I remember earlier this year when my pain couldn't keep itself inside much longer and I went to a friend's to just ask for a hug... which even seemed uncomfortable to me. That little voice inside always loved to remind me: "You exist to be used." But I just needed somebody. He hugged me and I sobbed. Apologizing the whole time, I stopped myself eventually and afterwards I was like "okay, thanks! I feel much better now. All good. Bye!" The next day when I saw him, he told me that he held me to a higher standard than everyone else, that it didn't seem right that I had a "bad" day, that I should stop being sad, and that he just wanted me to be happy again like usual.
Regardless of his intentions behind those comments, that reinforced even deeper into my heart: You are not allowed to expose your weaknesses... you really aren't allowed to HAVE any. You exist FOR others. Your problems bother other people. You aren't worth the help, so start helping other people.
But I got tired. Exhausted. Running on empty, empty, empty. I was sick of being alone but I refused to let anyone in to help me. Because honestly, I had let people in before; and they just proved all the more that I existed to be used. So I was set on being the helper and strong one the rest of my life... and eventually all my problems would dissolve in the mix. Until one day running on empty couldn't cut it anymore, and I had absolutely nothing left to give.
Miserable, lonely, depressed, hurting, bitter, worthless, exhausted... And then Jesus showed up. He sent me people who refused to let me push them away and forced me to get to the roots of all my pain. He saved my life that I was ready to take from myself.
He blessed me with people who loved me FOR me.. not for what they could get FROM me. These are the people who have stuck by my side through all the messy heartbreak of recovery and the unveiling of my painful childhood. They don't hold me to any other standard but human. They let me be broken. I have found that being broken with each other is the most beautiful part of community. It's as if all the shattered pieces of our humanity can be knit together into a strong bond of friendship.
You can only live your life for everyone else for so long. We can't serve, love, give, and LIVE to our fullest potential until we first allow ourselves be loved, served, and given to. Not only by the Creator of life, but by the specific brothers and sisters God has breathed life into surrounding us.
Of course people will hurt us, let us down, and can never be the ones to "fix" us... but the right ones can love us, support us, rejoice with us, cry with us, hold us when we can't hold ourselves, encourage us, be broken alongside us, share our burdens, and walk with us through our mess. THIS is true and godly friendship.
Being openly broken together and loving each other because of it.
If people won't walk with you through the fire, they don't deserve to walk with you through the sunshine.
God has shown me that just as walking closely with Him through the suffering grows our relationship, so it grows my earthly relationships. I'm no longer scared or ashamed to expose my brokenness to my community because I know they expect nothing less and nothing more.
The people who are pursuing Jesus will love us like Jesus. Unconditionally, with zero expectations, and relentlessly. He is so good to provide exactly who we need, exactly when we need them.
Let yourself be loved.
You're worth it.
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