A loud voice shouted "DON'T GO" and resounded echoes of fear down my spine. The more I fought it, the louder the voice got.
I thought at first the voice was God warning me not to go on this adventure out west I was leaving for a few hours later. But I couldn't understand why He wouldn't want me to go. And before I knew it, my heart was questioning not only the trip, but who I was, what my life was for, and everything in general. All my confidence, direction, passion, mission, identity was somehow a twisted question instead of a definite answer.
My heart stampeded so hard and loud I got out of my phone to dial 911 because I thought I may be having a heart attack. But then I heard a familiar whisper in the dark room where I laid that I had heard months before:
"You are going to die."
With a heart racing and sweat forming along my forehead, I remembered who told me that six months before-- the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I commanded Satan to leave because Jesus was with me. An unknown voice that causes you to question your worth and your mission in Christ is always from hell, never from God. Simple as that.
I found peace, and laid back down before my 4:17am alarm was set to go off. But I couldn't sleep. Even though I wasn't afraid anymore, my heart was still beating bass notes out my chest. I laid there for about fifteen minutes inhaling deeply and praying Psalm 91 out loud. Finally, I realized it wasn't going to stop. So I said screw this; I'm just gonna get ready and go right now on this trip. You won't let me sleep, Satan? Fine, I'll just go do the very thing you are trying to terrify me out doing.
I packed up my car early, and pulled out the snowy driveway. The first 20 miles held even more obstacles. I spun out, not one but TWO semis almost ran me off the road, a literal blockade of icy snow about fifty feet high closed the highway off; but I was determined to go forward and not let fear stop me. My heart continued beating like a punching bag, but I realized what was happening.
Just the night before, I wrote a page for my book about the powerlessness of FEAR. How it can never actually STOP you, it can only SCARE you into stopping. And Satan wanted to try and prove me wrong by making FEAR appear powerful enough to change reality. I started to laugh and my fear turned into power as I worshipped my Savior and told Satan who He was. The song "No Fear in Love" played through my speakers and it hit me:
Perfect LOVE casts out all f e a r... God is PERFECT LOVE. He would never tell His children something by scaring them into it. He doesn't operate that way. Satan operates that way.
I found so much courage in that moment. I told Satan the truth without any doubt this time:
"My Father loves me. He will keep me safe. He is with me and on my side. He defeated you. I will not be shaken. Whatever you are trying to prevent from happening on this trip will happen because I'm not giving up."
Whenever Satan is afraid of what you are about to build in God's kingdom, He will do whatever He can to scare you into giving up so that it doesn't get built. But He can't actually keep you from building it, He can only scare you out of continuing construction.
The next song to play was "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."
Tears of victory and joy from heaven filled up the presence of my car... my heartbeat returned to peace, and I sang out in confidence.
There's a war that happens for YOUR soul. Let that prove in itself how AMAZING, full of potential, unstoppable, valuable, and precious YOU are. Only that which is PRICELESS is worth fighting wars over. Otherwise, the Enemy would never work so hard to have you. He knows what earth-changing, dark-destroying, beauty-creating, hope-giving, death-reversing, and life-breathing potential flows through your veins.
Unseen wars are even more dangerous than those that can be seen. Because they're hidden, you have to open up your heart to find them and to fight them. But the good news is that because of Jesus, you can ALWAYS WIN them. Unseen battles make your circumstances look like the battles. But the true battle always lies underneath your circumstance.
The God of Heaven is on YOUR side. You cannot lose when you are His soldier. Don't let something as powerless as fear have power over you. Refuse to allow fear to scare you into giving up. And that choice is the courage that will lead you into beautiful places with Jesus that you never dreamt to find.
-Han
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