Disabilities Displayed

This man has literally been blind since he entered the world. He's never seen ANYTHING.
Not a sunset, or a beautiful girl, how his face looks, what fingers look like, an autumn tree, or even a polar bear. (scratch that last example, neither have I.. but you get my point).

His ENTIRE life he has had to live with this blindness-- this disability-- this weakness.
I'm sure he's questioned his parents, his family, his friends time after time: WHY? Why would God do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to be different than everyone else?

He's endured  relentless ridicule from the community everyday and harrassment from the religious leaders for his "sin" that caused this disability.

But Jesus tells us in John 9 that this man's "weakness" wasn't the cause of sin, punishment or disability at all. In fact, Jesus says this man's blindness was given him by God SO THAT God's power could be seen IN HIM.

Jesus spits in some mud and restores his sight in an instant.

Hold up.

Don't you think that if this man had known since birth, that along with his blindness also would come an encounter with Jesus Himself, a miracle of healing done by Jesus, an opportunity for the world to see God's glory, salvation granted, and an entire chapter in the Bible about his story, that he would begin to view his weakness MUCH differently?

He would understand that God doesn't create weaknesses as disabilites, He creates them for our destinies. Each time someone threw ridicule his way, I bet he would've been able to shrug it off because his faith was in something greater... something to come.

No longer would he view it as his disability, but as his opportunity to meet Jesus face to face, and to be a beautiful display of God's power shining out of him for the entire world to see.

What if we could view our weaknesses the same way? Physical, mental, emotional, whatever it may be... however inconvenient, however painful, however constant, however different, however noticable, however ridiculed, however "unacceptable", however embarrassing... it is our platform to display God's power to the world.

Rather than letting our weaknesses hold us back, we're meant to let them push us forward to the glory that is to come. But this man didn't even know for the majority of his life that his destiny for greatness was found in his greatest disability. How fortunate that we are already told, that we can have FAITH in what is to come.

So stop fighting your weaknesses, surrender it to God, and let Him fulfill the destiny for greatness He created you for. And just like this man, the first thing you will lay your new eyes upon will be Jesus Himself, and the first thing the world will lay their eyes upon when they look at you, will be the power of Jesus displayed within you.

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Just One Word

Hearts.

These organs in our chest are the largest sustainer of life for all of us.

Without a heart beat, we wouldn’t be.

But the other kind of heart we have also dictates life or death… the one that keeps our eternity sustained. The one that loves, hurts, feels, and keeps our souls beating.

We don’t remind our hearts to do their job. No one wakes up and gives their aorta a pep talk about pumping blood all day long. It used to be that way with our other heart too. God created both hearts in perfect sync with His. Both only knew perfection, joy, freedom, and life.

Then sin came and broke what was perfect into a dead, flat EKG in our souls.

The choice to sin was ours, and when we seized it, the choice to who we give our hearts to also became our responsibility.

When I give my heart away to other things and any person, they now hold total control of it’s beating… it’s life, it’s value, it’s freedom, the way I view myself—how I LIVE.

If I give it to a person and they betray me, now I’m worthless and not as good as what they betrayed me for.

If I give it to a person and they give up on me, now I’m not worth fighting for, I’m useless.

If I give it to someone that hurts me deeply, now I’m not worth being loved, and in fact, I’m worth being hurt. I deserve to inflict pain upon myself.

If I give it to an addiction, it never feels satisfied. It never beats fast enough, so I try my hardest to give it more of what it wants. But I’m exhausted at keeping it going.

If I give it to my career or expectations from others, the second I don’t measure up, I’m a failure. A complete failure.

Or sometimes, I give it to a person, a thing, an addiction, or a dream, and they can treat it with so much love and care that it’s full of life and beats of joy…. But still… the one word you’re longing for from all of these things and all of these people is never being given.

You ask and search and you cry and try and you long from the deepest part of who you are to hear it, to be it:

E N O U G H

But these people, these things, these dreams, they all have something in common that prevents them from ever giving you this word:

They’re dying. They're broken. They're also searching. They are all apart of this temporary earth and contain mortal flesh.

It’s IMPOSSIBLE to infinitely affirm the eternity in our hearts with something that is temporary. Even with our deepest cries of desperation for that one word our entire lives, we will still be left giving our hearts to dead, hollow flesh.

The only logical and possible solution to give rest to our wandering and searching hearts is the only One who is eternal. The one who created us AS enough—as more than enough… as perfection. The One who restored our enough after we broke into shattered pieces of “almost”.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace.

Now I don’t have to give away my heart in hopes that I will be enough for its’ new owner. Once I gave it to Jesus, He reminds me with every new sunrise, every morning, that I’m forever enough because now, I’m forever His.

Eternally enough.

Sustained,

Claimed,

Immovable,

Untouchably,

His.

