When We Don't Wanna Die

Over and over again, God has spoken what He wants.
And over and over again, I keep asking if there's any other way...
If there's something I am missing or hearing wrong.
If there's ANY way He can just move around and change this ONE detail in our story.


Because honestly this one detail seems like a death wish on everything I've ever wanted, worked towards, and fought for.


Yesterday, I was running underneath the blue, Spring sky and wrestling through this surrendering process. I was just telling Him how I felt-- how discouraged and confused I was-- how much none of this made sense to me-- how letting go of this detail brought about instant teeth clenching and tears of  frustration. Then He said something so beautiful but scary that I stopped running and looked up past the clouds:

"I've taught You about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach You about the Perfect Son."

Jesus.

I knew it so quickly that's what He meant. He's been weaving all these pieces around me and that statement was the glue that put it all together.

I've fallen in love with The Father's heart these last few years like I didn't know I could. He's patiently unveiled how He loves me as His own daughter, He's lovingly walked me through abuse and brokenness, He's undoubtedly redeemed all the evil that the Enemy used to destroy me, and He's proven Himself the PERFECT Daddy, the PERFECT Comforter, the PERFECT Provider, the PERFECT Author, the PERFECT Artist, the PERFECT Potter, and the PERFECT Father.

He's proven more faithful than words can speak and I can understand through logic. He's proven to exist in a way more tangible than my hands typing and the floor on which I stand. He's proven He loves me like a Perfect Daddy would and should. He's given me huge and small gifts alike; never overlooking one detail of my uniqueness. He's captivated my heart and unveiled how much my heart captivates His. He's proven to understand each and every detail of who I am and has chosen to hold me when I have nothing and no one. He's shown up when it's messy. He's embraced me in the darkness and invaded shame with light. He's replaced depression with joy. He's flipped bitterness and hatred into forgiveness and compassion. He's bent low from Heaven's clouds just to listen and be there when I needed to talk. He's rescued me from the lowest of all places and given me sunshine to dance in freely. He's completely stolen my heart in the most beautiful way and made all else outside of Him seem so fleeting and meaningless.

I know that I can trust Him. I have no choice but to trust Him. Because when you are THAT in love with someone, you will trust them with literally anything.

As I unpacked that phrase, "I've taught you about the Perfect Father, now I need to teach you about the Perfect Son", I immediately saw a picture of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sweating blood from fear, and begging The Father for a different way than the Cross. Jesus didn't want to die. But He recognized: "But this is the very reason I came."

The entire life of Jesus on this earth unveiled the Father's heart. The world had never known it until He entered. Everything He said came directly from the Father, everything He did was because the Father led Him to do it. Jesus was the Perfect Son belonging to His Perfect Father. He knew that He could trust Him no matter what His Daddy asked of Him. He knew that there was always greater purpose than what could be seen in the moment. And even though He did not want to sacrifice the thing that mattered most to Him on earth, He knew His Father loved Him and knew what mattered most in Heaven. So He said: "Not my will, but Yours."

This is where so many people give up on being a radical Christian. Because they can't say YES to Him if it means saying NO to what matters most to them on earth. Sacrifice feels wrong in every way. Even if it felt "inconvenient", "uncomfortable", or "irritating", it still wouldn't be sacrifice. Because sacrifice feels like a whip upon your vulnerable skin. Sacrifice feels like a thousand pounds of pain weighing down your soul. It feels like death to your heart. Because it IS death to something inside of you. That's exactly what makes it a sacrifice. It feels like pain and fear and anger pushing blood out of your pores. Jesus understood sacrifice. HE DID NOT WANT TO DIE. But He loved and trusted His Father SO MUCH, that He OBEYED. Remember that as you wrestle through letting go of what you hold to the most.

I am not trying to scare you, or discourage you from following Jesus. I'm simply laying out what He calls us to do. And once you've truly encountered the Father, you can't say no. You won't be able to no matter how much you run and fight His will. Because HE LOVES His children. He LOVES us. Just like a Father understands reasons and rules that His five year old simply cannot, so our Father up in Heaven has ways that are not our ways and reasons that go beyond our reason.

