I haven't written in awhile. Well, I should clarify; I haven't written HERE in awhile. That's because I have started a new adventure that's totally changed my life and helped me find some new wings.
I'm writing a book.
The Lord is SO faithful to lead us into beautiful adventures from dark valleys.
I wake up two hours early every morning before work and with delicious cinnamon & honey coffee in hand, I ask Him to speak to my heart as I write it down and listen. This simple practice that first began as an accident of praying in poetry, has now turned into an entirely new window looking into Jesus and His heart.
I wanted to share some wonderfully sweet lessons this adventure has taught me so far:
1. When you allot specific time for The Lord to speak, HE SHOWS UP LOUDLY. I find myself being so excited for my 5 am alarms that I have trouble falling asleep the night before. I am giddy and anxious for what He will whisper into my small, human heart before the sun even comes up.
2. The passions, talents, gifts, and loves that we harbor are FROM HIM and are HIS intention for our purpose. Basically, He wants us to BE HAPPY. He loves us to love the moments within our days. If you LOVE to paint, then PAINT. But paint WITH Him. Invite Him into your joy and passion. Handing over control into His hands as you chase the things you love will land you in the middle of your purpose.
3. Some of the holiest words you can say are "Goodbye" and "Screw you". Now hang on a minute with me here. The easiest way that The Enemy can keep you from your purpose are these two things: Complacency & Fear. DO NOT STAY THERE. Keeping relationships, addictions, actions, and habits in your life or in the dark will always keep you weighed down and distracted from the race meant for your feet to run. Be brave enough to say goodbye, and really mean it... to let it go, let them go, and trust the Lord to fill the void. He will. He'll overflow it more in one moment than they or it could after a thousand tries.
Fear of failure, fear of others' rejection, fear of man's opinion. Fear is not from The Father. Often times, against the real and enormous feeling of "WHAT IF THIS FAILS or WHAT WILL THEY THINK", it is best to combat this with a loud and stern "SCREW YOU". This has brought freedom to me as silly as it sounds. You don't need to listen to fear, you need to listen to Jesus. You were given permission to be brave the moment you were given His Spirit. Doing the brave thing even if you feel like shutting down from fear is still being brave. The point is that you're doing it, not what you feel as you do so.
4. As I so intentionally chase Jesus and simultaneously chase my dreams, I have watched so many other struggles of mine fade away. They're not on my mind like before. Jesus rules my thoughts the more I give Him the space to do so.
5. True LOVE makes you dance. And laugh. And skip down the street. And wake up in the middle of the night in tears of gratitude. True love given to you with absolutely no restraint or hesitation changes you. Falling in love breeds joy. And God is not just a thought, He is a being who created YOU for the sole purpose of falling in love with you.
6. A page a day keeps all the fear away. Hehe, but really though. I ask Jesus every morning to give me just one page of truth and without fail, He does. Sometimes, it's short and simple and sweet. Sometimes He gives me 26 pages in one day. But each page brings tears as it comes from His heartbeat into mine.
7. He is faithful, He is faithful, He is faithful. I am left speechless after He speaks.
8. Worship looks differently to everyone because everyone is different. Writing is how I worship. Dancing is how I worship. Singing is how I worship. Praying is how I worship. Blessing others is how I worship.
9. YOLO. You literally only have one life here on this dying, temporary earth. So why in the world would you ever live for someone else's approval or opinion? ITS TIME TO DO YOU. And screw what the world has to say about it.
10. I need to be willing to accept His words even when I don't want them. If you hear something so clearly from The Lord, you can't UNhear it. You can't go back. That promise will never leave your heart. The closer I get to His voice, the more things I will hear that make me tense up and grit my teeth. THAT?? You want me to DO THAT? GO THERE? GIVE UP THAT? SAY THAT? It's about blindly saying "yes" when your instinct shouts "NO". Although He leads me into uncertainty, His hand holding onto me is more certain than anything else I could ever put my hope upon. I can trust Him. He is so faithful. He knows my heart better than even I do. He created it, and knows every single cell that sustains its' life.
Often fear will sneak it's way into my thoughts and The Enemy schemes in breeding doubt within my heart. But I am learning I don't have to let fear dictate my life anymore. That would make me a slave. And I am so much more than a slave now, I'm a warrior. And even in my unbelief, The Lord is so faithful to gently remind me of His truth.
I was super burnt out at work on Friday. Exhausted, sleep-deprived, drained, and full of doubt. About fifteen minutes before I was to finally go home, an older lady with silky long white hair and a kitty-covered Christmas sweater who I had spoken maybe ten words to earlier that morning re-approached the counter. She said something that took me way back: "I suspect and see something in you".
Whoah. I was weirded out at first. Then her next words brought me to tears:
"You were created with two hands made to write. You were given this gift for a reason and need to pursue it. Don't back down."
Holy freaking crap. She disappeared before I could ask her who she was and how she knew, but that carried me high above my disbelief. The Lord loves and cares enough to send me a complete stranger to speak that out loud and destroy fear. That doesn't just happen.
He loves you. He loves you so much. Let Him meet you where you are. In your mess, in your dream, in the middle of what you love, in the middle of what you're ashamed of, in the middle of your fear.
He is waiting.
He is there.
He is worth it.
He thinks you're worth it too.
He is Jesus--
God with us, God beside us, God next to us. Through it all, God with us.
-Han
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
f o g delay
It's there. It's real.
The image I've been asking for, craving so intensely, and desperately hoping to exist. Others could see it all around me; but my eyes were unable to fully find it.
Because fog creates confusion and makes it hard to breathe. But the more that I chase Jesus, the clearer I can see.
It's there. It's real. It's dancing in circles around my heart and making me laugh out loud. Precious hope and freedom; oh how beautiful the sound.
If I could paint it in a picture, it would look like the most beautiful burst of sunlight in the darkest cave ever to exist. A beaming orange light from the sky that lands upon your skin and causes warmth that you never want to quit. A ray that echoes hope as it stretches through the darkness. A perfect, sparkling line reaching down from heaven like a shooting star into a seemingly hopeless blackened sky.
It's there. It's real.
And something I am learning as I look it in the eye over and over again is that it was never absent or stolen. I just couldn't see it. It was always there and it was always real. It was just too foggy to find and feel.
Fog is made of pain and doubt. It's swirled up by addiction and anger. It is made thick by abuse behind you. It flares up and multiplies around fear. It's goal is to keep us trapped and keep us off course. It blinds us.
But it can't last forever. It may last a long, long time, but never forever. And as we relentlessly hold tightly to our Father up in heaven, He will slowly blow it all away. Every single molecule composed of fear and pain, He will evaporate into nothing but vivid skies and bright, beautiful sunny days.
