When We Don't Wanna Die

Over and over again, God has spoken what He wants.
And over and over again, I keep asking if there's any other way...
If there's something I am missing or hearing wrong.
If there's ANY way He can just move around and change this ONE detail in our story.


Because honestly this one detail seems like a death wish on everything I've ever wanted, worked towards, and fought for.


Yesterday, I was running underneath the blue, Spring sky and wrestling through this surrendering process. I was just telling Him how I felt-- how discouraged and confused I was-- how much none of this made sense to me-- how letting go of this detail brought about instant teeth clenching and tears of  frustration. Then He said something so beautiful but scary that I stopped running and looked up past the clouds:

"I've taught You about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach You about the Perfect Son."

Jesus.

I knew it so quickly that's what He meant. He's been weaving all these pieces around me and that statement was the glue that put it all together.

I've fallen in love with The Father's heart these last few years like I didn't know I could. He's patiently unveiled how He loves me as His own daughter, He's lovingly walked me through abuse and brokenness, He's undoubtedly redeemed all the evil that the Enemy used to destroy me, and He's proven Himself the PERFECT Daddy, the PERFECT Comforter, the PERFECT Provider, the PERFECT Author, the PERFECT Artist, the PERFECT Potter, and the PERFECT Father.

He's proven more faithful than words can speak and I can understand through logic. He's proven to exist in a way more tangible than my hands typing and the floor on which I stand. He's proven He loves me like a Perfect Daddy would and should. He's given me huge and small gifts alike; never overlooking one detail of my uniqueness. He's captivated my heart and unveiled how much my heart captivates His. He's proven to understand each and every detail of who I am and has chosen to hold me when I have nothing and no one. He's shown up when it's messy. He's embraced me in the darkness and invaded shame with light. He's replaced depression with joy. He's flipped bitterness and hatred into forgiveness and compassion. He's bent low from Heaven's clouds just to listen and be there when I needed to talk. He's rescued me from the lowest of all places and given me sunshine to dance in freely. He's completely stolen my heart in the most beautiful way and made all else outside of Him seem so fleeting and meaningless.

I know that I can trust Him. I have no choice but to trust Him. Because when you are THAT in love with someone, you will trust them with literally anything.

As I unpacked that phrase, "I've taught you about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach you about the Perfect Son", I immediately saw a picture of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sweating blood from fear, and begging The Father for a different way than the Cross. Jesus didn't want to die. But He recognized: "But this is the very reason I came."

The entire life of Jesus on this earth unveiled the Father's heart. The world had never known it until He entered. Everything He said came directly from the Father, everything He did was because the Father led Him to do it. Jesus was the Perfect Son belonging to His Perfect Father. He knew that He could trust Him no matter what His Daddy asked of Him. He knew that there was always greater purpose than what could be seen in the moment. And even though He did not want to sacrifice the thing that mattered most to Him on earth, He knew His Father loved Him and knew what mattered most in Heaven. So He said: "Not my will, but Yours."

This is where so many people give up on being a radical Christian. Because they can't say YES to Him if it means saying NO to what matters most to them on earth. Sacrifice feels wrong in every way. Even if it felt "inconvenient", "uncomfortable", or "irritating", it still wouldn't be sacrifice. Because sacrifice feels like a whip upon your vulnerable skin. Sacrifice feels like a thousand pounds of pain weighing down your soul. It feels like death to your heart. Because it IS death to something inside of you. That's exactly what makes it a sacrifice. It feels like pain and fear and anger pushing blood out of your pores. Jesus understood sacrifice. HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE. But He loved and trusted His Father SO MUCH, that He OBEYED. Remember that as you wrestle through letting go of what you hold to the most.

I am not trying to scare you, or discourage you from following Jesus. I'm simply laying out what He calls us to do. And once you've truly encountered the Father, you can't say no. You won't be able to no matter how much you run and fight His will. Because HE LOVES His children. He LOVES us. Just like a Father understands reasons and rules that His five year old simply cannot, so our Father up in Heaven has ways that are not our ways and reasons that go beyond our reason.

