Understanding Misunderstanding

Ever since I was a little girl, I asked my mommy why people didn't understand me.

She'd lean over sweetly smiling and say: "Because you're different, sweetheart." or "God has such big plans for you."

I never liked those answers. Because they didn't give me an answer I wanted.
I wanted her to tell me that someday SOMEONE would understand me and my heart and how I saw life.

But to this day, she still says the same things. But now that I've grown up ( a little ), I understand her answers much, much better.

I think that is one of the central longings of the human heart-- to be understood... to be known from the deepest parts of who you are. When someone "understands" you, essentially they are seeing the rawest, most genuine form of your soul that God created it be, and loving (not always the case, but it's what we hope for) you in that place.

We are all so DIFFERENT.

Sure, sometimes people understand small pieces of your dreams, desires, and silly parts of who you are, but do they really understand all of you?

As I get closer to God's heart, I see why He made us this way... with this hole in our hearts. And it was definitely not on accident.

Every time I feel the sting of someone thinking I'm a freak, or thinking my intensity or passion is weird, or thinking I'm "over the top", or saying they just don't understand me or my life choices, I turn to my Creator and say, "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME LIKE THIS!?"

But the beauty of it is just that:

HE made me. HE crafted my heart to feel both pain and joy this deeply and dream huge dreams and compliment strangers and dance in grocery stores and want more than what America has to offer.

 HE KNOWS ME.

He knit together and holds together even the smallest cells that compose my skin and nose and eyelashes and keep my heart beat beating.

Our world is shattered with sin, and it's crackled the ability for others to understand us. Some may more than others, but no one on earth will ever GET IT like our Maker does.

Because He made you for the SOLE PURPOSE of KNOWING YOU. 

Why would He let someone else take that from both of you? He knows the relationship between you and Him is the most important, life-giving, joy filled, fruitful, and lasting relationship you could ever have in this world.

The less I'm understood by someone, the more I'm reminded God understands every piece of me.

We were made to be known.
By our Creator.

He made the moon and stars and spoke each ocean into existence, yet He knows ME.
He paints a new sunset and sunrise every single day, yet He knows ME. ALL the time.
He keeps the earth turning at it's exact speed constantly, yet He knows ME eternally.

Be encouraged through the lonely sting of being misunderstood, that Someone who calls your heart a masterpiece knows, understands, and cherishes every single part of who you are.

He wants you to turn to HIM and understand HIM better.
Because the more of Him you know, the less people understanding you will matter.

While we were made to be in community with the people around us, God didn't intend for them to be the source that cures our loneliness.

He designed us to know Him, and to be known 100%, in and out, BY Him.

Let your loneliness remind you of the One who ALONE KNOWS You.

If you embrace Him in your loneliness, He promises to embrace YOU.

-Han

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
 You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
 You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

We Will Overcome

"I have given you Jericho, it's king, and all it's strong warriors." Joshua 6:2

You would think God said this AFTER Joshua fought the war and seized the city, but not at all. 

As I read through the commonly told story of Jericho and the walls falling down, this struck me differently today. Many of us have heard the story before of Joshua leading the Israelites through the fortified city of Jericho to enter the Promised Land, but I wanna focus on this aspect of the story.

God GIVES VICTORY to Joshua before he has even been given a plan, fought a war, or attempted to win. 

Joshua was able to claim the victory before he had even seen it happen. 

This didn't mean Joshua was free from fighting. He still had to follow God's seemingly ridiculous and insane plan to attain it: walking around the wall saying nothing for an entire week and then screaming like crazy people and blowing trumpets. But of course God was faithful, and they followed His instructions, and the city was conquered-- the walls literally fell down. 

God has given us victory.

Over death, over sin, over apathy, over addiction, over our mistakes, over our pasts, over our temptation, over every battle.

That doesn't mean we're free from fighting. It doesn't mean we still don't have to follow the instructions of His plan. It doesn't mean we will never look crazy, or that sometimes doubt will creep in. 

