us h o m e.
-Han
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Where "Church" Has Gone Wrong
Something has been bothering me big time. It's the way the Church "loves" sinners. Because I wouldn't call it love at all.
It's like for those of us raised in the Church, we use the phrase "Jesus hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors" for our advantage rather than for theirs as Christ intended. We use it as a means to justify surrounding ourselves with sin and engage in what they also do. I've seen it happen, and I've been guilty of it myself. Or we hang out with them to make ourselves "feel" better. Like clearly we are "more righteous" than so and so because we're only on beer 3 instead of beer 10.
But why did Jesus hang out with them? To make himself feel more like a saint? To surround himself with more obvious sin so he didn't feel as bad sinning? No.
He surrounded himself with the sinner to show unconditional love. Aren't we called to do the same?
I've seen the Church love the starving, the orphan, and the homeless on a week long mission trip many a times. But I have yet to see them love the homosexual by inviting them into their friend group for pizza nights and laughter. I have yet to see them continuously love the outspoken athiest in their class by taking him to coffee. I have yet to see them sacrifice time and comfort to help the hurting girl during her addiction to alcohol & pornography.
Because it's much easier to stay above the surface isn't it? Breaking the bubble is scary and might cost you some of our precious time. It may cause you to be around some things that make you uncomfortable and be challenged in what you believe. It may cause you to repeatedly hold the hand of a friend who continues to make the same poor choice over and over again.
Christ calls us to love these people too. Especially these people. Because you and I, we're a sinner too.
Your love for them does NOT dictate your opinion about their choices.
Often we are trained to think: "Oh no... but if I love them during their adulterous relationship, won't they think I am supporting their choices?"
NO! And is it our calling to love based on how the world accepts our love? Of course not.
We're called to love like Jesus loves us.
Just like Jesus loves you for your heart and not your actions, we are called to do the same.
How screwed would all of us be if God approached us like so much of the Church approaches the "sinner"?
"Well, I can't love Hannah as relentlessly and sacrificially as I love so and so because her sin is just too gross and different and consistent." THANK HEAVENS HE DOES NOT LOVE THIS WAY. That would be conditional love.
He looks at YOU. Not your flaws or your terrible choices or your sin. The only reason that "sin" becomes an issue is because it gets in the way of a relationship that you were created to have with your Creator. It steals your joy and keeps you away from the freedom God intended you to live in.
And let's remember unconditional love. It's unconditional. That means under NO condition does the love run out, end, or change.
I've been hurt because of this issue, I've seen close friends be hurt by this issue, and I've seen many people turn away from the Church because "Christians" are not loving their neighbor if their neighbor is too "worldly".
That is crap.
Your neighbor is your neighbor. You wouldn't disclaim your neighbor across from you just because they live a way you don't agree with. They still are technically across the street from you regardless of how they choose to live there.
We don't get to pick and choose who the neighbors are God has placed around us. We are simply called to love them. And love them unconditionally.
So, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone that the Church has somehow told you is "biblical". Because what's biblical is LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR AS CHRIST HAS LOVED YOU. Regardless of how they live or act or see God or see Christianity. That means stepping out of the "safe and relatively clean" bubble and into the messy, broken, and dirty reality of the world around us. Prove all of their opinions of the Church wrong by loving them unconditionally as Christ has loved you. That relentless, nonjudgmental, sacrificial, freeing, and patient love is what will show them who Jesus is.
Not your avoidance of them or refusal to be their friend because of the way that they live. Don't hear me wrong. I am not saying you have to agree with their choices or tell them that you do, I am saying you are called to look at their hearts and love them for who they are instead of based on your opinion of their lifestyle.
If you are someone who has been h u r t deeply by the Church, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. That is not God's heart for you. Judgment and hatred and rejection are not the job of the Church. Love and acceptance is the heart beat God intended, and you are no exception to that rule.
Just because someone is completely different from you, does not mean you cannot love them. Different people need hope too. Hope isn't confined by a lifestyle. You and another person could have absolutely nothing in common but you would both share this truth: you need hope. Hope is needed for every single human on this planet. And if we won't give it away to the broken, the convict, the alcoholic homeless man on the corner, the stripper, or the addict, who will?
