I was just about done. My limits were reached and my heart was exhausted of trying. I remember telling God I wasn't giving up, just giving up on THIS way. Surely there had to be a different way to get where He wanted me. Because this one was seemingly impossible and just had to be wrong. Empty, exhausted, scared, and confused.
I slammed my car door in frustration and turned the radio on full blast as I began to drive home. The "I like us better when we're wasted" song was playing. A sadly accurate representation of most of our generation. It is super catchy so I was jamming out through my open windows and distracting myself from my raging emotions. Then above the maximum volume of the bass blasting out my car, I felt the strongest and most random need to look at the tattoo on my arm. [Side note: Jesus can speak through anything, anywhere, anytime.]
It says "More" and I got it a few months ago to always remind myself and others that God always, always has more for you than where you are. More joy, more freedom, more peace, more healing, more love, more growth, more than depression, more than addiction, more than bondage, more than pain, more than heartache, etc.
I took a look at it and rolled my eyes. "I know, God, I know. You have more for me than this. But I just don't know if I can do it."
Then the strongest and most gentle voice blasted through the speakers of my heart:
"Yes Hannah, I do have more for you. But I need more FROM you."
Dangit. That's not why I got the tattoo.... ;)
As much as everything inside me was screaming the opposite, I said "Okay, Jesus. Okay. But if I do this, I need more OF you. Every day, all day. Because I literally cannot do this without your strength." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth that I felt Him smiling down at me. That's exactly the point. It's like every reason I had for giving up immediately melted away as I realized He led me into this challenge SO THAT I would literally NEED to turn to Him even more.
That moment of surrender gave me so much strength. He wouldn't lead me somewhere that would hurt me or ruin me. He only leads us into beautiful places that strengthen us and draw us closer to His heart and give us courage and train us for our futures. I wasn't struggling with the challenge, I was struggling with a lack of trust in Him to overcome it.
Let me transition into a story.
I walked into Joe's hospital room about an hour before my shift was over. About the 80th patient I had seen that day alone. I had nothing left to give; so I said Jesus I need you here; show me what to say. As I sat down his lunch of popsicles and jello, I asked how he was feeling. He was 92 years old. His frail body had seen a lot of life and wasn't going to see very much more. He looked into my eyes seeing that I truly cared, and reached out his trembling hand towards mine. I grabbed it and bent over closer to him as I whispered: "you can do this." He told me he wrote out a prayer and wanted to read it to me.
"I would love that, Joe."
He said the first three words: "I am blessed"... and he began to weep. I squeezed his hand so tightly and felt tears begin to form in my own eyes. His attention diverted from the piece of paper and back towards me. I expected his next words to be about how scared he was of death, or how he didn't understand why He was going to die. Instead, his words shocked me:
"I am so happy, child. I have never been this happy. These are tears of joy not tears of pain."
I couldn't comprehend it. Why is he so happy? He's about to die. He's hooked up on every kind of IV and medication and has no family or friends and he's crying tears of joy? So I asked him the reason for his happiness and he replied with something I will never forget:
"Because I know this Holy Spirit is surely with me. Do you know what surely means? It means without any doubt or reservation. I know this happiness proves He is with me and that I can do it."
Holding back tears best I could, I couldn't stop smiling. "That's right, Joe. That's right. He is with you and He loves you so much. He's never going to leave you, and He is going to walk with you through this." We laughed a lot together and he thanked me for being happy next to him.
I will probably never see Joe again in that room. But I know I'll see him again someday in between the clouds and we'll laugh together and dance together and talk about that beautiful moment.
Joe taught me something I'll never forget.
In any challenge, even on your deathbed, God is there. Joy is there. Laughter is there. Happiness is in the most hopeless of places because our hope never leaves us. Our hope is Jesus, and we can't escape Him. In every challenge, in every obstacle, in every storm, in every struggle, in every weak moment, in every exhausted breath, in every form of darkness. No matter where we go or where we are or what we do, our hope is surely our joy. Our hope is surely our happiness. Our hope is surely our strength. Our hope is surely our courage. And our hope is surely what will lead us h o m e.
-Han
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