That's His favorite thing to do for His children. Proven by our sins composed of scarlet, and His ability to make us white as snow.
Fog never changes or steals what it encapsulates; it only covers it up.
But we have to invite Him in. We have to be honest about the fog-- that we cannot see and we need help. That there are things lurking in the fog that terrify us, things that we are ashamed of, things we need to overcome. He is not afraid to enter into the fog-- because He loves us. He wants to walk right into it with You and embrace you first, then blow it all away as He holds you closely. So that finally, as it dissipates and the clouded crevices clear, you can see it in the middle of the room.
You both can gaze upon it together time and time again and stare it in the face from every angle and perspective... You can add to it together and paint it even brighter and more beautiful... You both can bring others out of the fog they are swimming in afraid it will never clear; and you can show them what is there waiting to be found:
F r e e d o m.
You don't have to be lost any longer; you are worth being found. You are worth being freed. He is waiting to hold your hand and scatter every ounce of fog that causes confusion and keeps you frozen where you are.
New things anxiously await your troubled heart. But first you must be brave enough to start.
"It is finished; It is done. Though our sins are scarlet, You have made us white as snow."
-Han
The image I've been asking for, craving so intensely, and desperately hoping to exist. Others could see it all around me; but my eyes were unable to fully find it.
Because fog creates confusion and makes it hard to breathe. But the more that I chase Jesus, the clearer I can see.
It's there. It's real. It's dancing in circles around my heart and making me laugh out loud. Precious hope and freedom; oh how beautiful the sound.
If I could paint it in a picture, it would look like the most beautiful burst of sunlight in the darkest cave ever to exist. A beaming orange light from the sky that lands upon your skin and causes warmth that you never want to quit. A ray that echoes hope as it stretches through the darkness. A perfect, sparkling line reaching down from heaven like a shooting star into a seemingly hopeless blackened sky.
It's there. It's real.
And something I am learning as I look it in the eye over and over again is that it was never absent or stolen. I just couldn't see it. It was always there and it was always real. It was just too foggy to find and feel.
Fog is made of pain and doubt. It's swirled up by addiction and anger. It is made thick by abuse behind you. It flares up and multiplies around fear. It's goal is to keep us trapped and keep us off course. It blinds us.
But it can't last forever. It may last a long, long time, but never forever. And as we relentlessly hold tightly to our Father up in heaven, He will slowly blow it all away. Every single molecule composed of fear and pain, He will evaporate into nothing but vivid skies and bright, beautiful sunny days.
That's His favorite thing to do for His children. Proven by our sins composed of scarlet, and His ability to make us white as snow.
Fog never changes or steals what it encapsulates; it only covers it up.
But we have to invite Him in. We have to be honest about the fog-- that we cannot see and we need help. That there are things lurking in the fog that terrify us, things that we are ashamed of, things we need to overcome. He is not afraid to enter into the fog-- because He loves us. He wants to walk right into it with You and embrace you first, then blow it all away as He holds you closely. So that finally, as it dissipates and the clouded crevices clear, you can see it in the middle of the room.
You both can gaze upon it together time and time again and stare it in the face from every angle and perspective... You can add to it together and paint it even brighter and more beautiful... You both can bring others out of the fog they are swimming in afraid it will never clear; and you can show them what is there waiting to be found:
F r e e d o m.
You don't have to be lost any longer; you are worth being found. You are worth being freed. He is waiting to hold your hand and scatter every ounce of fog that causes confusion and keeps you frozen where you are.
New things anxiously await your troubled heart. But first you must be brave enough to start.
"It is finished; It is done. Though our sins are scarlet, You have made us white as snow."
-Han
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Perfect Papa
I used to think "childlike faith" meant being a Christian with endless energy and spunky zeal. Like a seemingly battery charged kindergartner on the monkey bars.
But God is teaching me that is not so much the case at all. It's as simple as it sounds. Approaching our Father like a child. But a fearless child who knows their Father is incapable of letting them down or disappointing their thirsty heart.
Psalm 116:1-2
"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."
One of my all time favorite Psalms. As I read it this gorgeous, frosty Sunday morning with my pumpkin tainted coffee in hand, I saw a picture exhaled from the words I inhaled.
She is beautiful. A seven year old princess who loves tutus and fairy tales and cheerios with chocolate milk. Her father works all day long and when He comes home for dinner, he spends every other bite of spaghetti checking emails about the office tomorrow. He is constantly working-- constantly doing everything a "dad" is expected to do other than BEING one. She loves to dance and spins relentlessly in front of him hoping he will see her twirl, until she falls over in a dizzy spell. But she is ignored and overlooked by the small device in his hand. She jumps up on his lap to whisper him a secret and he utters words that she hears every single night: "Not right now, Daddy's working." Embarrassed for trying and disappointed by rejection, she stops asking. She stops whispering secrets, and she stops dancing. She is taught that a small rectangle piece of technology with words and pictures matters more than she does. That the people Daddy repeatedly chooses over her must be worth more than she is. Of course she is thankful He provides food for her belly and a place to sleep, but more than that she wants to win his attention and affection. So she thinks she must need to change who she is; and she searches somewhere else.
But a perfect Father up in heaven hears her crying. And He searches for HER. He's won her affection, instead of the other way around. He bends down and leans low from the wonders of heaven and the glory of His Kingdom just to hear her whisper secrets in His ear. He never tires of putting meetings on hold or missing important calls or pausing all of heaven just to hear what His daughter has to say. His job is more taxing than anyones' on earth: sustaining every living thing, holding together the universe, painting the sunsets, and reigning over all of Heaven are just a few of his duties.
And still, He takes the time to watch His daughter dance. He delights in listening to the smallest pieces of her heart and gently melting away all the worries in her soul. He will always be the Perfect Father. He will never disappoint His children. He always knows best. He always pushes for more. He always does best. He always loves best. And because of this, she doesn't need to search any longer. For she has found the One who delights in her-- the One who loves her, knows her, fights for her, and accepts her like her soul has craved from birth.
When we approach God in THAT way, this is childlike faith. Knowing He will only ever love us as a perfect Father would. Knowing He will ALWAYS hear us and listen and hold us close. Knowing His lap is always waiting for our tired hearts. Knowing He is a shelter for us when we face danger. Knowing our Daddy will never be too busy to hear about our long day or laugh at our stupid jokes. Knowing His agenda is constantly overflowing with sustaining the earth and raising the sun each and every morning, yet His LOVE for His children outweighs his "to-do" list.