But it should drive us boldly and confidently to fight the battle, because we know that in Him, the victory is already ours. You have to be patient, listen for instructions, walk to it, walk through it, fight for it, and claim it.

In other words, you have to DO something. You have to listen for God's leading. You have to be willing to look foolish. You have to trust Him despite anything else. And when you do, God will break down every single wall that is holding you back and holding you down.

"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37

We will overcome

By the blood of the lamb and the Word of our testimony

Everyone overcome

-Han

Waiting in the Rain

We are an impatient people.

Especially in America, we are taught from birth that immediate is better... that quick fixes and instant results signify success and correct choices.

But don't many of the best and most beautiful things take TIME?

I've been reflecting on Ecclesiastes 3 where it says: "For God has made everything beautiful in it's time."

Tears, Laughter, Flowers, Planting, Death, Life, Working, Relaxing, War, Peace, Brokenness, and Healing.

Telling us there is a season for every single activity underneath the sun. 

Nothing in the Bible would tell us that God is a God of "quick fixes". In fact, it would tell us quite the opposite. Especially with our salvation. It took Jesus hundreds of years to arrive, and 33 years on earth to accomplish his mission. But everything in between held so much purpose.

The only place God instantaneously creates is in the very beginning when He speaks Creation into existence. So is he capable of doing so? Absolutely. Yet, He chooses a different avenue with us as His children. He chooses a process-- a journey.

Because He knows it is in the process that our faith is strengthened, and our perseverance becomes greater. He knows in those painful and grueling places of endurance, He can mold us and shape us. He can speak to us and prove Himself the most faithful. He can prune us to the core and ask us what we really believe... what we really want. Because if it's HIM, nothing will shake our faith. 

I'm in a season right now that is HARD. It's painful and it's really scary. As I beg God each day to H E A L as only He can, I often question why He doesn't just bring it now and take all my pain away. But I realized something on my run last night next to abandoned railroad tracks and underneath the stars:

Just like the weather, every season is just a season. Regardless of how it looks, what is happening, how it feels, or how hard it is, it doesn't change the spinning of the earth. The Universe is still held in place and God still sustains every moment. Whether it's snowing and blowing freezing wind on our faces, or it's pouring down rain for hours, or if the sun is shining brightly with a perfect breeze, it's just a season. 

It is the same with our own seasons in life. Whether you are waking up each day with extreme heartache and hopelessness, or fighting against an apathetic heart, or if you are working through abuse in your past, or if you are dancing for joy in each moment of your week, or if you are seeking healing from physical ailments or emotional scars, or if you are the happiest you have ever been, it's just a season.

It doesn't change who God is, and it absolutely doesn't change who He has made you to be. It doesn't change the promise that He is sustaining your every breath. It doesn't mean your heart stopped beating. It doesn't stop His plan for your life. It doesn't change His hands holding your world. And it definitely never changes His love for you and His constant pursuit of your heart. 

Don't allow what is happening around you take away from what God is doing IN you. He uses everything-- each and every season crafted beautifully for the time you are in it's bounds. Purposed to make YOU more beautiful and like Jesus in a way that only THAT season can. 

Even the painful seasons. Especially the painful seasons. Let Him shape and heal. Let Him do what He alone promises to do. 

A broken bone takes more than a magic pill to fix, it requires a cast, it takes TIME. 

A caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly in a minute, it requires a cocoon, it takes TIME.

A flower doesn't appear a day after you plant a seed, it requires sunlight, it takes TIME.

I love using biological and ecological examples, because it reinforces that God's promises are everywhere. Not just in His word, but in His Creation. We can never forget.

Hold onto Him in whatever season you find yourself in. Remember He isn't giving up on you, He isn't stopping the Universe, He hasn't forgotten your story, He has a reason for everything going on in the season you are in. 

And the more you hold onto Him in THIS season, the more you will fall in love with His heart and trust Him in the next. 

