A Dream Come True

I saw her.

She was an adorable little black girl with a sparkly bow in her hair. She was running in chaotic circles around her house on a huge property. She looked afraid. Sometimes she laughed, but there was something behind her smile that seemed confused... it seemed painful.

Her mom was at the front door begging her to come home. She tried everything. She even chased her a few times, but still couldn't get her to return. As I walked past, something stirred in my heart to go help.

I walked right up to her little, lost face; I scooped her tired body up into my arms without a fight, and together, we began to walk back towards the house.

She clung tightly to my chest. I kept assuring her that I loved her, and it was going to be alright. She looked up at me with watery eyes and said she prayed and asked God to send her someone to take her home... someone to rescue her. A smile spread across my lips and I said: "He sent me for you. I'm here to rescue you and take you home."

The rest of our walk to the house consisted of laughter and "i love you" 's. When we finally arrived, her mother couldn't stop crying and thanking me for returning her beloved daughter.


And then I woke up.


Tears filled my sleepy eyes. I immediately paralleled the dream to a confirmation from God that I would one day BE that rescuer my heart so desires to be for lost children across the world. I knew He used it to remind me that He hadn't forgotten-- that one day soon I will be able to rescue the oppressed and help return the lost to their homes.

I rushed to tell my own mother how vividly God had spoken to me through my dream. She stopped and said:

"Hannah, I think God wants to rescue you."                       

Could that be why He has postponed my dream/vision/trip to Africa for now?
Through these last few weeks, He has given me a loud, resounding, and constant "YES!!!!"

That same day as I was reading in Isaiah, I came across this verse word for word in Isaiah 60:4: "...your little daughters will be carried home." ...... Laughing out loud I thought, okay Jesus. I believe you. I get it.

I've lived in denial, honest ignorance, and justification of a problem I've had for almost ten years...

Call it what you will, but the effects of it go so much deeper than the medical terminology for it.

The doctor will call it an eating disorder. But I would call it my prison cell. 

I didn't think it was even an issue anymore, honestly. I  was "over and past that" years ago. Who cares if I skip meals here and there and run until I throw up? I deserve it right? No big deal. It's not as bad as it used to be. I'm fine.

And I lived with that "fine" and happily carried on with my life. Sure it came and went. Sometimes worse than others depending on where I was at in life. Until one day...

When it became a deeper issue than "not liking my body".  I hated myself. I hated myself so badly that I thought I deserved to hurt myself. I was convinced my worth, my beauty, my identity my feelings... none of it mattered if I was "fat". Depression like I've never known it before hit me so hard in the face every day that I couldn't even get out of bed. My emotions started to numb and all I felt was pain, anger, and hatred for myself.

In a very short time, this disorder began to completely steal my joy, take away who I was, crush my dreams, and make me miserable.

Consumed, broken, hurting, confused and SO very lost.

Thank God for friends who love me enough to force me to get help. So that's where I've been... spending everyday in a hospitalized clinic for recovery. Admitting this in general is extremely hard for me. But going through the process of recovery, tears, anger, and reliving things from my past I want to forget more than anything has been the hardest.

But God is healing me, friends. He is cleaning out the clutter of my past. He is speaking the truth over my heart and my life. He is walking with me through every tear filled day. He is showing me exactly how HE feels about me. He is showing me He loves me every moment of the day. More than anything, He is teaching me that He delights in rescuing me and taking me back home. Now when I re-read my dream, I place myself as the little daughter in the story... and I see Jesus play the part that I've been trying to for so many years.

He loves me NOW. He wants me even in this place. In the most broken, weak, shameful, and helpless place. He still loves me. Every day He tells me again in a new and special way: "I am here for you. I am here to rescue you and take you home."