It may not be an earthly Father who has spoken this message into your heart that you don't matter enough to be heard or fought for... It may be someone else, or even a slew of people. But if you find yourself searching for someone or something to finally show you that you're worth it-- to finally love you for who you are-- I know of a Daddy who is constantly adopting souls like yours into His family. And He will never disappoint His children or abandon them. It's literally impossible for a Perfect Father to let down His sons and daughters.
And because He will always bend down to listen, I will walk with Him as long as He sustains my breath. He never tires of bending over through the clouds of glory into this broken world to look into my small and tired eyes; just so He can smile at me and whisper:
"I heard you calling. I'm here for you."
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Monday Moments
I don't think I will ever forget that Monday morning.
The unexpected words my 10 year old heart heard from my moms' shaky lips made me gasp for air. The world spun in blurry circles and all I know is that after she spoke, I no longer had a place to call home.
A decade later, and some days I remember that day more than others. Some days I wonder if that Monday never happened, if things would all be different. I used to wish God would just erase that Monday from all of History and thought somehow that would make it all better.
But now I know that even on that day, He was holding me. He had His arms wrapped so tightly around my heart, and cried with me as my world slowly fell apart. I look back to that small room with navy walls where I stood and see Him squeezing me so lovingly and relentlessly whispering, "Just hold on baby girl. I am never going to let you go."
That Monday led to numerous other "Monday Moments". Moments of such life-altering and earth-shattering pain that even as a 10 year old, caused fear of how in the world I would make it to Tuesday.
The Lord is showing me right now what a P R O C E S S this life with Him is. Something foreign to a society like ours where we do everything we can to speed up the process, get around the process, and even look down on those who get "stuck" in the process.
But He's showing me that it's actually what He is all about. His patience, love, and purpose in the process suddenly makes it not so scary anymore-- it actually begins to look beautiful....
A patient Father, walking hand in hand with His daughter down an unknown path.
Some steps are full of dancing, laughter and joy.
Some steps are full of pain, tears, and gasps for air.
Some steps are full of fog, confusion, and countless 'why's.
Some steps are covered in captivating, autumn rainbow leaves, and some are soaked with muddy rocks and twigs.
But never, ever will your foot land on a step that He is still not holding your hand.
He refuses to let it go. Because He L O V E S you. He loves you so much that He left Heaven to walk that path WITH you.
Engraved all throughout Creation is evidence of this process. Time, Patience, Growth, Newness & Beauty. Over and Over.
It is not because He wants us to suffer or ache or feel "stuck". It's because He wants time with you to prove His patience, grow your faith, and show even more of the new and beautiful LOVE He has for you-- His child.
Some steps within the process are so painful it is easy to get angry with the One leading you. But He is showing me He NEVER causes pain to His children. A good Father would never hurt His kids and a PERFECT Father could never even entertain the thought. Everything painful comes from the broken world of sin and Satan that we are living in.
But He knows the process is necessary. It pushes us closer to Him, it redirects our journey to the One our soul was created to be addicted to, it strengthens our faith, it brings beauty from our ashes, it transforms us.
Often we deem God as being responsible for our pain, when the reality is He hates when His children are hurting and is going to turn those tears of ash into something beautiful and redeem it. He wants to dance on Satan's grave with you and declare that what Satan meant to destroy, God has transformed for life.
The process is a melody sung over us day after day. A never ending masterpiece composed by our Father. Peace being the rhythm and the bass booming from His heartbeat. Lyrics new and more beautiful every day. Logic outweighed by LOVE. "I love you and will never stop. Just hold on baby girl. I will never let you go."
And sometimes when the painful pieces of the process land beneath my feet, I'm tempted to pull my hand away from His to write my own song. But even if I try, He won't allow it. He knows I need Him more than I want the pain to go away. He knows we'll make it through. He squeezes my trembling hand time and time again and sings, "Just hold on baby girl. I'll never let you go."
So often as we walk with Him, our hearts constantly ask "what if" about anything and everything in between.
What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
What if I fall down?
But faith is declaring "EVEN IF" rather than asking "what if".
Even if I can't do it, You can.
Even if I fail, God never will.
Even if I fall down, God will never let me go.
Believing even if healing doesn't come when you asked it to, He is still a Perfect Healer.
Believing even if something doesn't turn out like you had planned, He is still a Perfect Leader.
Believing even if someone hurts you that was meant to protect you, He is still a Perfect Protector.
Believing even if you feel lost in a fog of your pain and circumstance, He is still a Perfect Father.
Because my faith isn't based on EXPERIENCE, it's based on His Spirit living within me.
Because although the process may sometimes bring steps you never imagined you could walk onto, the hand locked between your fingers will bring a peace and fearlessness you never imagined could belong to you.
That is the melody He sings and whispers over you. That is the hope He will never stop extending.
I'm not afraid of the process anymore. Because His song is greater than the storm. His hope reigns louder than the pain. His hand is stronger than the fists against me.
His love drives me to overcome crazy things my 10 year old heart never imagined it ever could. His hand in mine leads me to be so brave I can't believe it's really me. His constant song propels me to others in their Monday Moments and sing the same song in their ear as I hold them close: "Just hold on. I'm never going to let you go."
So here's to embracing the process, squeezing His hand constantly wrapped around mine, listening to the song of peace He is always singing, and trusting Him every step of the way.
Because you were created to be fearless, and no Monday can ever steal that away from you.
-Han
The unexpected words my 10 year old heart heard from my moms' shaky lips made me gasp for air. The world spun in blurry circles and all I know is that after she spoke, I no longer had a place to call home.
A decade later, and some days I remember that day more than others. Some days I wonder if that Monday never happened, if things would all be different. I used to wish God would just erase that Monday from all of History and thought somehow that would make it all better.
But now I know that even on that day, He was holding me. He had His arms wrapped so tightly around my heart, and cried with me as my world slowly fell apart. I look back to that small room with navy walls where I stood and see Him squeezing me so lovingly and relentlessly whispering, "Just hold on baby girl. I am never going to let you go."
That Monday led to numerous other "Monday Moments". Moments of such life-altering and earth-shattering pain that even as a 10 year old, caused fear of how in the world I would make it to Tuesday.
The Lord is showing me right now what a P R O C E S S this life with Him is. Something foreign to a society like ours where we do everything we can to speed up the process, get around the process, and even look down on those who get "stuck" in the process.
But He's showing me that it's actually what He is all about. His patience, love, and purpose in the process suddenly makes it not so scary anymore-- it actually begins to look beautiful....
A patient Father, walking hand in hand with His daughter down an unknown path.
Some steps are full of dancing, laughter and joy.
Some steps are full of pain, tears, and gasps for air.
Some steps are full of fog, confusion, and countless 'why's.
Some steps are covered in captivating, autumn rainbow leaves, and some are soaked with muddy rocks and twigs.