And don't forget the resurrection. Don't forget the hope that sprung up because He said YES to the Father and NO to His own way. Don't forget the life that was finally attainable because of His death. Don't forget the Father's faithfulness to His Son's obedience. Don't forget that because of HIS SACRIFICE, we have hope, we have life, we have joy, we have access to The Father, Jesus, AND the Holy Spirit.

Here I am, at the crossroads. Choosing my will, or obeying even when it costs me everything.

I believe He loves us so much that even death itself does not mark the end of our hope, but writes the beautiful beginning to life like we have never known it before. Trusting with every piece inside of me that His way-- no matter how confusing or painful-- is the best way. Holding onto our Perfect Father and letting Him be the Daddy that knows what is best for us.

Look at nature, look at Springtime, look at stunning, rainbow gardens and weeping willow trees and giant, yellow sunflowers that take our breath away from beauty... Each and every incredible promise in bloom around us first had to die and bury itself in the deep, darkness of the ground.

But just like Jesus buried in the darkness of the grave, The Father resurrected hope for humanity and access to Himself. Restoring not only what was taken, but infinitely MORE.

Just think of what He will do with your brave choice to let IT/THAT finally die... He will do the resurrecting, but we must be courageous and believe He loves us enough to first do the dying. What if the very thing you want the most on earth, must first die before it can live?

Let it go, friend. You were never meant to hold something tighter than His hand holding onto Yours anyway.

Your life here is so brief and temporary; I dare you to go all out and give The Father everything-- even that one thing, relationship, habit, dream, goal, whatever--  and let Him create a wonder you never could apart from His resurrection.

Because trust me, He loves you WAY TOO MUCH to let things remain as they are. He knows you are better off resurrected than you ever were simply just existing. But don't take my word for it, take His.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But it's death will produce many new kernels-- a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me." John 12:24-26


"Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, My Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them." John 14:21

Losing The List

"If you truly saw me for me-- no make up, no mask-- you wouldn't even want to touch me."

A line from a spoken word I wrote with my own hands. The words fell out out of my lips as my good friends recorded the poem on film inside an abandoned storm cellar. Surrounded by sharp debris, wooden paint chips, rusty forks and spoons, and a lot of nasty mold. As my ruby red lips spoke that line of how I once felt, I felt like a hypocrite.

Because although I have come miles and miles on this journey of accepting myself, the truth is that I still have quite a few more miles to go. The truth is that I still wear a mask most of the time. The truth is that I still feel inadequate in more ways than I can count. The truth is that somewhere between being a fearful, confused little girl and now, I adopted a mental list of what it means to be "lovable".

This "list" was never written on paper and shown to me, or published in a book entitled "How to Be Acceptable"; but, it held a power so strong that it led me into terrible decisions, prisons of addiction, and absolute disgust and hatred for not making myself onto the "list".
Maybe a better way to categorize this "list" is by the following the phrase: "Once I finally have..... BLANK.... everything will be okay, I'll be enough, I will be acceptable, I'll be happy, I can be confident, my husband will find me."

Here's the list of "acceptable" I made for myself:
Thighs that don't touch
Arms without any sort of extra skin resembling fat regardless if I knew it was muscle
Less weird
Hips that were not so damn wide... just some bone structure shaven down please?
A smaller teeth, whiter shade smile
Less seen as super "Jesusy"
Bigger Disney Princess eyes that weren't overtaken by such a fleshy face
A childhood I didn't have to be ashamed of
Tan skin without acne or blemish
A stomach that didn't jiggle even once in a sports bra
A more "put-together" life... less mess, less baggage
Less chaos, more organized, structured, planned out life
A quieter laugh
An overall smaller figure, smaller personality, smaller obnoxiousness, smaller everything


And guess what happened when I lived to complete this list?
I took away every single piece of who I ACTUALLY was. Every factor on this list was about one thing: LESS. Smaller, quieter, littler.

By trying to BE enough, I was becoming nothing.
When I was already EVERYTHING I was supposed to be, I was trying to be SOMETHING by becoming NOTHING.