Why do we assume that our timing is better when God is the author of time? His timing is perfect, His healing is constant, His promises prove true, His love is relentless, and He is always shaping us more like Himself.

-Han 

"8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Don't Forget to Remember

"I can't believe who I used to be".

I spoke these words to a friend; sharing some of my story and all that happened over this past year.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I shared stories. 

Stories of fear.

Stories of heartache.

Stories of sickness.

Stories of hopelessness.

Stories of VICTORY.

And the best part about every one these stories was that they all started in hopelessness, but always ended in victory. 

Every single time.

Victory didn't always quite look like I expected it to, or even "wanted" it to at the time.

It looked better. 

It looked stronger.

It looked like seemingly impossible beauty created from hopeless, frail ashes.

I wish that wasn't how perseverance worked, because it's really freaking hard. And it's painful. But would it really be a victory if there was never a war fought?

We can't deny it's truth painted everywhere:

The bitter death of plants by Winter, for the beautiful and bright season of Spring.

The biology of our muscles to be broken down and damaged through weightlifting, to be rebuilt stronger and sturdier, able to endure even more weight. 

Crashing rainstorms and downpours, for the rainbow bloom of millions of wildflowers.

Endless, exhaustive, physical training to cross the finish line of a marathon.

The Truth of His promise literally stamped into the biology of our cells and the ecology of our universe. 

Endure. Persevere. Grow. 

Hold on. Stay strong. Heal.

Fight. Don't give up. Gain.

When The Bible says that all of Creation is singing His Name, I believe it is quite literal. If you could hear it through the rustling of every tree branch and bursting beam of sunlight, I think it would sound a lot like this: 

"God is faithful".

One of the best ways to find courage is by looking back on how far He has taken you. Looking at where you used to be, and where you are now. 

He was faithful then, He IS faithful now. 

As nature reminds us of His faithfulness, our stories ought to be the proof. Don't be ashamed of them, freely share them with others. For it's a testament to not only the listeners, but also to the teller. It may just surprise your heart to hear yourself speak the victories you've found from the war you once fought. 

With great TRUST, comes great bravery. 

So don't give up. Just because your victory hasn't arrived, does not mean it won't. Remember how far He has taken you. Remember what He's delivered you from. 

Spring is just around the corner. 

-Han

"My enemies did their best to kill me, but The Lord rescued me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has given me victory." -Psalm 118:13-14

"In Your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection." Psalm 18

"Listen to me, all who hope for deliverance-- all who seek the Lord. Consider the rock from which you were cut, the quarry from which you were mined. Yes, think about Abraham, your ancestor, and Sarah, who gave birth to your nation. Abraham was only a man when I called him. But when I blessed him, he became a great nation. The Lord will comfort Israel again and have pity on her ruins. Her desert will blossom like Eden, her barren wilderness like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found there. Songs of thanksgiving will fill the air." Isaiah 51:1-3

Meaning in the Mundane

I used to work 18 hour days when I lived in Auburn. My days started around 4:30 am and ended somewhere around 12 am. Juggling 3 jobs and constantly in "GO" mode.

My favorite time of each hectic and non-stop day at work?

Washing the dishes.

Maybe part of that is attributed to the "woman" nature in me, maybe it's subconscious wife training or something...

but the main reason was because it was the only time in the day I could be STILL, that I could be alone with God and have space with my thoughts apart from the chaos. 

Undisturbed moments with a sink full of tainted water, coffee stained mugs, plates dripping with leftover chocolate cake and soapy bubbles, and a heart covered in PEACE.

It makes me laugh because to this day, every time I start washing dishes anywhere, I feel that same sense of peace. God meets me there.

Some of my greatest revelations and realizations have been with a yellow sponge in my hand and a piled high stack of dirty pots and pans in front of me.

Just yesterday at work in the middle of a long and painful day, He spoke to me while I scrubbed strawberry banana smoothie out of the blender, and told me exactly what I needed to hear.