But never, ever will your foot land on a step that He is still not holding your hand.
He refuses to let it go. Because He L O V E S you. He loves you so much that He left Heaven to walk that path WITH you.
Engraved all throughout Creation is evidence of this process. Time, Patience, Growth, Newness & Beauty. Over and Over.
It is not because He wants us to suffer or ache or feel "stuck". It's because He wants time with you to prove His patience, grow your faith, and show even more of the new and beautiful LOVE He has for you-- His child.
Some steps within the process are so painful it is easy to get angry with the One leading you. But He is showing me He NEVER causes pain to His children. A good Father would never hurt His kids and a PERFECT Father could never even entertain the thought. Everything painful comes from the broken world of sin and Satan that we are living in.
But He knows the process is necessary. It pushes us closer to Him, it redirects our journey to the One our soul was created to be addicted to, it strengthens our faith, it brings beauty from our ashes, it transforms us.
Often we deem God as being responsible for our pain, when the reality is He hates when His children are hurting and is going to turn those tears of ash into something beautiful and redeem it. He wants to dance on Satan's grave with you and declare that what Satan meant to destroy, God has transformed for life.
The process is a melody sung over us day after day. A never ending masterpiece composed by our Father. Peace being the rhythm and the bass booming from His heartbeat. Lyrics new and more beautiful every day. Logic outweighed by LOVE. "I love you and will never stop. Just hold on baby girl. I will never let you go."
And sometimes when the painful pieces of the process land beneath my feet, I'm tempted to pull my hand away from His to write my own song. But even if I try, He won't allow it. He knows I need Him more than I want the pain to go away. He knows we'll make it through. He squeezes my trembling hand time and time again and sings, "Just hold on baby girl. I'll never let you go."
So often as we walk with Him, our hearts constantly ask "what if" about anything and everything in between.
What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
What if I fall down?
But faith is declaring "EVEN IF" rather than asking "what if".
Even if I can't do it, You can.
Even if I fail, God never will.
Even if I fall down, God will never let me go.
Believing even if healing doesn't come when you asked it to, He is still a Perfect Healer.
Believing even if something doesn't turn out like you had planned, He is still a Perfect Leader.
Believing even if someone hurts you that was meant to protect you, He is still a Perfect Protector.
Believing even if you feel lost in a fog of your pain and circumstance, He is still a Perfect Father.
Because my faith isn't based on EXPERIENCE, it's based on His Spirit living within me.
Because although the process may sometimes bring steps you never imagined you could walk onto, the hand locked between your fingers will bring a peace and fearlessness you never imagined could belong to you.
That is the melody He sings and whispers over you. That is the hope He will never stop extending.
I'm not afraid of the process anymore. Because His song is greater than the storm. His hope reigns louder than the pain. His hand is stronger than the fists against me.
His love drives me to overcome crazy things my 10 year old heart never imagined it ever could. His hand in mine leads me to be so brave I can't believe it's really me. His constant song propels me to others in their Monday Moments and sing the same song in their ear as I hold them close: "Just hold on. I'm never going to let you go."
So here's to embracing the process, squeezing His hand constantly wrapped around mine, listening to the song of peace He is always singing, and trusting Him every step of the way.
Because you were created to be fearless, and no Monday can ever steal that away from you.
-Han
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
How Beautiful To Fall
These last few weeks have left me totally speechless.
The only way my heart knows how to respond is with a peaceful, rested exhale of gratitude.
Deep breath in, long breath out.
I am beyond thankful to be somewhere in the world that Fall is so clearly present. Leaves crunching underneath my toes, rainbow trees dancing against the chilly breeze, golden pathways covered in crispy chlorophyll, misty evenings that require hoodies and scarves, and oh so many apples scattered randomly perfect along the country roads.
Truly one of the most beautiful seasons of Creation.
I went on a long run last night throughout the leafy-covered roads. I couldn't get over the satisfying misty oxygen available to my thirsty lungs. As one foot surpassed the other atop each new fallen leaf laced with it's own unique collection of markings, I couldn't help but just worship.
How beautiful this Creation, and even more beautiful is its' Creator.
Designed to constantly encompass this cycle:
Fall Down, Rest in Silence, Grow Anew, Shine Beautifully.
Autumn, Winter, Spring, Summer, R e p e a t.
They don't question these seasons, they don't work to stay within their bounds, they simply just let it happen as it was designed to.
It made me start to giggle quietly to myself when I thought about the season of Fall. Why is it called "Fall"? Don't we avoid that word and especially that verb as a people?
I guess it acquired that nickname for it's habitual promise of every leaf being pulled down from it's branches to kiss the ground. It isn't called "Crunch" which would make sense because of the noise heard loud and clear from the crispy sticks and leaves. It isn't called "Color" which would also make sense because the undeniable pallet spread across the color spectrum on every tree and wildflower.
It's called F A L L.
I thought about that while I ran. I thought about the fear we hold as people to fall. How we look down and even laugh on people who do so. How much it hurts and scars us sometimes.
But weaved into the seasons we see the reason that we fall... to get back up, and to grow into something beautiful, stronger, and new.
Because Winter blows its' way in as every leaf and tree is in perfect position to be put to rest. Silenced beautifully and safely in an effortless wonderland. A break from producing, growing, and shining-- a Season to breathe in only peace.
Which leads us into Spring where life begins to grow again. New and lively-- fresh and brave.
Until Summer dances in and shines a bright spotlight on all that we have overcome, all the beauty that The Lord has perfected and sprouted up within us.
Each time that Autumn knocks on our door, it never asks us to discount all the beauty and goodness of Summer slowly exiting behind us. It simply invites us to let ourselves fall again. Sometimes gracefully like the yellow leaf upon the green grass, and sometimes hard like the acorn cracking open onto the pavement.
Maybe we need to let something go, to finally fall out of our clenched, exhausted palms. To be renewed, remade, and reborn into something new, better, and beautiful.
Maybe we need to let ourselves fall into the arms of our Father who is waiting with relentless eyes of love to hold us tightly as we just rest there as long as we need. Until He breathes new life into our tired spirits and sprouts up something new inside our hearts.
Maybe we need to crash hard. Because we are on a path that is leading to destruction and away from our God who loves us with all that He is. To completely crack the foundation of false hope so that He can fully rebuild it with His unshakable faithfulness.
No matter how Autumn finds you, don't be afraid to fall.
In fact, LET yourself fall.
Fall freely, fall with tears, fall with joy, fall with hope, fall with exhaustion, fall with pain, fall with fear, fall with the assurance that just like the leaves scattered upon every part of the ground, their Maker is fully aware of each and every single one. Where it lies, where the wind will take it, where it needs to rest, where it will grow again, and where it will flourish best.
