Smashing the Clock

Colorado is beautiful. There are always adventures to go on and beautiful places to be enjoyed no matter which direction you turn.

But ultimately, my heart isn't here. I know it's not where I was made to end up. I battle with God every day about it, and have the hardest time accepting the slightest thought of staying in America much longer. But is that what God asks of us? To chase what WE want instead of what HE asks? No.

We are called to surrender our desires to HIS timing. Even when our desires are GOOD and FOR His purpose, His wisdom is greater than ours. Because He doesn't stress about the timing. He knows the circumstances and situations encompassed by the clock far outweigh the importance of the time it reads. The hands point to something greater than numbers. They point to meaning and purpose-- they point back to Him.

During worship yesterday morning, I felt the my stubborn heart fighting His much stronger than usual. Then my favorite song came on: You Make me Brave.
 Dangit.

I knew what He was asking me. He was asking if I would be brave no matter how long He has me here and not where my heart really wants to be. If I would let roots grow and people in and healing happen and purpose shine in all places He takes me-- including here, without an end date. It was a surrender moment. The most painful but pivotal and crucial kind of moment.

We aren't called to say "Yes I will, as long as..."  (it's for this long, I get this, this works out, this happens next, etc)

We are called to say "Yes I will."

 I said yes, even though my feelings didn't coincide. Even though I felt like my purpose was better to be served elsewhere.

But I was reminded that our purpose doesn't end based on location or timing, it starts based on whether or not we are still breathing.


I went into work for my final shift at a job that has been quite the challenge to keep a good attitude about. Suddenly a sweet co-worker who I only worked with one time, came up to the window with a beautiful bouquet of roses and a bag full of gifts and notes.

"Hannah, I could not shake this feeling that I needed to do this for you. You are so special. Your purpose here is so big, and you have inspired me so much with your story and who you are."

As the words came out of her mouth, my heart froze as I tried to think of words to express how perfect and meaningful her gift to me had been.

As I began to share some of the most painful pieces of my story, but even more so, the undeniable beauty that has come from them, I realized something as I watched tears flood down her freckly cheeks from her deep blue eyes:

If I had to be here for 5 years and see this one life be touched and find hope because of it, that's worth it. 

Even if I have to be at a job, in a country, in a storm, or somewhere I don't want to be, God must have me there on purpose. Not to DO something, but to SHOW something to the people He sends my way... His h o p e .  

Shortly after she left, a customer came to the window who sweetly told me about her evening plans that she wasn't looking forward to. I told her maybe a huge blessing would happen that would make it super worth it. We kept talking about life and she went on to tell me that she could see my heart was made to give hope and love hurting people. WHAT? I've known you for two minutes. I obviously gave her free coffee and my contact information. Before she drove away she smiled and said: Thank you. You were my blessing tonight. 

The deepest pains and most hopeless of battles I have fought, the sicknesses that have almost been my end, the weaknesses that used to cripple me into almost nothing--

these are all my foundations of hope and strength... especially for someone else. That which once was my hopelessness is now my greatest example of HOPE.

My past pain feeds my present passion. And the best thing is that God won't leave you purposeless. He won't leave you empty. He knows your heart better than you feel it beating inside your very chest because He crafted every cell and emotion that sustains its' rhythm.

His timing is something that can be trusted, because He can be trusted.

Even if I don't want him to use me where I am, He does anyway. I can't outrun His plan, and I can't escape His purpose.

Even if you find yourself somewhere that is the last place you wanted to be, or maybe just not where you thought you would be by now, God has something for you there. Let Him build your dreams and use you there.

Rather than fighting against your circumstances, embrace them and ride out the adventure and ask what lives you're meant to touch there.

Really, you can live your dream anytime, anywhere, and always.

Take a deep breath, rest your weary heart, and let Him hold you closer than you are trying to hold onto your scheduled future. Let it go so you can finally see the beauty right in front of you.


-Han

Share the Courage

I compliment people a lot.

Some people have yelled at me for it, accused me of insincerity because of it, or told me I look like a freak for doing so to strangers on the street. I used to let their criticism hold me back and tone me down. Until I realized the reason my heart longs to say something positive and uplifting to every person I meet is this:

Because everyone deserves to know they matter. Everyone needs to know they have something beautiful within them. Everyone is hurting and everyone has a story. Against the negative current of society that constantly tells people why they are not good enough and how they can improve, we have the opportunity tell them why they already ARE good enough, and show them somebody actually SEES that. 

The closer I get to God's heart, the more mine starts to see His people through His eyes. Flawed? Yes, but that's not what He looks at. He looks at YOU. The part of you that no one likes to focus on because they're all too busy trying to change it.