And don't forget the resurrection. Don't forget the hope that sprung up because He said YES to the Father and NO to His own way. Don't forget the life that was finally attainable because of His death. Don't forget the Father's faithfulness to His Son's obedience. Don't forget that because of HIS SACRIFICE, we have hope, we have life, we have joy, we have access to The Father, Jesus, AND the Holy Spirit.

Here I am, at the crossroads. Choosing my will, or obeying even when it costs me everything.

I believe He loves us so much that even death itself does not mark the end of our hope, but writes the beautiful beginning to life like we have never known it before. Trusting with every piece inside of me that His way-- no matter how confusing or painful-- is the best way. Holding onto our Perfect Father and letting Him be the Daddy that knows what is best for us.

Look at nature, look at Springtime, look at stunning, rainbow gardens and weeping willow trees and giant, yellow sunflowers that take our breath away from beauty... Each and every incredible promise in bloom around us first had to die and bury itself in the deep, darkness of the ground.

But just like Jesus buried in the darkness of the grave, The Father resurrected hope for humanity and access to Himself. Restoring not only what was taken, but infinitely MORE.

Just think of what He will do with your brave choice to let IT/THAT finally die... He will do the resurrecting, but we must be courageous and believe He loves us enough to first do the dying. What if the very thing you want the most on earth, must first die before it can live?

Let it go, friend. You were never meant to hold something tighter than His hand holding onto Yours anyway.

Your life here is so brief and temporary; I dare you to go all out and give The Father everything-- even that one thing, relationship, habit, dream, goal, whatever--  and let Him create a wonder you never could apart from His resurrection.

Because trust me, He loves you WAY TOO MUCH to let things remain as they are. He knows you are better off resurrected than you ever were simply just existing. But don't take my word for it, take His.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But it's death will produce many new kernels-- a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me." John 12:24-26


"Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, My Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them." John 14:21

Losing The List

"If you truly saw me for me-- no make up, no mask-- you wouldn't even want to touch me."

A line from a spoken word I wrote with my own hands. The words fell out out of my lips as my good friends recorded the poem on film inside an abandoned storm cellar. Surrounded by sharp debris, wooden paint chips, rusty forks and spoons, and a lot of nasty mold. As my ruby red lips spoke that line of how I once felt, I felt like a hypocrite.

Because although I have come miles and miles on this journey of accepting myself, the truth is that I still have quite a few more miles to go. The truth is that I still wear a mask most of the time. The truth is that I still feel inadequate in more ways than I can count. The truth is that somewhere between being a fearful, confused little girl and now, I adopted a mental list of what it means to be "lovable".

This "list" was never written on paper and shown to me, or published in a book entitled "How to Be Acceptable"; but, it held a power so strong that it led me into terrible decisions, prisons of addiction, and absolute disgust and hatred for not making myself onto the "list".
Maybe a better way to categorize this "list" is by the following the phrase: "Once I finally have..... BLANK.... everything will be okay, I'll be enough, I will be acceptable, I'll be happy, I can be confident, my husband will find me."

Here's the list of "acceptable" I made for myself:
Thighs that don't touch
Arms without any sort of extra skin resembling fat regardless if I knew it was muscle
Less weird
Hips that were not so damn wide... just some bone structure shaven down please?
A smaller teeth, whiter shade smile
Less seen as super "Jesusy"
Bigger Disney Princess eyes that weren't overtaken by such a fleshy face
A childhood I didn't have to be ashamed of
Tan skin without acne or blemish
A stomach that didn't jiggle even once in a sports bra
A more "put-together" life... less mess, less baggage
Less chaos, more organized, structured, planned out life
A quieter laugh
An overall smaller figure, smaller personality, smaller obnoxiousness, smaller everything


And guess what happened when I lived to complete this list?
I took away every single piece of who I ACTUALLY was. Every factor on this list was about one thing: LESS. Smaller, quieter, littler.

By trying to BE enough, I was becoming nothing.
When I was already EVERYTHING I was supposed to be, I was trying to be SOMETHING by becoming NOTHING.

I hate math almost as much as I hate the ending of the movie "Castaway" (just trust me-- it's a LOT) but I can tell you, that equation just doesn't add up or make logical sense from an objective standpoint.