I hate math almost as much as I hate the ending of the movie "Castaway" (just trust me-- it's a LOT) but I can tell you, that equation just doesn't add up or make logical sense from an objective standpoint.

I was literally living to slowly shrink myself into a mold I was never created to fit inside. I thought BEAUTIFUL was a synonym for SMALLER. I thought LOVABLE meant LESS. Culture even says that "less is more" after all. But is that really true when it comes to who we are?

When God had already made me WHO I was ON PURPOSE, WITH purpose. I didn't have to add on anything or take away anything. I had to EMBRACE everything. Every piece. Every "flaw", every "imperfection". Every culturally unacceptable trait. Every dream. Every joyful outburst in public. Every loud laugh. Every mistake behind me. Every desire to change the world. Every muscle that made my jean size a 12 instead of a 6. Every move across the country. Every shameful memory of my past. Every piece of my personality. Every part of my bone structure. And guess what happened?

My heartbeat was finally free to beat in rhythm with the melody God originally orchestrated it for. It didn't have to play along with someone else's rhythm. It didn't have to harmonize with cultures' melody of "Acceptable". It could finally SING OUT a NEW song that the world had never heard but desperately needed to.  A song freely flowing from a heart beating in sync with it's Songwriter. 

Now the only thing on my "List" is this:

Be.
Breathe.

Friend, please stop trying to make yourself less in order to be more. That false equation has taken your energy and focus for far too long. You'll always be left with more questions instead of an answer. The only equation you were ever made to solve was already solved for you by The Original Mathematician:

Flawed You(-infinity-) + Flawless Jesus(+infinity+) = ZERO flaws to fix or change. Heaven's perfection colliding with Earth's imperfection. A Clean Slate. Room to Create. A heart beat untainted by "not good enough". A soul accepted by Heaven, forever incapable of being rejected by anything or anyone. A melody free to soar out of your chest and dance music notes like footprints throughout the pages your feet tread.

I've gotten so close to the Lord and His voice in this season of my life. He's lovingly unveiled so much of His heart to me as His cherished daughter. After I climbed Pikes Peak (17.2 miles up to 14,100 feet of oxygen-less struggle) and realized the same body that got me to the top was the same body I kept trying to make smaller, I felt the Lord say these words to me:

"Your strength makes you beautiful."

Strength looks different on everyone. Just like beauty does. But does each unique expression of beauty and strength make them any less strong or any less beautiful? Never. It proves our Creator more creative-- more beautiful, more strong. 
A daisy and a rose are both beautiful in different ways. But that is because they do not fight to look like each other. They rest against the breeze and bloom into the flower God created them to be. They don't question if they should have been a tulip. They grow day by day into the exact, perfect, beautiful, unique flower their Maker first destined them to be. Each flower being completely essential to the garden's glory. And no daisy perfectly mirrors another... Because they constantly speak to us a message about beauty: It is the differences that capture our eyes; the unique shapes and colors that create wonder, and the mangled roots that prove even messes and brokenness contain beauty. But despite their differences, they are ALL created and sustained by a Perfect Creator who only creates beautiful things. 
Your worth, purpose and beauty were decided by Your Maker long before you developed a silly "list". 

The darkest parts of the universe need to see your TRUE self. Because when all the "list" is stripped away, a sparkling, shining light can break through the barriers of your chest. Everything we fight relentlessly to change, stop, hide, add to or lessen-- is what we were made to press into and embrace for the world to hear. A captivating symphony reflecting its' Conductor.

As you are right now. Everything about you. Inside and outside.

Stop trying to subtract and add to the beautiful creation that The Creator already decided was GOOD. He slept in peace, pride and JOY over what He created on the 7th day. His heart breaks knowing we lose sleep over what He made-- bashing it with hatred and disgust-- you are allowed to love yourself. The broken pieces too. What you see as unlovable, He sees as opportunity for new instruments in Heaven's symphony.

Be brave enough to embrace yourself. The more that you see yourself for the treasure you truly are, the greater you will see your Father for who He truly is:

Good, beautiful, strong. Creator of all things good, beautiful, strong. 

