To Be Held

Most of the time I spent “growing up”, I spent alone. Full of secrets, splattered with pain, unanswered questions, confusing shame, running towards “answers”, and a lot of disappointment. Those ten years of my life held an emptiness that even I didn’t realize. I don’t think anyone can understand the extent of their emptiness until they’ve experienced what it means to be truly full.

Those 10 years of growing up without any kind of rooted support system led me into some addictions and behaviors and unhealthy relationships that almost destroyed me. My heart wanted to know WHY… why did everything happen, and why couldn’t I just be fought for, belong somewhere, or be loved for who I was?  I was determined to find an answer.

But here’s what I learned: I’d never find an answer until I stopped searching for one. Everything I chased ended up bringing up MORE questions rather than any kind of answers. I realized it had nothing to do with me on some quest to find a solution to fix the past or fix myself. It was actually the opposite. It had everything to do with Jesus and His quest 2,000 years ago that—rather than just “fixing” everything—transformed everything.

As I was chasing answers, I was running away from the only true answer. As God chased me with His love, I ran the opposite direction towards answers that I thought were better. But one day, after my tired legs gave out, He caught up to me and called me something I will never forget:  

D a u g h t e r.

He claimed me. When all my heart wanted for years was to be loved and to belong somewhere, HE found me. He never quit on me. The song “Relentless” by Hillsong Young and Free says it well:

“Tearing through the veil of darkness

Breaking every chain you set us free

Fighting for the furthest heart

You gave your life for all to see

Your love is relentless”

A painful, hollow, hole that people and laughter and addiction could only fill with a constant and exhausting fan to keep the flame lit. And sometimes, even the endless going and doing and striving left me emptier than ever. But then, in the most hopeless of places, God swept me up out of the chaos, and rather than instructing me how I could find the right answer, He gave Himself to me, He said there I was safe, there I was free, there I had a home, there I was loved, there I was enough, there I could rest. HE was the answer all along.

As someone who has been a dedicated “church-goer” and ministry-activist since they were 2 years old, I can assure you going to church and volunteering your days away will not take away the emptiness. And as many times as you have heard “Jesus is the answer”, or have gotten bored or freaked out by the thought of “following” God, the truth is that KNOWING God not only fills your emptiness, but it transforms every part of you.

Hopeless to BRAVE

Broken to HEALED

Abused to TREASURED

Ashes to BEAUTY

Slave to FREE

Depressed to JOYFUL

Used to PURPOSED

Addict to NEW CREATION

Sinner to SAVED

Captive to CAPTIVATED

Orphan to DAUGHTER

Darkness to SHINING

Hollow to OVERFLOWING

Running to RESTING

Doing to BEING

Worthless to PRICELESS

Hurting to HELD

This is the detail-free version of my story and how Jesus flipped me around. But isn’t it the same for all of us who have truly experienced His grace? The words above are His Gospel. He did the impossible and reaches through the unthinkable just to hold & know our hearts. Not while we were at our prime, but when we were at our worst. THAT is love.

While the sting still exists of wanting an earthly support system to wrap their arms around me and understand my heart at times, I am reminded time and time again that God’s arms can reach around the Universe, yet still they choose to wrap around me too. Even when I cannot feel it, He is still there. Even when I cannot see Him, He is still working. Even when I cannot hear him, He is still speaking. Even when I cannot understand Him, He is still up to something beautiful. 

In the middle of a season where His presence is not as strong to me, I am holding tightly to His promises. After a crazy, life-endangering, worry-filled day, I went for a walk and found this. He held me close with a gorgeous masterpiece in the sky. I felt His arms around me. Not the earthly kind, but a better kind-- the kind that can reach across the world, drape around the mountains with ribbons of pink clouds, and still somehow find their way to me.

This has been heavy upon my heart for quite some time, and I wanted to share it to you who may be empty; you who may be running, searching, striving, hurting, trapped, losing hope, or alone. He is your answer. He is your solution. He won’t “fix” what’s happened, but even better, He’ll transform it into something for beauty. God is not about erasing our pasts, but USING them for the hope of someone else's futures.

All the pain, regret, and injustice that happened in my past, God has used it to show me what my future is meant to look like. What I’m supposed to change, who I need to extend hope to, what I’m passionate about, and what He is capable of flipping around. The darker the dungeon in which you are trapped, the brighter the sun once you are free, the greater love for your rescuer.

Don’t waste your time wishing away your mistakes or your painful past, let God USE them to change someone else’s future. If He loved me at my worst, then I can love another at theirs. If He unlocked me from my prison, then I can bring the keys to anothers’ cell. If He shined a light into my hopelessness, then I can shine it back into the hopelessness of another. If He set me free, then surely I can break the chains of another. If He gave me endless purpose in existing, then I’m determined to tell another why they do.

The answer is right in front of us. He is all around us. His love is relentless. And if you don’t believe me, just turn around from what you’re running towards and let Him show you. He is anxious to transform your pain into purpose, He is waiting to flip your regrets into hope. He is waiting to call you “Son” or “Daughter”.

To set you F R E E .

-Han