I was literally living to slowly shrink myself into a mold I was never created to fit inside. I thought BEAUTIFUL was a synonym for SMALLER. I thought LOVABLE meant LESS. Culture even says that "less is more" after all. But is that really true when it comes to who we are?

When God had already made me WHO I was ON PURPOSE, WITH purpose. I didn't have to add on anything or take away anything. I had to EMBRACE everything. Every piece. Every "flaw", every "imperfection". Every culturally unacceptable trait. Every dream. Every joyful outburst in public. Every loud laugh. Every mistake behind me. Every desire to change the world. Every muscle that made my jean size a 12 instead of a 6. Every move across the country. Every shameful memory of my past. Every piece of my personality. Every part of my bone structure. And guess what happened?

My heartbeat was finally free to beat in rhythm with the melody God originally orchestrated it for. It didn't have to play along with someone else's rhythm. It didn't have to harmonize with cultures' melody of "Acceptable". It could finally SING OUT a NEW song that the world had never heard but desperately needed to.  A song freely flowing from a heart beating in sync with it's Songwriter. 

Now the only thing on my "List" is this:

Be.
Breathe.

Friend, please stop trying to make yourself less in order to be more. That false equation has taken your energy and focus for far too long. You'll always be left with more questions instead of an answer. The only equation you were ever made to solve was already solved for you by The Original Mathematician:

Flawed You(-infinity-) + Flawless Jesus(+infinity+) = ZERO flaws to fix or change. Heaven's perfection colliding with Earth's imperfection. A Clean Slate. Room to Create. A heart beat untainted by "not good enough". A soul accepted by Heaven, forever incapable of being rejected by anything or anyone. A melody free to soar out of your chest and dance music notes like footprints throughout the pages your feet tread.

I've gotten so close to the Lord and His voice in this season of my life. He's lovingly unveiled so much of His heart to me as His cherished daughter. After I climbed Pikes Peak (17.2 miles up to 14,100 feet of oxygen-less struggle) and realized the same body that got me to the top was the same body I kept trying to make smaller, I felt the Lord say these words to me:

"Your strength makes you beautiful."

Strength looks different on everyone. Just like beauty does. But does each unique expression of beauty and strength make them any less strong or any less beautiful? Never. It proves our Creator more creative-- more beautiful, more strong. 
A daisy and a rose are both beautiful in different ways. But that is because they do not fight to look like each other. They rest against the breeze and bloom into the flower God created them to be. They don't question if they should have been a tulip. They grow day by day into the exact, perfect, beautiful, unique flower their Maker first destined them to be. Each flower being completely essential to the garden's glory. And no daisy perfectly mirrors another... Because they constantly speak to us a message about beauty: It is the differences that capture our eyes; the unique shapes and colors that create wonder, and the mangled roots that prove even messes and brokenness contain beauty. But despite their differences, they are ALL created and sustained by a Perfect Creator who only creates beautiful things. 
Your worth, purpose and beauty were decided by Your Maker long before you developed a silly "list". 

The darkest parts of the universe need to see your TRUE self. Because when all the "list" is stripped away, a sparkling, shining light can break through the barriers of your chest. Everything we fight relentlessly to change, stop, hide, add to or lessen-- is what we were made to press into and embrace for the world to hear. A captivating symphony reflecting its' Conductor.

As you are right now. Everything about you. Inside and outside.

Stop trying to subtract and add to the beautiful creation that The Creator already decided was GOOD. He slept in peace, pride and JOY over what He created on the 7th day. His heart breaks knowing we lose sleep over what He made-- bashing it with hatred and disgust-- you are allowed to love yourself. The broken pieces too. What you see as unlovable, He sees as opportunity for new instruments in Heaven's symphony.

Be brave enough to embrace yourself. The more that you see yourself for the treasure you truly are, the greater you will see your Father for who He truly is:

Good, beautiful, strong. Creator of all things good, beautiful, strong. 

Proud of you. Proud of what you look like, proud of who you are, proud of your hearts' song. Proud to call you His child.

So in love with your heartbeat's sound that He came down from Heaven to open ears to hear it, free your heart to sing it, and conduct it alongside You every place you go. 


Let your heart sing out. The world is dying to hear your beautiful, strong song.

-Han

Chasing Mystery

It's so funny sometimes when we are convinced God is quiet, but really we are just not trusting in what He already said.

