Losing The List

"If you truly saw me for me-- no make up, no mask-- you wouldn't even want to touch me."

A line from a spoken word I wrote with my own hands. The words fell out out of my lips as my good friends recorded the poem on film inside an abandoned storm cellar. Surrounded by sharp debris, wooden paint chips, rusty forks and spoons, and a lot of nasty mold. As my ruby red lips spoke that line of how I once felt, I felt like a hypocrite.

Because although I have come miles and miles on this journey of accepting myself, the truth is that I still have quite a few more miles to go. The truth is that I still wear a mask most of the time. The truth is that I still feel inadequate in more ways than I can count. The truth is that somewhere between being a fearful, confused little girl and now, I adopted a mental list of what it means to be "lovable".

This "list" was never written on paper and shown to me, or published in a book entitled "How to Be Acceptable"; but, it held a power so strong that it led me into terrible decisions, prisons of addiction, and absolute disgust and hatred for not making myself onto the "list".
Maybe a better way to categorize this "list" is by the following the phrase: "Once I finally have..... BLANK.... everything will be okay, I'll be enough, I will be acceptable, I'll be happy, I can be confident, my husband will find me."

Here's the list of "acceptable" I made for myself:
Thighs that don't touch
Arms without any sort of extra skin resembling fat regardless if I knew it was muscle
Less weird
Hips that were not so damn wide... just some bone structure shaven down please?
A smaller teeth, whiter shade smile
Less seen as super "Jesusy"
Bigger Disney Princess eyes that weren't overtaken by such a fleshy face
A childhood I didn't have to be ashamed of
Tan skin without acne or blemish
A stomach that didn't jiggle even once in a sports bra
A more "put-together" life... less mess, less baggage
Less chaos, more organized, structured, planned out life
A quieter laugh
An overall smaller figure, smaller personality, smaller obnoxiousness, smaller everything


And guess what happened when I lived to complete this list?
I took away every single piece of who I ACTUALLY was. Every factor on this list was about one thing: LESS. Smaller, quieter, littler.

By trying to BE enough, I was becoming nothing.
When I was already EVERYTHING I was supposed to be, I was trying to be SOMETHING by becoming NOTHING.

I hate math almost as much as I hate the ending of the movie "Castaway" (just trust me-- it's a LOT) but I can tell you, that equation just doesn't add up or make logical sense from an objective standpoint.

I was literally living to slowly shrink myself into a mold I was never created to fit inside. I thought BEAUTIFUL was a synonym for SMALLER. I thought LOVABLE meant LESS. Culture even says that "less is more" after all. But is that really true when it comes to who we are?

When God had already made me WHO I was ON PURPOSE, WITH purpose. I didn't have to add on anything or take away anything. I had to EMBRACE everything. Every piece. Every "flaw", every "imperfection". Every culturally unacceptable trait. Every dream. Every joyful outburst in public. Every loud laugh. Every mistake behind me. Every desire to change the world. Every muscle that made my jean size a 12 instead of a 6. Every move across the country. Every shameful memory of my past. Every piece of my personality. Every part of my bone structure. And guess what happened?

My heartbeat was finally free to beat in rhythm with the melody God originally orchestrated it for. It didn't have to play along with someone else's rhythm. It didn't have to harmonize with cultures' melody of "Acceptable". It could finally SING OUT a NEW song that the world had never heard but desperately needed to.  A song freely flowing from a heart beating in sync with it's Songwriter. 

Now the only thing on my "List" is this:

Be.
Breathe.

Friend, please stop trying to make yourself less in order to be more. That false equation has taken your energy and focus for far too long. You'll always be left with more questions instead of an answer. The only equation you were ever made to solve was already solved for you by The Original Mathematician:

Flawed You(-infinity-) + Flawless Jesus(+infinity+) = ZERO flaws to fix or change. Heaven's perfection colliding with Earth's imperfection. A Clean Slate. Room to Create. A heart beat untainted by "not good enough". A soul accepted by Heaven, forever incapable of being rejected by anything or anyone. A melody free to soar out of your chest and dance music notes like footprints throughout the pages your feet tread.

I've gotten so close to the Lord and His voice in this season of my life. He's lovingly unveiled so much of His heart to me as His cherished daughter. After I climbed Pikes Peak (17.2 miles up to 14,100 feet of oxygen-less struggle) and realized the same body that got me to the top was the same body I kept trying to make smaller, I felt the Lord say these words to me:

"Your strength makes you beautiful."

Strength looks different on everyone. Just like beauty does. But does each unique expression of beauty and strength make them any less strong or any less beautiful? Never. It proves our Creator more creative-- more beautiful, more strong. 
A daisy and a rose are both beautiful in different ways. But that is because they do not fight to look like each other. They rest against the breeze and bloom into the flower God created them to be. They don't question if they should have been a tulip. They grow day by day into the exact, perfect, beautiful, unique flower their Maker first destined them to be. Each flower being completely essential to the garden's glory. And no daisy perfectly mirrors another... Because they constantly speak to us a message about beauty: It is the differences that capture our eyes; the unique shapes and colors that create wonder, and the mangled roots that prove even messes and brokenness contain beauty. But despite their differences, they are ALL created and sustained by a Perfect Creator who only creates beautiful things. 
Your worth, purpose and beauty were decided by Your Maker long before you developed a silly "list". 

The darkest parts of the universe need to see your TRUE self. Because when all the "list" is stripped away, a sparkling, shining light can break through the barriers of your chest. Everything we fight relentlessly to change, stop, hide, add to or lessen-- is what we were made to press into and embrace for the world to hear. A captivating symphony reflecting its' Conductor.

As you are right now. Everything about you. Inside and outside.

Stop trying to subtract and add to the beautiful creation that The Creator already decided was GOOD. He slept in peace, pride and JOY over what He created on the 7th day. His heart breaks knowing we lose sleep over what He made-- bashing it with hatred and disgust-- you are allowed to love yourself. The broken pieces too. What you see as unlovable, He sees as opportunity for new instruments in Heaven's symphony.

Be brave enough to embrace yourself. The more that you see yourself for the treasure you truly are, the greater you will see your Father for who He truly is:

Good, beautiful, strong. Creator of all things good, beautiful, strong. 

Proud of you. Proud of what you look like, proud of who you are, proud of your hearts' song. Proud to call you His child.

So in love with your heartbeat's sound that He came down from Heaven to open ears to hear it, free your heart to sing it, and conduct it alongside You every place you go. 


Let your heart sing out. The world is dying to hear your beautiful, strong song.

-Han