Proud of you. Proud of what you look like, proud of who you are, proud of your hearts' song. Proud to call you His child.

So in love with your heartbeat's sound that He came down from Heaven to open ears to hear it, free your heart to sing it, and conduct it alongside You every place you go. 


Let your heart sing out. The world is dying to hear your beautiful, strong song.

-Han

Chasing Mystery

It's so funny sometimes when we are convinced God is quiet, but really we are just not trusting in what He already said.

He is so patient. He is so good. He is so detailed in His planning, yet so simple in His instruction. I was reminded this morning of His simplicity while drinking hot coffee and sharing delicious breakfast with a dear, sweet sister of mine:

"It is so simple. He didn't make us to know and plan out the next step; He made us to know Him right now."

He gives us today, and He gives us Himself. We are not promised tomorrow, so why do we agonize over tomorrow's agenda?

We make everything SO complicated when, the entire time, He has made it all so simple. Gods' promises never change, but thankfully, in the process, we do. 

We learn something in the process that we never could discover apart from walking in it. We learn trust, we learn faith, we learn patience, we learn love. We learn how to see with our hearts instead of with our eyes. 

But generally, we immediately assume He has changed His mind or forgotten about us-- we discard His faithfulness, His promises, His instruction, His voice, His leading-- whenever things start to take a turn; whenever things don't add up or seem logical. But when was His path ever supposed to make sense? Supernatural stories require natural situations in need of a miracle. Those moments where something seems completely hopeless, irreversible, & impossible-- God says: "FINALLY! Now it's my turn." 

This journey next to Jesus was supposed to be so ILLOGICAL to the world that His miraculous provision filling in the gaps caused the only logical response of following Him and worshiping Him more. Dare I say that a life without unknown is the most dangerous path a believer could be on. When I read scripture, the only thing that is ever KNOWN and PROMISED is God, what He has promised, and what He decides. As His kids, we are blessed enough to have something unshakable to hold onto in the midst of such a shaking world. But we immediately believe when we feel the shaking underneath our feet that our only source of "known" has failed us as well. But has He really failed? Or have our expectations? His thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways. So why do we constantly try to fit HIS ways into ours? They'll never fit, because they were never meant to. His plans are too big and beautiful and infectiously incredible to squeeze into our limited logic.

God designed our hearts to see things that our human eyes cannot. In fact, our hearts see the clearest by having our eyes closed the tightest. What do we receive through the Holy Spirit? A new HEART or a new set of eyes? Yet, for comfort and affirmation, we often search for signs so our eyes can fully believe our heart's vision.  But God tells us that we need faith, not sight. Faith is vision to the heart. I am not great at this; but I am learning. And He is the best teacher.

Who He is and what He said cannot be taken away. If He told you something, it will come to be. It doesn't matter what seems to be in the way; He is orchestrating a path to it anyway.

But we have to be okay with not knowing or seeing the path to get there... we have to fall in love with the unknown, the process, the journey. The more that I fall in love with the heart of God, the less I am concerned about what is to come. Because He is really all we were ever created to need, know, and do life alongside.

The only thing that shakes our faith and creates worry on the journey is our distrust in His plan. Our circumstances do not invoke panic and fear; rather, we allow them to. Surely, we think we can do it better, get there through a faster or more adequate way, or understand clearer than God. Sounds an awful lot like Eve's thought process too, huh? Our greatest issue of sin is always rooted in doubt. Doubting that what God first declared is best, and believing a different way could be better.


Once I stopped striving to see my future and embraced the step in front of me, all worry deceased. Our job is not to figure out what's next, it is to simply be where we are. Even if that looks terrifying, challenging, impossible, illogical, or irresponsible to the world.

I am learning to BE EXCITED in that mystery; rather than overwhelmed. My soul knows that it is loved and known by my Creator... What do I really have to worry about? Embracing that freely finally allows you to dance where you are. Trust in His timing. He will tell you when to leave and when to stay. Just be close to Him. That's all that's ever mattered.

Falling in love requires mystery, wonder, and discovery. Falling in love with Him, falling in love with your spouse, falling in love with your life, falling in love with His plan, falling in love with the process.