You're Allowed to be Naked

I remember earlier this year when my pain couldn't keep itself inside much longer and I went to a friend's to just ask for a hug... which even seemed uncomfortable to me. That little voice inside always loved to remind me: "You exist to be used." But I just needed somebody. He hugged me and I sobbed. Apologizing the whole time, I stopped myself eventually and afterwards I was like "okay, thanks! I feel much better now. All good. Bye!" The next day when I saw him, he told me that he held me to a higher standard than everyone else, that it didn't seem right that I had a "bad" day, that I should stop being sad, and that he just wanted me to be happy again like usual.

Regardless of his intentions behind those comments, that reinforced even deeper into my heart: You are not allowed to expose your weaknesses... you really aren't allowed to HAVE any. You exist FOR others. Your problems bother other people. You aren't worth the help, so start helping other people.

But I got tired. Exhausted. Running on empty, empty, empty. I was sick of being alone but I refused to let anyone in to help me. Because honestly, I had let people in before; and they just proved all the more that I existed to be used. So I was set on being the helper and strong one the rest of my life... and eventually all my problems would dissolve in the mix. Until one day running on empty couldn't cut it anymore, and I had absolutely nothing left to give.

Miserable, lonely, depressed, hurting, bitter, worthless, exhausted... And then Jesus showed up. He sent me people who refused to let me push them away and forced me to get to the roots of all my pain. He saved my life that I was ready to take from myself.

He blessed me with people who loved me FOR me.. not for what they could get FROM me. These are the people who have stuck by my side through all the messy heartbreak of recovery and the unveiling of my painful childhood. They don't hold me to any other standard but human. They let me be broken. I have found that being broken with each other is the most beautiful part of community. It's as if all the shattered pieces of our humanity can be knit together into a strong bond of friendship. 

You can only live your life for everyone else for so long. We can't serve, love, give, and LIVE to our fullest potential until we first allow ourselves be loved, served, and given to. Not only by the Creator of life, but by the specific brothers and sisters God has breathed life into surrounding us.

Of course people will hurt us, let us down, and can never be the ones to "fix" us... but the right ones can love us, support us, rejoice with us, cry with us, hold us when we can't hold ourselves, encourage us, be broken alongside us, share our burdens, and walk with us through our mess. THIS is true and godly friendship. 

Being openly broken together and loving each other because of it. 

If people won't walk with you through the fire, they don't deserve to walk with you through the sunshine.

God has shown me that just as walking closely with Him through the suffering grows our relationship, so it grows my earthly relationships. I'm no longer scared or ashamed to expose my brokenness to my community because I know they expect nothing less and nothing more. 

The people who are pursuing Jesus will love us like Jesus. Unconditionally, with zero expectations, and relentlessly. He is so good to provide exactly who we need, exactly when we need them. 

Let yourself be loved. 

You're worth it. 

Just Walk With Me

So I find myself here.

In the messiest, most unknown, challenging, and painful place I've ever been at in life.

For the first time, I don't know what's next. I don't have the slightest bit of an answer.

There are a hundred different paths in front of me. Each one holding massive amounts of fear, but each containing so much beauty as well.

It's funny as I realize how much my identity was wrapped into what others wanted and what I was doing, rather than who God created me to be.  As I'm stripped of everything I had planned, I've had no other choice than to ask God exactly who I am in Him.

As I ask Him every day to tell me, He not only answers my prayers, but He SHOWS me who HE is... and who I am because of it. 

The more honest and vulnerable I am with the broken condition of my heart, the more His grace comes flooding into every part of me. It's at my dirtiest that I experience his love the deepest. Yet, I spend so much time trying to do, look, overcome, fix, and BE better.

When in reality, my heart was designed to personally receive his love in it's exact condition... He made me this way (soul, heart, and body)  for a specific and exact purpose that can only be accomplished through EVERY PIECE of my flawed, imperfect, and unique existence. I've been fighting to get to a place that makes me more "lovable"... but He says: You've never been more lovable than at your most youiest. Resting in my broken ME-ness is where I'm most capable of receiving His perfect love.

So here I am... the farthest from order and known I've ever been, but the closest to Jesus I've ever found myself. If there's one thing He has spoken over me all day every day, it's this: Just walk with Me.

He doesn't ask me to get it all together before I can live. He just asks me to walk with Him through the process. When I finally accepted that promise, freedom broke off the heavy and overwhelming chains of worry and fear. I can do anything, I can go anywhere, I can face any fear, I can confront  the scariest pains of my past, and I can walk through any storm... because He is walking WITH me.

My mistake was seeking all the answers.
My answer was seeking Him instead.
He cares way more about our hearts than our circumstances and time frames.

He loves me deeper than I'll ever understand. All I have to do to receive it is BE... and nevertheless be ME? With every flaw, fear, and issue.... He is so relentless in pursuing my heart. It brings me to my knees as I ask Him WHY, Jesus? Why, even here at my messiest, do you love me still?
And through every cloud in the evening sky, every person He sends my way, and each promise He reminds me of, He whispers:  

Because you're Mine.


Romans 12:1-2