Not many people know this about me, but I have a medical condition that keeps my throat from being able to sing clearly,  fully, or for long periods of time. It becomes physically painful and generally ends in a cough attack. It's been a really difficult struggle because my favorite thing in the world to do is worship through singing. While I believe God can and will heal my voice, I also believe that just because my voice is gone, doesn't mean I can't show other people theirs. 

The Lord has put a passion like none other in my heart to give people hope.... That they are loved, that freedom is possible, that they are good enough, and that their identity, value and worth is not found in how others make them feel. But in Jesus who loves them deeper than they can grasp and simply because they were made by His perfect hands. He really does use the most painful parts of our pasts to give someone else a different and brighter future.

When God has freed you from much slavery and death, you can't help but want others in prison and near death to know about the key out.

Do I believe telling someone they are beautiful will change their entire life? No. But could it lead to a deeper conversation or a friendship where you can SHOW them how beautiful God has already made them? Yes. I've seen it happen. And THAT does change lives.

Because once someone finally sees how loved they are just by being themselves and nothing more, they are finally free to live for something bigger than reaching the mark of "good enough" or "lovable". 

You never know what another is walking through. Smiles and "I'm Fine, How are you?"'s are the easiest lie in America. Telling a woman who goes home to an abusive relationship that she is loved and worth more can bring tears like you wouldn't believe. And those are just words. Imagine what SHOWING her those truths could transform inside of her.

The fullest way to live is by showing other people that they matter, rather than trying to make yourself matter. You already matter more than you can ever understand. Just by existing upon this earth, you serve a purpose; but it's your choice to take that purpose or to let it slip away from your fingers.

Embracing your purpose is the harder path, because sacrifice will knock on your door daily, unknown futures will be your best friend, and inconvenience will become the norm. But the hearts you get to watch change, the lives you begin to see find hope, the pieces of Jesus you find along the way, and the truths you learn about how God sees YOU, is totally, absolutely, undoubtedly worth every single second. 

Believe it: You matter. You're loved as you are. You're worth more than what you've been shown by others.

Spread the word, and show others their voice. 

-Han

Questions For Answers

Rain.

Hurricane may be a better way to describe the downpour outside this huge glass window. Something about thunderstorms and rainstorms puts my heart at a slow and steady pace. This is the first day in a long time I have any kind of free time to be STILL-- to just BE.

Even though there are still some major things that need answers, I find peace in this little red booth while looking out at the millions of tiny splashes against the concrete. As I dwell in how far God has taken me, I keep coming back to this to be true:

He will always, ALWAYS, take care of me.

Although His provision doesn't always mirror my request, it ends up filling a multitude of other needs I didn't even know I had. He is a God who goes beyond the extra mile-- who reaches through literal time and space to show how much He loves you.

He teaches while He answers.
His answers sometimes look like more questions. But that's how Jesus always answered people wasn't it? With another question that made them examine their hearts.

I believe the Father operates in the same fashion.

When things seem to be going awry, and we ask Him when things will get better, or why things are not going as planned, or how He will "fix" the situation, rather than answering those questions, He asks US these questions:

"Will you trust me anyway?"
"What do you really believe?"
"Where is your faith?"
"Why are you afraid?"
"Who are you really putting your hope in?"
"What are you really living for?"
"Even in this place, will you believe that I am good?"

Where we want answers, He has questions. It may seem counterproductive, but it's quite the opposite. Our answers to HIS questions will lead us to HIS answer for OUR question. It will force us to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what we truly want.

All of us come to Jesus wanting more FROM Him or more OF Him.
His questions reposition our hearts of "from" to "of"'. Because He knows the only answer we really need is more of Himself. Not a better spouse or a better job or a nicer house or a bigger paycheck or a set plan for our future. All others answers will leave us empty and raise more questions.

I did the Incline with a few friends a couple of nights ago. Every time I climb the oxygen-sucking and muscle-burning steps, I find new life parallels to the exhausting adventure. This time, the weather was super strange. It was one giant foggy cloud all around us and we couldn't see more than ten feet in front of us. This became extremely frustrating about halfway through because we wanted to know how much further we had until the top. But it ended up getting even cloudier and harder to see the farther up we climbed.

Then I realized how much that was like God's journey for us. He knows if we could SEE the top--how far we had to go, or what we would have to overcome, we would be completely overwhelmed and ready to give up. He only shows us what He knows we need in the moment. Because each step makes us stronger and equips us for the next to come. 

And each step is part of His plan to get us closer to the top. Each step is it's own battle to be overcome. The fog will clear as we move forward, but our faith is what will keep us going.

Each step is a new choice to worry, or to trust. Worry has always proved useless. Don't get me wrong, I do it every time an answer is not there; but God ALWAYS, always comes through. Every time.

Rather than filling that in between with worry and fear and doubt, God asks us to fill it with FAITH.

He asks us to answer HIM about our disbelief and doubt.

You will get there if you keep climbing one way or another. He is there if you stumble, and He won't let you fall. 