He designed the unknown to be an opportunity for deeper love. It really always, always comes back to love. Many people never experience a love like this because they are too afraid to live a life without mystery. But it is worth the choice to be brave. It is worth the unknown journey. It is worth the unmarked timetables. It is worth the adventure of mystery. Explore places and people and processes with Jesus. The greater the mystery ahead, the deeper the love waiting to be found.

Fall in love with the process, and you'll fall in love with the hand leading you every step of the way...Because the sweet colors He uses to paint the blank spaces will lead you to fall at His feet in thankfulness and wonder. I am reminded day after day it always must come back to Him... Not the path, not the promise, not the worry, not the shaky circumstance, not the struggle, not anything else but Him and His heart. 


Day after day as I walk with Him; in darkness and in light-- I find all the more that He is so worth trusting, friends. He loves you; Let Him show you.

-Han

No Fear in Love

I woke up at 2 am with a stomping heart beat and extreme terror pounding in my chest. I tried to calm myself down, but it kept thumping all the louder.

A loud voice shouted "DON'T GO" and resounded echoes of fear down my spine. The more I fought it, the louder the voice got. 

I thought at first the voice was God warning me not to go on this adventure out west I was leaving for a few hours later. But I couldn't understand why He wouldn't want me to go. And before I knew it, my heart was questioning not only the trip, but who I was, what my life was for, and everything in general. All my confidence, direction, passion, mission, identity was somehow a twisted question instead of a definite answer.

My heart stampeded so hard and loud I got out of my phone to dial 911 because I thought I may be having a heart attack. But then I heard a familiar whisper in the dark room where I laid that I had heard months before:

"You are going to die."

With a heart racing and sweat forming along my forehead, I remembered who told me that six months before-- the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I commanded Satan to leave because Jesus was with me. An unknown voice that causes you to question your worth and your mission in Christ is always from hell, never from God. Simple as that.

I found peace, and laid back down before my 4:17am alarm was set to go off. But I couldn't sleep. Even though I wasn't afraid anymore, my heart was still beating bass notes out my chest. I laid there for about fifteen minutes inhaling deeply and praying Psalm 91 out loud. Finally, I realized it wasn't going to stop. So I said screw this; I'm just gonna get ready and go right now on this trip. You won't let me sleep, Satan? Fine, I'll just go do the very thing you are trying to terrify me out doing. 

I packed up my car early, and pulled out the snowy driveway. The first 20 miles held even more obstacles. I spun out, not one but TWO semis almost ran me off the road, a literal blockade of icy snow about fifty feet high closed the highway off; but I was determined to go forward and not let fear stop me. My heart continued beating like a punching bag, but I realized what was happening.

Just the night before, I wrote a page for my book about the powerlessness of FEAR. How it can never actually STOP you, it can only SCARE you into stopping. And Satan wanted to try and prove me wrong by making FEAR appear powerful enough to change reality. I started to laugh and my fear turned into power as I worshipped my Savior and told Satan who He was. The song "No Fear in Love" played through my speakers and it hit me: 

Perfect LOVE casts out all f e a r... God is PERFECT LOVE. He would never tell His children something by scaring them into it. He doesn't operate that way. Satan operates that way.

I found so much courage in that moment. I told Satan the truth without any doubt this time:

"My Father loves me. He will keep me safe. He is with me and on my side. He defeated you. I will not be shaken. Whatever you are trying to prevent from happening on this trip will happen because I'm not giving up."

Whenever Satan is afraid of what you are about to build in God's kingdom, He will do whatever He can to scare you into giving up so that it doesn't get built. But He can't actually keep you from building it, He can only scare you out of continuing construction.

The next song to play was "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

Tears of victory and joy from heaven filled up the presence of my car... my heartbeat returned to peace, and I sang out in confidence.

There's a war that happens for YOUR soul. Let that prove in itself how AMAZING, full of potential, unstoppable, valuable, and precious YOU are. Only that which is PRICELESS is worth fighting wars over. Otherwise, the Enemy would never work so hard to have you. He knows what earth-changing, dark-destroying, beauty-creating, hope-giving, death-reversing, and life-breathing potential flows through your veins. 