No matter how you fall, you can't fall somewhere He can't find you. He will always find you, pick you up, and delight in the unique colors, scars, and beauty painted upon your heart-- anxious to give you rest and create something stunning & new again.
-Han
The only way my heart knows how to respond is with a peaceful, rested exhale of gratitude.
Deep breath in, long breath out.
I am beyond thankful to be somewhere in the world that Fall is so clearly present. Leaves crunching underneath my toes, rainbow trees dancing against the chilly breeze, golden pathways covered in crispy chlorophyll, misty evenings that require hoodies and scarves, and oh so many apples scattered randomly perfect along the country roads.
Truly one of the most beautiful seasons of Creation.
I went on a long run last night throughout the leafy-covered roads. I couldn't get over the satisfying misty oxygen available to my thirsty lungs. As one foot surpassed the other atop each new fallen leaf laced with it's own unique collection of markings, I couldn't help but just worship.
How beautiful this Creation, and even more beautiful is its' Creator.
Designed to constantly encompass this cycle:
Fall Down, Rest in Silence, Grow Anew, Shine Beautifully.
Autumn, Winter, Spring, Summer, R e p e a t.
They don't question these seasons, they don't work to stay within their bounds, they simply just let it happen as it was designed to.
It made me start to giggle quietly to myself when I thought about the season of Fall. Why is it called "Fall"? Don't we avoid that word and especially that verb as a people?
I guess it acquired that nickname for it's habitual promise of every leaf being pulled down from it's branches to kiss the ground. It isn't called "Crunch" which would make sense because of the noise heard loud and clear from the crispy sticks and leaves. It isn't called "Color" which would also make sense because the undeniable pallet spread across the color spectrum on every tree and wildflower.
It's called F A L L.
I thought about that while I ran. I thought about the fear we hold as people to fall. How we look down and even laugh on people who do so. How much it hurts and scars us sometimes.
But weaved into the seasons we see the reason that we fall... to get back up, and to grow into something beautiful, stronger, and new.
Because Winter blows its' way in as every leaf and tree is in perfect position to be put to rest. Silenced beautifully and safely in an effortless wonderland. A break from producing, growing, and shining-- a Season to breathe in only peace.
Which leads us into Spring where life begins to grow again. New and lively-- fresh and brave.
Until Summer dances in and shines a bright spotlight on all that we have overcome, all the beauty that The Lord has perfected and sprouted up within us.
Each time that Autumn knocks on our door, it never asks us to discount all the beauty and goodness of Summer slowly exiting behind us. It simply invites us to let ourselves fall again. Sometimes gracefully like the yellow leaf upon the green grass, and sometimes hard like the acorn cracking open onto the pavement.
Maybe we need to let something go, to finally fall out of our clenched, exhausted palms. To be renewed, remade, and reborn into something new, better, and beautiful.
Maybe we need to let ourselves fall into the arms of our Father who is waiting with relentless eyes of love to hold us tightly as we just rest there as long as we need. Until He breathes new life into our tired spirits and sprouts up something new inside our hearts.
Maybe we need to crash hard. Because we are on a path that is leading to destruction and away from our God who loves us with all that He is. To completely crack the foundation of false hope so that He can fully rebuild it with His unshakable faithfulness.
No matter how Autumn finds you, don't be afraid to fall.
In fact, LET yourself fall.
Fall freely, fall with tears, fall with joy, fall with hope, fall with exhaustion, fall with pain, fall with fear, fall with the assurance that just like the leaves scattered upon every part of the ground, their Maker is fully aware of each and every single one. Where it lies, where the wind will take it, where it needs to rest, where it will grow again, and where it will flourish best.
No matter how you fall, you can't fall somewhere He can't find you. He will always find you, pick you up, and delight in the unique colors, scars, and beauty painted upon your heart-- anxious to give you rest and create something stunning & new again.
-Han
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Spiders and Satan
Recently, I witnessed a group of college girls who were taking a harmless stroll together outside. I watched them absolutely freak out of nowhere; high pitched screaming like you would have thought they saw Channing Tatum shirtless or witnessed a gruesome murder or something. (It's kind of hard to tell the difference with us females.) They literally sprinted the other direction and took a totally different path than they had been walking upon.
I walked over and examined the cause of their fatal sounding cries and course change and saw a fuzzy black spider no bigger than the size of a nickel harmlessly scurrying along the sidewalk. It was definitely ugly and nothing anyone would want crawling around their bedside, but it was literally just ONE LITTLE SPIDER. I laughed out loud.
After being overwhelmed in so much freedom this last week, I realized something:
Satan is a lot like a spider.
He's ugly, he's scary, he's intimidating, he uproots fear, he makes you feel like something scary is surrounding you and crawling all over you. He can send a group of people screaming in fear and running all kinds of chaotic directions. But look how small and weak... look how easily He could be crushed right under your foot. Look how LITTLE power He has over such a strong being as yourself. We give Him way too much power, when really we ought to disregard him, squish him like dust into the ground, and keep walking on the path before us.
That power lies within you. It's never been stolen or taken, but it's hard to see when you yourself have been trained in the lie that one tiny fear can destroy your courage and your future. It CAN'T. It can only make you THINK it can. The spider doesn't want you to know you can destroy IT with one simple stomp of your foot. What is literally just one tiny spider, our fear sees as a 20 foot shark ready to devour us. But do our feelings and perspective actually alter what lies before us? Never.
Stop letting tiny, powerless fears keep you from walking where The Lord has directed you. They may be hard to look at, they may bring up a disgust within you, they may tempt you to believe the rumors you have heard about them are true, they may appear bigger than everything else around you, they may steal your focus, but they are powerless. Go step on them and keep walking. Chase them down and squash them if you have to. They are actually terrified of Y O U. Go be brave because you were made to be, and something as small as a spider was never meant to be your end.
You were made to be strong; you were made to WIN.
You were made to conquer things far bigger than fear.
Refuse to let a monumental feeling overshadow the microscopic reality.
When you remember the power that is IN you, nothing can knock you down. When you can stand immovably atop the truth that YOU HAVE BEEN MADE STRONG, everything begins to look like tiny, weak spiders in the lens of your warrior eyes. Yet another laughable, powerless, tiny bug that you will gladly stomp out of your way.
Be brave, walk again where you were made to go, and reclaim power over all that has had control over you for far too long. That victory is yours. Go take it.
-Han
Psalm 18
I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
I trampled them like mud in the streets.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Hands Wide Open
It's been a pretty non-stop, chaotic, stressful, painful, and scary few months.