Sometimes it's profound and life-changing words, sometimes it's just a breath of peace breathed into my stressful day, sometimes it's a giant smile spread across my face from laughter, but always, it holds purpose. 

He loves us enough to give us hope and challenge us, even when we are doing simple and repetitive tasks.

Simple moments where we are brought back to the calmness He intended can literally happen anywhere, doing anything, at anytime. Never overlook even the smallest peaceful moments... because it is THERE-- in the stillness-- that God will calm down your chaos and speak Truth into your soul.

What is that for you? Maybe it's washing the dishes. Maybe it's driving to work. Or maybe it's brushing your teeth before bed.

Nothing is too mundane or boring for Him to speak through, especially if you are listening.



-Han

Intentional

Sometimes chaos won't leave us alone.

It's that little painful voice from your past that likes to whisper worry, destruction, and hopelessness into your present. It grows louder with every chance we give it to make itself known and at home in our hearts. 

I think one of Satan's greatest victories over us as Believers is his ability to make us focus on what happened, rather than what is happening to make way for what WILL happen. 

The worst thing to do is to sit around and let it overtake you.

Those feelings take no time creeping in:

"You weren't good enough then, so why would you ever be?"

"It's just gonna fall apart and you'll look even more foolish"

"Don't dream so big-- unless you wanna fail again"

"No one could love you because of XYZ"

"It's not worth the risk"

"It will stay this way forever"

And by feelings, I meant lies.

Often we think we can just sit there and ignore them and they'll all just politely leave us alone.

But that's not the case. They multiply and get louder and louder until we become crippled by their unrelenting voices. 

I have learned the best thing to do in times like these is to intentionally seek Jesus. 

This tactic fights AGAINST the Enemy rather than just avoiding him. 

We often think "ignoring" is the same as fighting, but the Truth is alive and active, it's not ignorant and passive.

It looks different for everyone.

Running 5 miles into the sunrise.

Sitting down at a coffee shop with Isaiah 43.

Long drives by yourself in nature with worship music.

Reflecting on His past faithfulness.

Fill in whatever works best for you.

I have yet to be intentional with moments like these without Him speaking. 

Because He a l w a y s blesses our obedience to seek Him out.

Being intentional doesn't look like 5 minutes a day if you have time and can remember, just like fighting doesn't look like ignoring the issue and hoping it leaves you alone.

It looks like sacrificing something you inherently desire for something you need more. 

Like giving up sleeping in for gaining a sunrise.

Or giving up Netflix to gain a half hour with your Bible.

It will never be what you expect, because it will be better than what your human brain could concoct. 

He is intentional to answer if we are intentional to ask.

He is intentional to give if we are intentional to seek.

And the peace that floods your soul as every voice of "can't" fades away, will make the "sacrifice" seem like no sacrifice at all. 

He will bless each and every choice you make towards Him and away from just filling up time.

So be intentional against your past and for your future. 

Hope is never far away if you just have the courage to look for it.

-Han

Rescued People Rescue People

Global injustice used to just be pictures and stories to me.

Yeah, sometimes I would get goosebumps for a whole whopping 45 seconds.

But, I would still be able to move on with my day the moment a distraction came up.

That all changed the moment I looked into the eyes of injustice.

Sure, I've experienced my own share of injustice,
but nothing like what is found inside brothels, hidden alleyways, dangerous orphanages, a corrupted government, or the evil walls of all human trafficking.

My problems suddenly become very small when I look at the hurting world around me.

Children ripped away from their families to be abused day and night, kids who lost their parents and are forced to beg on the streets for their traffickers, girls stripped naked to do the unthinkable with 30 strangers a day, five year olds forced to use a gun to kill, orphans who are abandoned to die without being hugged or given hope, men and women forced to have sex against their will in terrifying places, people who die every few seconds due to hunger and disease... the list could keep going.


And who did God put in charge of ensuring J U S T I C E to these people he calls His sons and daughters?