-Han
It's like for those of us raised in the Church, we use the phrase "Jesus hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors" for our advantage rather than for theirs as Christ intended. We use it as a means to justify surrounding ourselves with sin and engage in what they also do. I've seen it happen, and I've been guilty of it myself. Or we hang out with them to make ourselves "feel" better. Like clearly we are "more righteous" than so and so because we're only on beer 3 instead of beer 10.
But why did Jesus hang out with them? To make himself feel more like a saint? To surround himself with more obvious sin so he didn't feel as bad sinning? No.
He surrounded himself with the sinner to show unconditional love. Aren't we called to do the same?
I've seen the Church love the starving, the orphan, and the homeless on a week long mission trip many a times. But I have yet to see them love the homosexual by inviting them into their friend group for pizza nights and laughter. I have yet to see them continuously love the outspoken athiest in their class by taking him to coffee. I have yet to see them sacrifice time and comfort to help the hurting girl during her addiction to alcohol & pornography.
Because it's much easier to stay above the surface isn't it? Breaking the bubble is scary and might cost you some of our precious time. It may cause you to be around some things that make you uncomfortable and be challenged in what you believe. It may cause you to repeatedly hold the hand of a friend who continues to make the same poor choice over and over again.
Christ calls us to love these people too. Especially these people. Because you and I, we're a sinner too.
Your love for them does NOT dictate your opinion about their choices.
Often we are trained to think: "Oh no... but if I love them during their adulterous relationship, won't they think I am supporting their choices?"
NO! And is it our calling to love based on how the world accepts our love? Of course not.
We're called to love like Jesus loves us.
Just like Jesus loves you for your heart and not your actions, we are called to do the same.
How screwed would all of us be if God approached us like so much of the Church approaches the "sinner"?
"Well, I can't love Hannah as relentlessly and sacrificially as I love so and so because her sin is just too gross and different and consistent." THANK HEAVENS HE DOES NOT LOVE THIS WAY. That would be conditional love.
He looks at YOU. Not your flaws or your terrible choices or your sin. The only reason that "sin" becomes an issue is because it gets in the way of a relationship that you were created to have with your Creator. It steals your joy and keeps you away from the freedom God intended you to live in.
And let's remember unconditional love. It's unconditional. That means under NO condition does the love run out, end, or change.
I've been hurt because of this issue, I've seen close friends be hurt by this issue, and I've seen many people turn away from the Church because "Christians" are not loving their neighbor if their neighbor is too "worldly".
That is crap.
Your neighbor is your neighbor. You wouldn't disclaim your neighbor across from you just because they live a way you don't agree with. They still are technically across the street from you regardless of how they choose to live there.
We don't get to pick and choose who the neighbors are God has placed around us. We are simply called to love them. And love them unconditionally.
So, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone that the Church has somehow told you is "biblical". Because what's biblical is LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR AS CHRIST HAS LOVED YOU. Regardless of how they live or act or see God or see Christianity. That means stepping out of the "safe and relatively clean" bubble and into the messy, broken, and dirty reality of the world around us. Prove all of their opinions of the Church wrong by loving them unconditionally as Christ has loved you. That relentless, nonjudgmental, sacrificial, freeing, and patient love is what will show them who Jesus is.
Not your avoidance of them or refusal to be their friend because of the way that they live. Don't hear me wrong. I am not saying you have to agree with their choices or tell them that you do, I am saying you are called to look at their hearts and love them for who they are instead of based on your opinion of their lifestyle.
If you are someone who has been h u r t deeply by the Church, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. That is not God's heart for you. Judgment and hatred and rejection are not the job of the Church. Love and acceptance is the heart beat God intended, and you are no exception to that rule.
Just because someone is completely different from you, does not mean you cannot love them. Different people need hope too. Hope isn't confined by a lifestyle. You and another person could have absolutely nothing in common but you would both share this truth: you need hope. Hope is needed for every single human on this planet. And if we won't give it away to the broken, the convict, the alcoholic homeless man on the corner, the stripper, or the addict, who will?
-Han
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