Those seasons in life where you look up into the clouds and ask their Maker when you'll get a break. Sometimes, it's all too easy to forget that I'm not owed something just because I persevere through the challenges. I already received all I need the day that Jesus found me. Anything extra apart from His heart beating inside of mine and His grace leading me through each day is a special and unexpected blessing-- not something I can earn.
Last week I climbed Pikes Peak by foot. 799 staircases, 17.2 miles, up to 14,115 feet above the clouds. Definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sun poisoning, altitude sickness, fainting from lack of oxygen, pounding headache, dehydration, and overall exhaustion made for a very trying climb. I may have cried a few tears.
But I learned something very difficult around mile 8:
With every step I was looking forward to flat ground eventually, every new mile I awaited an "easy" part of the climb, my thought process often went something like this: "Well, I just need to push through THIS steep & rocky mile with everything I have no matter how much I want to give up because then I'm sure I'll see some level ground and my body will have a break."
I realized how much that thinking was doing terrible things for my endurance. Because the following mile ended up being way HARDER than the previous. Less oxygen, less energy, less hydration, less coherency, less strength. The more that I awaited the a future"easy", the more challenging the present "hard" became. Because I gave it all I had and was completely empty by the end of that mile and didn't want to keep going onto the next.
I saw how much that was like life. Pushing hard through each challenge waiting for God to bring my "well-deserved break". And every time it didn't come, I would measure my endurance and assume I wasn't doing something good enough or trying hard enough.
But that's not what God asks of us is it? To try and try and try until we're out of oxygen and furious we have breathing problems. We took away our own oxygen. God never stole it from us. It's this "let's just get this over with" attitude that steals away our joy, our purpose, and our patience in the storm.
While we say "Let's just get this over with already."
God says: "Let's take our time and just walk this out together no matter how long it takes."
Patiently taking one step at a time creates something inside of us that we will never find if we're sprinting past each step: a closer walk with the Spirit in our hearts, an ability to patiently endure amidst our weakness, and eyes to clearly see the purpose intricately painted upon each step.
It seems much less overwhelming when you take one step at a time. And that's how God designed it. His yoke is easy and light-- I'll say that again: His yoke is EASY and His burden is LIGHT. He doesn't require for us to reach the top at a certain time, He just asks us to let Him walk with us in our journey.
A song that has totally changed my life and been God's anthem over me in this season goes like this:
"I lean not on my own understanding; My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to you God; trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
There's nothing I hold onto."
There's nothing I hold onto."
I thought about those words during my hike. And especially in my life. With clenched, exhausted fists that are yearning to find eventual rest, God can't put anything into my palms as I climb. But with hands wide open, He can freely pour His strength and His joy inside of me.
He tells me I can rest AS I climb if only I don't view each step as something to get done and over with; but instead as something beautiful He can use my open hands to create. And let's be honest, He is the Maker of Heaven-- the designer of the stars, the Author of the sunsets-- there is no other Teacher I would rather entrust my canvas to except for Him.
Random freezing blizzards.
Breathtaking.
And sometimes, God sends an angel your way to help you finish.
The last part that just about killed me.
Right next to the sun.
His promise stamped at the top.
-Han
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Dancing on your Deathbed
I was just about done. My limits were reached and my heart was exhausted of trying. I remember telling God I wasn't giving up, just giving up on THIS way. Surely there had to be a different way to get where He wanted me. Because this one was seemingly impossible and just had to be wrong. Empty, exhausted, scared, and confused.
I slammed my car door in frustration and turned the radio on full blast as I began to drive home. The "I like us better when we're wasted" song was playing. A sadly accurate representation of most of our generation. It is super catchy so I was jamming out through my open windows and distracting myself from my raging emotions. Then above the maximum volume of the bass blasting out my car, I felt the strongest and most random need to look at the tattoo on my arm. [Side note: Jesus can speak through anything, anywhere, anytime.]
It says "More" and I got it a few months ago to always remind myself and others that God always, always has more for you than where you are. More joy, more freedom, more peace, more healing, more love, more growth, more than depression, more than addiction, more than bondage, more than pain, more than heartache, etc.
I took a look at it and rolled my eyes. "I know, God, I know. You have more for me than this. But I just don't know if I can do it."
Then the strongest and most gentle voice blasted through the speakers of my heart:
"Yes Hannah, I do have more for you. But I need more FROM you."
Dangit. That's not why I got the tattoo.... ;)
As much as everything inside me was screaming the opposite, I said "Okay, Jesus. Okay. But if I do this, I need more OF you. Every day, all day. Because I literally cannot do this without your strength." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth that I felt Him smiling down at me. That's exactly the point. It's like every reason I had for giving up immediately melted away as I realized He led me into this challenge SO THAT I would literally NEED to turn to Him even more.
That moment of surrender gave me so much strength. He wouldn't lead me somewhere that would hurt me or ruin me. He only leads us into beautiful places that strengthen us and draw us closer to His heart and give us courage and train us for our futures. I wasn't struggling with the challenge, I was struggling with a lack of trust in Him to overcome it.
Let me transition into a story.
I walked into Joe's hospital room about an hour before my shift was over. About the 80th patient I had seen that day alone. I had nothing left to give; so I said Jesus I need you here; show me what to say. As I sat down his lunch of popsicles and jello, I asked how he was feeling. He was 92 years old. His frail body had seen a lot of life and wasn't going to see very much more. He looked into my eyes seeing that I truly cared, and reached out his trembling hand towards mine. I grabbed it and bent over closer to him as I whispered: "you can do this." He told me he wrote out a prayer and wanted to read it to me.
"I would love that, Joe."
He said the first three words: "I am blessed"... and he began to weep. I squeezed his hand so tightly and felt tears begin to form in my own eyes. His attention diverted from the piece of paper and back towards me. I expected his next words to be about how scared he was of death, or how he didn't understand why He was going to die. Instead, his words shocked me:
"I am so happy, child. I have never been this happy. These are tears of joy not tears of pain."
I couldn't comprehend it. Why is he so happy? He's about to die. He's hooked up on every kind of IV and medication and has no family or friends and he's crying tears of joy? So I asked him the reason for his happiness and he replied with something I will never forget:
"Because I know this Holy Spirit is surely with me. Do you know what surely means? It means without any doubt or reservation. I know this happiness proves He is with me and that I can do it."
Holding back tears best I could, I couldn't stop smiling. "That's right, Joe. That's right. He is with you and He loves you so much. He's never going to leave you, and He is going to walk with you through this." We laughed a lot together and he thanked me for being happy next to him.
I will probably never see Joe again in that room. But I know I'll see him again someday in between the clouds and we'll laugh together and dance together and talk about that beautiful moment.
