Smashing the Clock

Colorado is beautiful. There are always adventures to go on and beautiful places to be enjoyed no matter which direction you turn.

But ultimately, my heart isn't here. I know it's not where I was made to end up. I battle with God every day about it, and have the hardest time accepting the slightest thought of staying in America much longer. But is that what God asks of us? To chase what WE want instead of what HE asks? No.

We are called to surrender our desires to HIS timing. Even when our desires are GOOD and FOR His purpose, His wisdom is greater than ours. Because He doesn't stress about the timing. He knows the circumstances and situations encompassed by the clock far outweigh the importance of the time it reads. The hands point to something greater than numbers. They point to meaning and purpose-- they point back to Him.

During worship yesterday morning, I felt the my stubborn heart fighting His much stronger than usual. Then my favorite song came on: You Make me Brave.
 Dangit.

I knew what He was asking me. He was asking if I would be brave no matter how long He has me here and not where my heart really wants to be. If I would let roots grow and people in and healing happen and purpose shine in all places He takes me-- including here, without an end date. It was a surrender moment. The most painful but pivotal and crucial kind of moment.

We aren't called to say "Yes I will, as long as..."  (it's for this long, I get this, this works out, this happens next, etc)

We are called to say "Yes I will."

 I said yes, even though my feelings didn't coincide. Even though I felt like my purpose was better to be served elsewhere.

But I was reminded that our purpose doesn't end based on location or timing, it starts based on whether or not we are still breathing.


I went into work for my final shift at a job that has been quite the challenge to keep a good attitude about. Suddenly a sweet co-worker who I only worked with one time, came up to the window with a beautiful bouquet of roses and a bag full of gifts and notes.

"Hannah, I could not shake this feeling that I needed to do this for you. You are so special. Your purpose here is so big, and you have inspired me so much with your story and who you are."

As the words came out of her mouth, my heart froze as I tried to think of words to express how perfect and meaningful her gift to me had been.

As I began to share some of the most painful pieces of my story, but even more so, the undeniable beauty that has come from them, I realized something as I watched tears flood down her freckly cheeks from her deep blue eyes:

If I had to be here for 5 years and see this one life be touched and find hope because of it, that's worth it. 

Even if I have to be at a job, in a country, in a storm, or somewhere I don't want to be, God must have me there on purpose. Not to DO something, but to SHOW something to the people He sends my way... His h o p e .  

Shortly after she left, a customer came to the window who sweetly told me about her evening plans that she wasn't looking forward to. I told her maybe a huge blessing would happen that would make it super worth it. We kept talking about life and she went on to tell me that she could see my heart was made to give hope and love hurting people. WHAT? I've known you for two minutes. I obviously gave her free coffee and my contact information. Before she drove away she smiled and said: Thank you. You were my blessing tonight. 

The deepest pains and most hopeless of battles I have fought, the sicknesses that have almost been my end, the weaknesses that used to cripple me into almost nothing--

these are all my foundations of hope and strength... especially for someone else. That which once was my hopelessness is now my greatest example of HOPE.

My past pain feeds my present passion. And the best thing is that God won't leave you purposeless. He won't leave you empty. He knows your heart better than you feel it beating inside your very chest because He crafted every cell and emotion that sustains its' rhythm.

His timing is something that can be trusted, because He can be trusted.

Even if I don't want him to use me where I am, He does anyway. I can't outrun His plan, and I can't escape His purpose.

Even if you find yourself somewhere that is the last place you wanted to be, or maybe just not where you thought you would be by now, God has something for you there. Let Him build your dreams and use you there.

Rather than fighting against your circumstances, embrace them and ride out the adventure and ask what lives you're meant to touch there.

Really, you can live your dream anytime, anywhere, and always.

Take a deep breath, rest your weary heart, and let Him hold you closer than you are trying to hold onto your scheduled future. Let it go so you can finally see the beauty right in front of you.


-Han