You and I.

The Church.

And what has the majority of those of us in "The Church" done about it?

Looked at pictures and read stories and gotten goosebumps and moved on with our days.

Maybe some of us have even donated money towards the cause of eliminating trafficking.

But how many of us have hurt, prayed, cried, or WENT into these dark places?

God rescued us SO THAT we could GO RESCUE others. 

I'm not saying at all that everyone is meant to go to foreign countries and quit their jobs or anything like that, I'm just saying we've gotten really good at justifying injustice around us.

Because oh... it's uncomfortable, it's dirty, it's scary, it's gonna actually cost us something more than a few hours on a Sunday or 10% of our paycheck.

Isn't that enough? I get pretty fired up about this issue because I think, what if Jesus had that attitude?

"Well I've preformed miracles and healed sick people and told good stories to these people so that's enough. Dying on a cross would just be too much. I'm good."

We would all be eternally screwed and hopelessly doomed if He had that attitude. And as His followers we are called to BE LIKE HIM....
Not just to the extent that lets us keep our comfortable life. Spoiler alert: We're called to lose that too.

American Culture teaches us to stay AWAY from the danger and the dirt, but Jesus teaches us to go FIND it, and then DO something about it.

He's extremely clear about that in Scripture. Caring for the poor, ensuring justice, helping the hurting... it's required of us, not suggested if we have time or a "heart" for it.

If we have had our hearts truly changed by His grace, we will have a heart for it, because that's HIS heart.

With that being said, what are you doing about this world's injustice?
I'm not saying I'm perfect in this either, but I'm done with pretending like it's just a picture or a story.
Because it's a picture of a LIFE, and it's a story of a HEART. They're real people, and they are OUR responsibility to love.

God equips each of us differently to fight injustice.

But He commands us ALL to fight it. It's not something "some of us" in the Church are called to, it's something we are all responsible for.

Pray against APATHY.
Pray FOR the people caught in this.
Pray for opportunities to DO something.
Pray for your specific ROLE in this fight.
Pray for God to make your heart more like His in this issue.
Pray for courage.

STOP LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY. This is the number one product of sex trafficking. Next time you're temped to do so, remember it's literally paying the pockets of the traffickers and keeping girls enslaved.
STOP pretending like it doesn't exist.
STOP using the excuse that you live in America.
STOP justifying your lack of concern and influx of comfort.
STOP avoiding stories and pictures because they make you feel "uncomfortable".
STOP talking about something and do something.
STOP judging prostitutes and porn stars and start praying for them and loving them.
STOP being "satisfied" with where you are in your faith. That creates apathy. Strive for more.

START fulfilling your responsibility to help.
START loving the people around you.
START reevaluating your heart.
START making sacrifices.
START exposing yourself to realities of it.
START being honest with yourself.
START somewhere.

I realize this is a heavy topic and I've probably stepped on many toes at this point. But the truth of the Gospel is meant to do just that. And I'm done with accepting the role of "just enough" to pass as a Christian. I want more out of life than enough.

Nothing is more beautiful than being rescued, and second to that is rescuing another.

So let's not just disapprove of injustice, let's start fighting it.

-Han

just keep swimming

I suck at wanting to know the next, NEXT step.

Even when God has shown me a direct sign of what the NEXT step is, I'm convinced I need to know the ending of the staircase too.

Peace always finds me when I rest in where I AM-- 
chaos always finds me when I strive for where I want to go.

As if all the desires in my heart go unnoticed or forgotten by God's all-knowing and sovereign Being.
Not only is he aware of each and every one of them, He created them.

But we think if God just laid out a step by step plan of exactly how we would get there, all worry would be gone, right?

But what faith would that require?
None.

If God has put a promise, desire, or dream in your heart, He will fulfill it. Never how you think or expect; but better than you could ever hope.
I think too often we give up because they seem completely impossible, too sacrificial, too far off, or we tend to think WE can get ourselves there faster and better.