Joe taught me something I'll never forget.
In any challenge, even on your deathbed, God is there. Joy is there. Laughter is there. Happiness is in the most hopeless of places because our hope never leaves us. Our hope is Jesus, and we can't escape Him. In every challenge, in every obstacle, in every storm, in every struggle, in every weak moment, in every exhausted breath, in every form of darkness. No matter where we go or where we are or what we do, our hope is surely our joy. Our hope is surely our happiness. Our hope is surely our strength. Our hope is surely our courage. And our hope is surely what will lead us h o m e.
-Han
I slammed my car door in frustration and turned the radio on full blast as I began to drive home. The "I like us better when we're wasted" song was playing. A sadly accurate representation of most of our generation. It is super catchy so I was jamming out through my open windows and distracting myself from my raging emotions. Then above the maximum volume of the bass blasting out my car, I felt the strongest and most random need to look at the tattoo on my arm. [Side note: Jesus can speak through anything, anywhere, anytime.]
It says "More" and I got it a few months ago to always remind myself and others that God always, always has more for you than where you are. More joy, more freedom, more peace, more healing, more love, more growth, more than depression, more than addiction, more than bondage, more than pain, more than heartache, etc.
I took a look at it and rolled my eyes. "I know, God, I know. You have more for me than this. But I just don't know if I can do it."
Then the strongest and most gentle voice blasted through the speakers of my heart:
"Yes Hannah, I do have more for you. But I need more FROM you."
Dangit. That's not why I got the tattoo.... ;)
As much as everything inside me was screaming the opposite, I said "Okay, Jesus. Okay. But if I do this, I need more OF you. Every day, all day. Because I literally cannot do this without your strength." No sooner had the words come out of my mouth that I felt Him smiling down at me. That's exactly the point. It's like every reason I had for giving up immediately melted away as I realized He led me into this challenge SO THAT I would literally NEED to turn to Him even more.
That moment of surrender gave me so much strength. He wouldn't lead me somewhere that would hurt me or ruin me. He only leads us into beautiful places that strengthen us and draw us closer to His heart and give us courage and train us for our futures. I wasn't struggling with the challenge, I was struggling with a lack of trust in Him to overcome it.
Let me transition into a story.
I walked into Joe's hospital room about an hour before my shift was over. About the 80th patient I had seen that day alone. I had nothing left to give; so I said Jesus I need you here; show me what to say. As I sat down his lunch of popsicles and jello, I asked how he was feeling. He was 92 years old. His frail body had seen a lot of life and wasn't going to see very much more. He looked into my eyes seeing that I truly cared, and reached out his trembling hand towards mine. I grabbed it and bent over closer to him as I whispered: "you can do this." He told me he wrote out a prayer and wanted to read it to me.
"I would love that, Joe."
He said the first three words: "I am blessed"... and he began to weep. I squeezed his hand so tightly and felt tears begin to form in my own eyes. His attention diverted from the piece of paper and back towards me. I expected his next words to be about how scared he was of death, or how he didn't understand why He was going to die. Instead, his words shocked me:
"I am so happy, child. I have never been this happy. These are tears of joy not tears of pain."
I couldn't comprehend it. Why is he so happy? He's about to die. He's hooked up on every kind of IV and medication and has no family or friends and he's crying tears of joy? So I asked him the reason for his happiness and he replied with something I will never forget:
"Because I know this Holy Spirit is surely with me. Do you know what surely means? It means without any doubt or reservation. I know this happiness proves He is with me and that I can do it."
Holding back tears best I could, I couldn't stop smiling. "That's right, Joe. That's right. He is with you and He loves you so much. He's never going to leave you, and He is going to walk with you through this." We laughed a lot together and he thanked me for being happy next to him.
I will probably never see Joe again in that room. But I know I'll see him again someday in between the clouds and we'll laugh together and dance together and talk about that beautiful moment.
Joe taught me something I'll never forget.
In any challenge, even on your deathbed, God is there. Joy is there. Laughter is there. Happiness is in the most hopeless of places because our hope never leaves us. Our hope is Jesus, and we can't escape Him. In every challenge, in every obstacle, in every storm, in every struggle, in every weak moment, in every exhausted breath, in every form of darkness. No matter where we go or where we are or what we do, our hope is surely our joy. Our hope is surely our happiness. Our hope is surely our strength. Our hope is surely our courage. And our hope is surely what will lead us h o m e.
-Han
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Where "Church" Has Gone Wrong
Something has been bothering me big time. It's the way the Church "loves" sinners. Because I wouldn't call it love at all.
It's like for those of us raised in the Church, we use the phrase "Jesus hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors" for our advantage rather than for theirs as Christ intended. We use it as a means to justify surrounding ourselves with sin and engage in what they also do. I've seen it happen, and I've been guilty of it myself. Or we hang out with them to make ourselves "feel" better. Like clearly we are "more righteous" than so and so because we're only on beer 3 instead of beer 10.
But why did Jesus hang out with them? To make himself feel more like a saint? To surround himself with more obvious sin so he didn't feel as bad sinning? No.
He surrounded himself with the sinner to show unconditional love. Aren't we called to do the same?
I've seen the Church love the starving, the orphan, and the homeless on a week long mission trip many a times. But I have yet to see them love the homosexual by inviting them into their friend group for pizza nights and laughter. I have yet to see them continuously love the outspoken athiest in their class by taking him to coffee. I have yet to see them sacrifice time and comfort to help the hurting girl during her addiction to alcohol & pornography.
Because it's much easier to stay above the surface isn't it? Breaking the bubble is scary and might cost you some of our precious time. It may cause you to be around some things that make you uncomfortable and be challenged in what you believe. It may cause you to repeatedly hold the hand of a friend who continues to make the same poor choice over and over again.
Christ calls us to love these people too. Especially these people. Because you and I, we're a sinner too.
Your love for them does NOT dictate your opinion about their choices.
Often we are trained to think: "Oh no... but if I love them during their adulterous relationship, won't they think I am supporting their choices?"
NO! And is it our calling to love based on how the world accepts our love? Of course not.
We're called to love like Jesus loves us.
Just like Jesus loves you for your heart and not your actions, we are called to do the same.
How screwed would all of us be if God approached us like so much of the Church approaches the "sinner"?
"Well, I can't love Hannah as relentlessly and sacrificially as I love so and so because her sin is just too gross and different and consistent." THANK HEAVENS HE DOES NOT LOVE THIS WAY. That would be conditional love.
He looks at YOU. Not your flaws or your terrible choices or your sin. The only reason that "sin" becomes an issue is because it gets in the way of a relationship that you were created to have with your Creator. It steals your joy and keeps you away from the freedom God intended you to live in.