He is so patient. He is so good. He is so detailed in His planning, yet so simple in His instruction. I was reminded this morning of His simplicity while drinking hot coffee and sharing delicious breakfast with a dear, sweet sister of mine:

"It is so simple. He didn't make us to know and plan out the next step; He made us to know Him right now."

He gives us today, and He gives us Himself. We are not promised tomorrow, so why do we agonize over tomorrow's agenda?

We make everything SO complicated when, the entire time, He has made it all so simple. Gods' promises never change, but thankfully, in the process, we do. 

We learn something in the process that we never could discover apart from walking in it. We learn trust, we learn faith, we learn patience, we learn love. We learn how to see with our hearts instead of with our eyes. 

But generally, we immediately assume He has changed His mind or forgotten about us-- we discard His faithfulness, His promises, His instruction, His voice, His leading-- whenever things start to take a turn; whenever things don't add up or seem logical. But when was His path ever supposed to make sense? Supernatural stories require natural situations in need of a miracle. Those moments where something seems completely hopeless, irreversible, & impossible-- God says: "FINALLY! Now it's my turn." 

This journey next to Jesus was supposed to be so ILLOGICAL to the world that His miraculous provision filling in the gaps caused the only logical response of following Him and worshiping Him more. Dare I say that a life without unknown is the most dangerous path a believer could be on. When I read scripture, the only thing that is ever KNOWN and PROMISED is God, what He has promised, and what He decides. As His kids, we are blessed enough to have something unshakable to hold onto in the midst of such a shaking world. But we immediately believe when we feel the shaking underneath our feet that our only source of "known" has failed us as well. But has He really failed? Or have our expectations? His thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways. So why do we constantly try to fit HIS ways into ours? They'll never fit, because they were never meant to. His plans are too big and beautiful and infectiously incredible to squeeze into our limited logic.

God designed our hearts to see things that our human eyes cannot. In fact, our hearts see the clearest by having our eyes closed the tightest. What do we receive through the Holy Spirit? A new HEART or a new set of eyes? Yet, for comfort and affirmation, we often search for signs so our eyes can fully believe our heart's vision.  But God tells us that we need faith, not sight. Faith is vision to the heart. I am not great at this; but I am learning. And He is the best teacher.

Who He is and what He said cannot be taken away. If He told you something, it will come to be. It doesn't matter what seems to be in the way; He is orchestrating a path to it anyway.

But we have to be okay with not knowing or seeing the path to get there... we have to fall in love with the unknown, the process, the journey. The more that I fall in love with the heart of God, the less I am concerned about what is to come. Because He is really all we were ever created to need, know, and do life alongside.

The only thing that shakes our faith and creates worry on the journey is our distrust in His plan. Our circumstances do not invoke panic and fear; rather, we allow them to. Surely, we think we can do it better, get there through a faster or more adequate way, or understand clearer than God. Sounds an awful lot like Eve's thought process too, huh? Our greatest issue of sin is always rooted in doubt. Doubting that what God first declared is best, and believing a different way could be better.


Once I stopped striving to see my future and embraced the step in front of me, all worry deceased. Our job is not to figure out what's next, it is to simply be where we are. Even if that looks terrifying, challenging, impossible, illogical, or irresponsible to the world.

I am learning to BE EXCITED in that mystery; rather than overwhelmed. My soul knows that it is loved and known by my Creator... What do I really have to worry about? Embracing that freely finally allows you to dance where you are. Trust in His timing. He will tell you when to leave and when to stay. Just be close to Him. That's all that's ever mattered.

Falling in love requires mystery, wonder, and discovery. Falling in love with Him, falling in love with your spouse, falling in love with your life, falling in love with His plan, falling in love with the process.

He designed the unknown to be an opportunity for deeper love. It really always, always comes back to love. Many people never experience a love like this because they are too afraid to live a life without mystery. But it is worth the choice to be brave. It is worth the unknown journey. It is worth the unmarked timetables. It is worth the adventure of mystery. Explore places and people and processes with Jesus. The greater the mystery ahead, the deeper the love waiting to be found.