Even when the fog is at it's thickest, He is still at His brightest. He only does what He knows will best get you where you are meant to be... closer to His heart and nearer to your purpose.

1 Corinthians 13:7
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, never loses hope, and always endures through every circumstance."

Because God IS love, He is ALL that love encompasses. He never gives up on you, never loses faith in you, never loses hope in you, and will help you endure through every circumstance. 

You are His child, and your name is now Love. You never have to give up, lose faith, or lose hope. You can always endure through every circumstance, every step, and every unanswered question.  Because Love is in you, Love is with you, Love is holding you, Love is waiting for you at the top, Love is leading you and Love will never quit on you.

-Han

"This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing. Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—"

Romans 4:17-18




   

Just Ask Him

I asked God before Church to speak something clearly to me during worship. He always knows exactly what I need to hear. And it's never what or how I think He will speak.

As I sat there and sang to Him, my eyes were closed and my arms were open. Worship and Peace flowing throughout the other. Suddenly I let out a startled gasp when someone gently grabbed my arm. It was my new friend Rae who I had met just about an hour earlier. The only thing she knew about me was my name and that I was from Ohio.

She had walked from one end of the room to the other just to say:

"Hannah, The Holy Spirit just told me something about you. As I looked up and saw your arms reaching out, while you worshiped, I saw how big your heart was; and that God made your arms just as big as your heart. Your arms were made to reach around countless children who need hope and love. You were made to be a mother to many. Whatever dream God has promised you, it WILL come to pass. I don't know if that means something to you, but I had to tell you."


Ensue the tears. When God answers THAT clearly, there's not much else you can do but just burst out in joyful laughter.

How else could she know that about me? That my biggest dream is to rescue children and show them hope and love? Because God told her. I held so tightly to His clear and undeniable promise as I continued to worship with tears of joy streaming down my sunburned cheeks.

But He wasn't done yet.

The Pastor set up a time for us to ask God what He thought about us. Because I have deep scars and wounds in this area from other people, I was hesitant to ask. What if I didn't hear anything and my painful fears got pounded deeper into my heart? But I did it anyway, and rather than hearing an answer, my blackened, shut eyelids immediately saw this:

The last picture I took of the sunset from the night prior. One of the pinkest, fluffiest, most beautiful cloudy skies I had ever seen. I couldn't get the image off my brain, and then all the pictures I've ever taken of a sunset started to flood my memory. I was like Jesus, no, haha, I want to know what you think about ME.

Then the clearest voice hit my heart:

"That IS what I think of when I think of you. I see a sunset."

More tears. Every sunset has always spoken to my heart in a special way. I've always felt loved through the dripping pinks and purples, and I've always felt held by the beauty bursting from the warm orange sunshine. If you follow me on Instagram, you know about my obsession with sunsets.

After that sweet voice and answer given to me by the painter of each sunset, He decided to make sure I believed it. A different girl named Jen who I had just met from across the room walked up to me, hugged me, and said:
"I just feel like I need to tell you that Jesus is so PROUD of all of your pictures that you post on Instagram". 

She had no clue why she told me that. But my eyes lit up with joy and I burst into laughter. What does my Instagram feed consist of?

Sunsets. 

Not only does Jesus look at me and see a sunset, but he's PROUD of what He sees?

Wow.

It's extremely hard to accept that if you've been scarred and been told and shown otherwise. That you're nothing more than a gross, unlovable and worthless human being. I don't know what your past looks like, or what lies you've believed. But I promise you that Jesus wants to PROVE to you that you ARE WORTH loving-- because you are His child-- and you captivate Him more than anything upon this Earth.

God will stop at nothing to prove his faithfulness to you and remind you who you are. Let Him catch up to you. I challenge you to ask Him what He thinks when He thinks of you. It might just surprise you or change your entire life.

Because when you know what HE thinks, what others think stops being so important to you. Their brands and opinions and abuse no longer speak your worth. Their inability to protect you, love you, or cherish you no longer measure your ability to be protected, loved or cherished. God's arms are endless, his love has no bounds, and his beautiful thoughts about you are greater than the stars in the sky.

Because when He looks at you who are His child, He sees NO dirt, NO stains, NO sin, NO hopelessness, NO screw-up, NO stamp of being unlovable, NO imperfection...
 He sees something beautiful-- something worth dying for-- something worth treasuring-- something worth holding-- something worth keeping safe--something worth loving-- something SO MUCH MORE than typical-- something with worth beyond measure-- something He will stop at absolutely nothing to know. 

Not just someTHING, but someONE. Someone with a NAME. That name is Daughter. That name is Son. You.

Let Him love you. You are worth it.
If you don't take my word for it, ask Him; and take His.

-Han

Why Fear Fears You

All week long, the fear Satan has been using to destroy me, God is using to teach me and strengthen me. 