Unseen wars are even more dangerous than those that can be seen. Because they're hidden, you have to open up your heart to find them and to fight them. But the good news is that because of Jesus, you can ALWAYS WIN them. Unseen battles make your circumstances look like the battles. But the true battle always lies underneath your circumstance.

The God of Heaven is on YOUR side. You cannot lose when you are His soldier. Don't let something as powerless as fear have power over you. Refuse to allow fear to scare you into giving up. And that choice is the courage that will lead you into beautiful places with Jesus that you never dreamt to find.

-Han

New Wings

I haven't written in awhile. Well, I should clarify; I haven't written HERE in awhile. That's because I have started a new adventure that's totally changed my life and helped me find some new wings.

I'm writing a book.


The Lord is SO faithful to lead us into beautiful adventures from dark valleys.
I wake up two hours early every morning before work and with delicious cinnamon & honey coffee in hand, I ask Him to speak to my heart as I write it down and listen. This simple practice that first began as an accident of praying in poetry, has now turned into an entirely new window looking into Jesus and His heart.

I wanted to share some wonderfully sweet lessons this adventure has taught me so far:

1. When you allot specific time for The Lord to speak, HE SHOWS UP LOUDLY. I find myself being so excited for my 5 am alarms that I have trouble falling asleep the night before. I am giddy and anxious for what He will whisper into my small, human heart before the sun even comes up.

2. The passions, talents, gifts, and loves that we harbor are FROM HIM and are HIS intention for our purpose. Basically, He wants us to BE HAPPY. He loves us to love the moments within our days. If you LOVE to paint, then PAINT. But paint WITH Him. Invite Him into your joy and passion. Handing over control into His hands as you chase the things you love will land you in the middle of your purpose.

3. Some of the holiest words you can say are "Goodbye" and "Screw you". Now hang on a minute with me here. The easiest way that The Enemy can keep you from your purpose are these two things: Complacency & Fear. DO NOT STAY THERE. Keeping relationships, addictions, actions, and habits in your life or in the dark will always keep you weighed down and distracted from the race meant for your feet to run. Be brave enough to say goodbye, and really mean it... to let it go, let them go, and trust the Lord to fill the void. He will. He'll overflow it more in one moment than they or it could after a thousand tries.
Fear of failure, fear of others' rejection, fear of man's opinion. Fear is not from The Father. Often times, against the real and enormous feeling of "WHAT IF THIS FAILS or WHAT WILL THEY THINK", it is best to combat this with a loud and stern "SCREW YOU". This has brought freedom to me as silly as it sounds. You don't need to listen to fear, you need to listen to Jesus. You were given permission to be brave the moment you were given His Spirit. Doing the brave thing even if you feel like shutting down from fear is still being brave. The point is that you're doing it, not what you feel as you do so.

4. As I so intentionally chase Jesus and simultaneously chase my dreams, I have watched so many other struggles of mine fade away. They're not on my mind like before. Jesus rules my thoughts the more I give Him the space to do so.

5. True LOVE makes you dance. And laugh. And skip down the street. And wake up in the middle of the night in tears of gratitude. True love given to you with absolutely no restraint or hesitation changes you. Falling in love breeds joy. And God is not just a thought, He is a being who created YOU for the sole purpose of falling in love with you.


6. A page a day keeps all the fear away. Hehe, but really though. I ask Jesus every morning to give me just one page of truth and without fail, He does. Sometimes, it's short and simple and sweet. Sometimes He gives me 26 pages in one day. But each page brings tears as it comes from His heartbeat into mine.

7. He is faithful, He is faithful, He is faithful. I am left speechless after He speaks.

8. Worship looks differently to everyone because everyone is different. Writing is how I worship. Dancing is how I worship. Singing is how I worship. Praying is how I worship. Blessing others is how I worship.

9. YOLO. You literally only have one life here on this dying, temporary earth. So why in the world would you ever live for someone else's approval or opinion? ITS TIME TO DO YOU. And screw what the world has to say about it.