But God isn't looking for people who give up their callings based on detours and roadblocks, He's searching for people who use them as training ground. 

We miss so much beauty and growth when we focus on how we'll reach the end, instead of being where God has placed us right now. 

I thought about that so much as I've been hiking here in Colorado Springs. The difficult adventure to the highest part of the mountain is always worth it. When encountering a steep incline or massive boulder, I'm not just gonna turn around and go home. I'm gonna conquer it and keep going. We ought to look at life the same way.

Because once we reach our final destination, it makes all the bloody scrapes, all the burning in our muscles and lungs, all the pain on the way up, and all the fears of falling totally worth it.

Focus on the promise given, not the wall in your way.

He's given you legs to climb, but He isn't going to climb for you. That's your job.

And once you finally get there, everything else that once seemed like the end, will look like the beginning.

Simply e x i s t  in the moment He's placed in front of you. If He is sustaining this very moment, He will sustain the next, and the next, and the next.

So just REST. 
BE.

Because you're much closer to something beautiful than you realize.

-Han

Giving up Good

Flying is not my favorite.

I get motion sickness in just about anything that moves.

I had a long day of being in an airplane to get to Colorado Springs and I felt nauseous the entire flight.

I stuck my headphones in my ears and listened to some podcasts to pass time and take my attention off my nausea. It's funny how even in our weak intentions of distracting ourselves, God has grander intentions of revealing and convicting deeper issues within our hearts.

"God is not a duplicator, He is a Creator." 

Francis Chan spoke these words while I was flying somewhere over Texas.

This struck a chord in my heart as I thought about my own life and the lives of others' around me. How often do we strive for duplication rather than new creations? Because SAME equals SAFE.

Same job, Same house, Same relationships, same friendships, same body as hers, same abs as his, same old comfortable life.

But he brought up such a great point: "Jesus didn't save us out of our sin and death so we could stay the same." WHOAH.

Life Change is not only natural when it comes to falling in love with Jesus, but it's necessary to move forward. Not just adding things in like Church, Bible time, Prayer time, or Evangelism. But taking things out.

As Christians, it's common and all too simple to assume that the things we need to take out go as far as "sin". We try to push away the big obvious "no no's" as much as we can and once they're gone, it's easy to think that's about as far as we need to go for a decluttering of our hearts and lives.

But then as Christine Caine so beautifully pointed out somewhere high in the clouds, "Just because your friends and activities are NOT harmful, if they aren't HELPING to push you towards your destiny, you need to let them go."

I cringed when she said those words.
As I thought about relationships and activities that have remained the SAME for quite some time. They are not necessarily hurting me, but are they pushing me towards my overall purpose in life?

Because you better believe that there are a lot of people out there who have no interest in moving forward, they're interested in remaining the same. But as Christians, Christ is constantly calling us to MORE. More heart checking, more self-sacrifice, more loving, more crazy, more challenges, more growth, more dreaming, more impossible, more MORE.

It hit a sensitive and painful knot inside of me when I realized what God was speaking into my life. Because letting go is never easy, and it is always painful. Because same is easy and same feels good. But Jesus saved us to be different.

And we'll never find the GREAT that God has planned for us if we're still holding onto the GOOD that we've always had.

There has to be a sacrifice somewhere. I fought with God in my head for awhile until surrender was close to finding me. I remember feeling so much fear and worry about inviting all this new unknown into my life if I left behind the "same". And I kid you not, in that moment, our plane found the sunset and the Rockies right ahead.

All in one moment as I stared into the beauty ahead of me, I heard the resounding word whispered into my heart: DAUGHTER.

My eyes filled with tears as I held onto that promise. I am HIS. He will always provide and take care of us. He will only do infinitely better and even more beautiful things with our obedience to surrender. But He can't create something NEW and GREAT if we are constantly trying to duplicate our GOOD.

He is making ALL THINGS NEW.

But we have to let Him.

So give up your good, so he can create GREAT.

-Han