As I've been undeniably confronted with spiritual warfare, I am learning how much it effects what we do, how we feel about ourselves, our choices, our beliefs, and especially our faith. 

Satan only has one tactic in taking us down, and it's this:

F E A R

Whatever fear is greatest in your heart, He will attack until you believe the lie that it's real. He just has to make you believe it, and you will naturally do the rest... 

You'll stop believing in your dream, you'll completely hate yourself, you'll believe you are worthless, you'll believe you are not good enough, you'll convince yourself that your faith is good enough where it is, you'll believe you will always be trapped in this addiction, you'll believe you are a failure and will always be, you'll drown in your own apathy, you'll completely give up, etc.

He comes to kill, steal, and destroy.

Kill your dreams, steal your joy, and destroy your future.

And once you believe the lie, you will destroy your own dreams, steal your own joy, and kill your future.

But here is the best news:

Fear is literally POWERLESS.

It can't touch you, it can't hurt you, it can't stop you. 

Fear can only make you FEEL defeated, it can NOT defeat you.

Defeat is your choice. Standing against those feelings is your choice.

There is indeed a war being waged against our very souls. And so many people think being passive is the answer. If you did that in a real war, you would lose in an instant. The great thing about THIS war is that we already know who wins. But Satan will stop at nothing to convince you that you have lost. We're called to fight just the same. 

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never overcome it". John 1:5

Think about the sunshine that brings light to the entire world. If you are trapped inside a pitch black room that's 8' by 8'... you will FEEL like darkness is the only thing that exists; your instinct will be to totally forget about the sun and only focus on the blackness surrounding you. But does that ONE dark room take away the Sun that is brightly shining outside? Of course not.

When Satan puts you in a dark room, remind Him of the Son as you walk out.

He will whisper everything your heart is terrified MIGHT BE true of you; but instead of accepting it, you scream everything that IS true of you.

You are LOVED

You are ENOUGH

You are NEW

You are SAFE

You are FREE

You are CLEANSED

You are RIGHTEOUS BY FAITH

You are MADE FOR MORE

You are HELD

You are BRAVE

You are NEVER ALONE

This is why memorizing Scripture and what GOD says about you is essential. 

Remember, you don't have to be afraid. His fear can't touch you, your soul, or your heart. It may effect your emotions, but it will never effect the Truth about who you are. 

Don't fear fear. Because once you fight with The Lord of Heaven's Armies on your side, fear will fear YOU.

Just because the feeling of fear may not vanish right away, does NOT mean the Truth has vanished. It means Satan is trying to get you to give up. Do not give up your victory. Claim it until HE runs the other direction terrified. 

Because the power IN you is greater than the power cast UPON you.
God has GIVEN us a spirit of courage, Satan only can make us FEEL like we have a spirit of fear.

This whole concept has completely changed the way I see who I am, temptation that comes my way, and fear that knocks on my door. Now when I hear the voice of the Enemy, I know it's HIM and it's not me. I know it's not Truth. I know I don't have to be afraid. I know fear is a lie and just a feeling, and God has made me brave. 

It doesn't mean I'll never be afraid, it just means I never have to let that fear effect me.

It pushes me to fight with everything for the Truth that God established on that Cross. Because Satan attacks the strongest against God's strongest warriors. If you never experience any kind of lie, fear, or oppression from Him, you are right where He wants you. You are cozy enough in your sin or your lifestyle that He doesn't even have to do anything else. Because you've believed every lie on your own. Break FREE. Find out what God says about you. Believe that ANYTHING is possible because of the power living inside you. 

Next time Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy your dreams, joy and future, remind Him of His past defeat and future destruction.

Don't let fear stop you, let it strengthen you. Let it push you closer to God's strong arm that rescues and gives courage. Let it equip you to be a stronger warrior. Let it push you closer to your dreams as you realize the potential Satan sees in you literally terrifies him so much that He will do His best to terrify you out of it. Let it be nothing more than a feeling, and nothing more than a lie. 

Refuse to let ONE DARK ROOM take away from the power and presence of the Sun. Jesus is fighting on your behalf, beside you, behind you, with you, and FOR you. The Son is still shining, and the same power that defeated sin and death, lives in you to defeat EVERY single fear.

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37

But in that coming day, no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken! -Isaiah 54:17

-Han

 ALL of Psalm 18.

 16He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
18They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
    but the Lord supported me.
¹⁹ He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.
28You light a lamp for me.
    The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.
²⁹ In your strength I can crush an army;
    with my God I can scale any wall.

³⁰ God’s way is perfect.
    All the Lord’s promises prove true.
    He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
³² God arms me with strength,
    and he makes my way perfect.
³⁵ You have given me your shield of victory.
    Your right hand supports me;
    your help has made me great.

³⁷ I chased my enemies and caught them;
    I did not stop until they were conquered.