10. I need to be willing to accept His words even when I don't want them. If you hear something so clearly from The Lord, you can't UNhear it. You can't go back. That promise will never leave your heart. The closer I get to His voice, the more things I will hear that make me tense up and grit my teeth. THAT?? You want me to DO THAT? GO THERE? GIVE UP THAT? SAY THAT? It's about blindly saying "yes" when your instinct shouts "NO". Although He leads me into uncertainty, His hand holding onto me is more certain than anything else I could ever put my hope upon. I can trust Him. He is so faithful. He knows my heart better than even I do. He created it, and knows every single cell that sustains its' life.


Often fear will sneak it's way into my thoughts and The Enemy schemes in breeding doubt within my heart. But I am learning I don't have to let fear dictate my life anymore. That would make me a slave. And I am so much more than a slave now, I'm a warrior. And even in my unbelief, The Lord is so faithful to gently remind me of His truth.

I was super burnt out at work on Friday. Exhausted, sleep-deprived, drained, and full of doubt. About fifteen minutes before I was to finally go home, an older lady with silky long white hair and a kitty-covered Christmas sweater who I had spoken maybe ten words to earlier that morning re-approached the counter. She said something that took me way back: "I suspect and see something in you".

Whoah. I was weirded out at first. Then her next words brought me to tears:

"You were created with two hands made to write. You were given this gift for a reason and need to pursue it. Don't back down."

Holy freaking crap. She disappeared before I could ask her who she was and how she knew, but that carried me high above my disbelief. The Lord loves and cares enough to send me a complete stranger to speak that out loud and destroy fear. That doesn't just happen.

He loves you. He loves you so much. Let Him meet you where you are. In your mess, in your dream, in the middle of what you love, in the middle of what you're ashamed of, in the middle of your fear.

He is waiting.
He is there.
He is worth it.
He thinks you're worth it too.
He is Jesus--
God with us, God beside us, God next to us. Through it all, God with us.

-Han

f o g delay

It's there. It's real. 

The image I've been asking for, craving so intensely, and desperately hoping to exist. Others could see it all around me; but my eyes were unable to fully find it.

Because fog creates confusion and makes it hard to breathe. But the more that I chase Jesus, the clearer I can see. 


It's there. It's real. It's dancing in circles around my heart and making me laugh out loud. Precious hope and freedom; oh how beautiful the sound.

If I could paint it in a picture, it would look like the most beautiful burst of sunlight in the darkest cave ever to exist. A beaming orange light from the sky that lands upon your skin and causes warmth that you never want to quit. A ray that echoes hope as it stretches through the darkness. A perfect, sparkling line reaching down from heaven like a shooting star into a seemingly hopeless blackened sky.

It's there. It's real.

And something I am learning as I look it in the eye over and over again is that it was never absent or stolen. I just couldn't see it. It was always there and it was always real. It was just too foggy to find and feel.

Fog is made of pain and doubt. It's swirled up by addiction and anger. It is made thick by abuse behind you. It flares up and multiplies around fear. It's goal is to keep us trapped and keep us off course. It blinds us.

 But it can't last forever. It may last a long, long time, but never forever. And as we relentlessly hold tightly to our Father up in heaven, He will slowly blow it all away. Every single molecule composed of fear and pain, He will evaporate into nothing but vivid skies and bright, beautiful sunny days. 

That's His favorite thing to do for His children. Proven by our sins composed of scarlet, and His ability to make us white as snow.

Fog never changes or steals what it encapsulates; it only covers it up.

But we have to invite Him in. We have to be honest about the fog-- that we cannot see and we need help. That there are things lurking in the fog that terrify us, things that we are ashamed of, things we need to overcome. He is not afraid to enter into the fog-- because He loves us. He wants to walk right into it with You and embrace you first, then blow it all away as He holds you closely. So that finally, as it dissipates and the clouded crevices clear, you can see it in the middle of the room.
You both can gaze upon it together time and time again and stare it in the face from every angle and perspective... You can add to it together and paint it even brighter and more beautiful... You both can bring others out of the fog they are swimming in afraid it will never clear; and you can show them what is there waiting to be found:

F  r  e  e  d  o  m. 