Fall in love with the process, and you'll fall in love with the hand leading you every step of the way...Because the sweet colors He uses to paint the blank spaces will lead you to fall at His feet in thankfulness and wonder. I am reminded day after day it always must come back to Him... Not the path, not the promise, not the worry, not the shaky circumstance, not the struggle, not anything else but Him and His heart. 


Day after day as I walk with Him; in darkness and in light-- I find all the more that He is so worth trusting, friends. He loves you; Let Him show you.

-Han

No Fear in Love

I woke up at 2 am with a stomping heart beat and extreme terror pounding in my chest. I tried to calm myself down, but it kept thumping all the louder.

A loud voice shouted "DON'T GO" and resounded echoes of fear down my spine. The more I fought it, the louder the voice got. 

I thought at first the voice was God warning me not to go on this adventure out west I was leaving for a few hours later. But I couldn't understand why He wouldn't want me to go. And before I knew it, my heart was questioning not only the trip, but who I was, what my life was for, and everything in general. All my confidence, direction, passion, mission, identity was somehow a twisted question instead of a definite answer.

My heart stampeded so hard and loud I got out of my phone to dial 911 because I thought I may be having a heart attack. But then I heard a familiar whisper in the dark room where I laid that I had heard months before:

"You are going to die."

With a heart racing and sweat forming along my forehead, I remembered who told me that six months before-- the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I commanded Satan to leave because Jesus was with me. An unknown voice that causes you to question your worth and your mission in Christ is always from hell, never from God. Simple as that.

I found peace, and laid back down before my 4:17am alarm was set to go off. But I couldn't sleep. Even though I wasn't afraid anymore, my heart was still beating bass notes out my chest. I laid there for about fifteen minutes inhaling deeply and praying Psalm 91 out loud. Finally, I realized it wasn't going to stop. So I said screw this; I'm just gonna get ready and go right now on this trip. You won't let me sleep, Satan? Fine, I'll just go do the very thing you are trying to terrify me out doing. 

I packed up my car early, and pulled out the snowy driveway. The first 20 miles held even more obstacles. I spun out, not one but TWO semis almost ran me off the road, a literal blockade of icy snow about fifty feet high closed the highway off; but I was determined to go forward and not let fear stop me. My heart continued beating like a punching bag, but I realized what was happening.

Just the night before, I wrote a page for my book about the powerlessness of FEAR. How it can never actually STOP you, it can only SCARE you into stopping. And Satan wanted to try and prove me wrong by making FEAR appear powerful enough to change reality. I started to laugh and my fear turned into power as I worshipped my Savior and told Satan who He was. The song "No Fear in Love" played through my speakers and it hit me: 

Perfect LOVE casts out all f e a r... God is PERFECT LOVE. He would never tell His children something by scaring them into it. He doesn't operate that way. Satan operates that way.

I found so much courage in that moment. I told Satan the truth without any doubt this time:

"My Father loves me. He will keep me safe. He is with me and on my side. He defeated you. I will not be shaken. Whatever you are trying to prevent from happening on this trip will happen because I'm not giving up."

Whenever Satan is afraid of what you are about to build in God's kingdom, He will do whatever He can to scare you into giving up so that it doesn't get built. But He can't actually keep you from building it, He can only scare you out of continuing construction.

The next song to play was "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

Tears of victory and joy from heaven filled up the presence of my car... my heartbeat returned to peace, and I sang out in confidence.

There's a war that happens for YOUR soul. Let that prove in itself how AMAZING, full of potential, unstoppable, valuable, and precious YOU are. Only that which is PRICELESS is worth fighting wars over. Otherwise, the Enemy would never work so hard to have you. He knows what earth-changing, dark-destroying, beauty-creating, hope-giving, death-reversing, and life-breathing potential flows through your veins. 

Unseen wars are even more dangerous than those that can be seen. Because they're hidden, you have to open up your heart to find them and to fight them. But the good news is that because of Jesus, you can ALWAYS WIN them. Unseen battles make your circumstances look like the battles. But the true battle always lies underneath your circumstance.

The God of Heaven is on YOUR side. You cannot lose when you are His soldier. Don't let something as powerless as fear have power over you. Refuse to allow fear to scare you into giving up. And that choice is the courage that will lead you into beautiful places with Jesus that you never dreamt to find.

-Han