You don't have to be lost any longer; you are worth being found. You are worth being freed. He is waiting to hold your hand and scatter every ounce of fog that causes confusion and keeps you frozen where you are.

New things anxiously await your troubled heart. But first you must be brave enough to start.

"It is finished; It is done. Though our sins are scarlet, You have made us white as snow."

-Han

Perfect Papa

I used to think "childlike faith" meant being a Christian with endless energy and spunky zeal. Like a seemingly battery charged kindergartner on the monkey bars. 

But God is teaching me that is not so much the case at all. It's as simple as it sounds. Approaching our Father like a child. But a fearless child who knows their Father is incapable of letting them down or disappointing their thirsty heart.

Psalm 116:1-2

"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."

One of my all time favorite Psalms. As I read it this gorgeous, frosty Sunday morning with my pumpkin tainted coffee in hand, I saw a picture exhaled from the words I inhaled.

She is beautiful. A seven year old princess who loves tutus and fairy tales and cheerios with chocolate milk. Her father works all day long and when He comes home for dinner, he spends every other bite of spaghetti checking emails about the office tomorrow. He is constantly working-- constantly doing everything a "dad" is expected to do other than BEING one. She loves to dance and spins relentlessly in front of him hoping he will see her twirl, until she falls over in a dizzy spell. But she is ignored and overlooked by the small device in his hand. She jumps up on his lap to whisper him a secret and he utters words that she hears every single night: "Not right now, Daddy's working." Embarrassed for trying and disappointed by rejection, she stops asking. She stops whispering secrets, and she stops dancing. She is taught that a small rectangle piece of technology with words and pictures matters more than she does. That the people Daddy repeatedly chooses over her must be worth more than she is. Of course she is thankful He provides food for her belly and a place to sleep, but more than that she wants to win his attention and affection. So she thinks she must need to change who she is; and she searches somewhere else.

But a perfect Father up in heaven hears her crying. And He searches for HER. He's won her affection, instead of the other way around. He bends down and leans low from the wonders of heaven and the glory of His Kingdom just to hear her whisper secrets in His ear. He never tires of putting meetings on hold or missing important calls or pausing all of heaven just to hear what His daughter has to say. His job is more taxing than anyones' on earth: sustaining every living thing, holding together the universe, painting the sunsets, and reigning over all of Heaven are just a few of his duties. 

And still, He takes the time to watch His daughter dance. He delights in listening to the smallest pieces of her heart and gently melting away all the worries in her soul. He will always be the Perfect Father. He will never disappoint His children. He always knows best. He always pushes for more. He always does best. He always loves best. And because of this, she doesn't need to search any longer. For she has found the One who delights in her-- the One who loves her, knows her, fights for her, and accepts her like her soul has craved from birth. 

When we approach God in THAT way, this is childlike faith. Knowing He will only ever love us as a perfect Father would. Knowing He will ALWAYS hear us and listen and hold us close. Knowing His lap is always waiting for our tired hearts. Knowing He is a shelter for us when we face danger. Knowing our Daddy will never be too busy to hear about our long day or laugh at our stupid jokes. Knowing His agenda is constantly overflowing with sustaining the earth and raising the sun each and every morning, yet His LOVE for His children outweighs his "to-do" list. 

It may not be an earthly Father who has spoken this message into your heart that you don't matter enough to be heard or fought for... It may be someone else, or even a slew of people. But if you find yourself searching for someone or something to finally show you that you're worth it-- to finally love you for who you are-- I know of a Daddy who is constantly adopting souls like yours into His family. And He will never disappoint His children or abandon them. It's literally impossible for a Perfect Father to let down His sons and daughters. 

And because He will always bend down to listen, I will walk with Him as long as He sustains my breath. He never tires of bending over through the clouds of glory into this broken world to look into my small and tired eyes; just so He can smile at me and whisper: 

"I heard you calling. I'm here for you."