And let's remember unconditional love. It's unconditional. That means under NO condition does the love run out, end, or change.
I've been hurt because of this issue, I've seen close friends be hurt by this issue, and I've seen many people turn away from the Church because "Christians" are not loving their neighbor if their neighbor is too "worldly".
That is crap.
Your neighbor is your neighbor. You wouldn't disclaim your neighbor across from you just because they live a way you don't agree with. They still are technically across the street from you regardless of how they choose to live there.
We don't get to pick and choose who the neighbors are God has placed around us. We are simply called to love them. And love them unconditionally.
So, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone that the Church has somehow told you is "biblical". Because what's biblical is LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR AS CHRIST HAS LOVED YOU. Regardless of how they live or act or see God or see Christianity. That means stepping out of the "safe and relatively clean" bubble and into the messy, broken, and dirty reality of the world around us. Prove all of their opinions of the Church wrong by loving them unconditionally as Christ has loved you. That relentless, nonjudgmental, sacrificial, freeing, and patient love is what will show them who Jesus is.
Not your avoidance of them or refusal to be their friend because of the way that they live. Don't hear me wrong. I am not saying you have to agree with their choices or tell them that you do, I am saying you are called to look at their hearts and love them for who they are instead of based on your opinion of their lifestyle.
If you are someone who has been h u r t deeply by the Church, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. That is not God's heart for you. Judgment and hatred and rejection are not the job of the Church. Love and acceptance is the heart beat God intended, and you are no exception to that rule.
Just because someone is completely different from you, does not mean you cannot love them. Different people need hope too. Hope isn't confined by a lifestyle. You and another person could have absolutely nothing in common but you would both share this truth: you need hope. Hope is needed for every single human on this planet. And if we won't give it away to the broken, the convict, the alcoholic homeless man on the corner, the stripper, or the addict, who will?
-Han
It's like for those of us raised in the Church, we use the phrase "Jesus hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors" for our advantage rather than for theirs as Christ intended. We use it as a means to justify surrounding ourselves with sin and engage in what they also do. I've seen it happen, and I've been guilty of it myself. Or we hang out with them to make ourselves "feel" better. Like clearly we are "more righteous" than so and so because we're only on beer 3 instead of beer 10.
But why did Jesus hang out with them? To make himself feel more like a saint? To surround himself with more obvious sin so he didn't feel as bad sinning? No.
He surrounded himself with the sinner to show unconditional love. Aren't we called to do the same?
I've seen the Church love the starving, the orphan, and the homeless on a week long mission trip many a times. But I have yet to see them love the homosexual by inviting them into their friend group for pizza nights and laughter. I have yet to see them continuously love the outspoken athiest in their class by taking him to coffee. I have yet to see them sacrifice time and comfort to help the hurting girl during her addiction to alcohol & pornography.
Because it's much easier to stay above the surface isn't it? Breaking the bubble is scary and might cost you some of our precious time. It may cause you to be around some things that make you uncomfortable and be challenged in what you believe. It may cause you to repeatedly hold the hand of a friend who continues to make the same poor choice over and over again.
Christ calls us to love these people too. Especially these people. Because you and I, we're a sinner too.
Your love for them does NOT dictate your opinion about their choices.
Often we are trained to think: "Oh no... but if I love them during their adulterous relationship, won't they think I am supporting their choices?"
NO! And is it our calling to love based on how the world accepts our love? Of course not.
We're called to love like Jesus loves us.
Just like Jesus loves you for your heart and not your actions, we are called to do the same.
How screwed would all of us be if God approached us like so much of the Church approaches the "sinner"?
"Well, I can't love Hannah as relentlessly and sacrificially as I love so and so because her sin is just too gross and different and consistent." THANK HEAVENS HE DOES NOT LOVE THIS WAY. That would be conditional love.
He looks at YOU. Not your flaws or your terrible choices or your sin. The only reason that "sin" becomes an issue is because it gets in the way of a relationship that you were created to have with your Creator. It steals your joy and keeps you away from the freedom God intended you to live in.
And let's remember unconditional love. It's unconditional. That means under NO condition does the love run out, end, or change.
I've been hurt because of this issue, I've seen close friends be hurt by this issue, and I've seen many people turn away from the Church because "Christians" are not loving their neighbor if their neighbor is too "worldly".
That is crap.
Your neighbor is your neighbor. You wouldn't disclaim your neighbor across from you just because they live a way you don't agree with. They still are technically across the street from you regardless of how they choose to live there.
We don't get to pick and choose who the neighbors are God has placed around us. We are simply called to love them. And love them unconditionally.
So, I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone that the Church has somehow told you is "biblical". Because what's biblical is LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR AS CHRIST HAS LOVED YOU. Regardless of how they live or act or see God or see Christianity. That means stepping out of the "safe and relatively clean" bubble and into the messy, broken, and dirty reality of the world around us. Prove all of their opinions of the Church wrong by loving them unconditionally as Christ has loved you. That relentless, nonjudgmental, sacrificial, freeing, and patient love is what will show them who Jesus is.
Not your avoidance of them or refusal to be their friend because of the way that they live. Don't hear me wrong. I am not saying you have to agree with their choices or tell them that you do, I am saying you are called to look at their hearts and love them for who they are instead of based on your opinion of their lifestyle.
If you are someone who has been h u r t deeply by the Church, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. That is not God's heart for you. Judgment and hatred and rejection are not the job of the Church. Love and acceptance is the heart beat God intended, and you are no exception to that rule.
Just because someone is completely different from you, does not mean you cannot love them. Different people need hope too. Hope isn't confined by a lifestyle. You and another person could have absolutely nothing in common but you would both share this truth: you need hope. Hope is needed for every single human on this planet. And if we won't give it away to the broken, the convict, the alcoholic homeless man on the corner, the stripper, or the addict, who will?
-Han
Monday, July 28, 2014
Smashing the Clock
Colorado is beautiful. There are always adventures to go on and beautiful places to be enjoyed no matter which direction you turn.
But ultimately, my heart isn't here. I know it's not where I was made to end up. I battle with God every day about it, and have the hardest time accepting the slightest thought of staying in America much longer. But is that what God asks of us? To chase what WE want instead of what HE asks? No.
We are called to surrender our desires to HIS timing. Even when our desires are GOOD and FOR His purpose, His wisdom is greater than ours. Because He doesn't stress about the timing. He knows the circumstances and situations encompassed by the clock far outweigh the importance of the time it reads. The hands point to something greater than numbers. They point to meaning and purpose-- they point back to Him.
During worship yesterday morning, I felt the my stubborn heart fighting His much stronger than usual. Then my favorite song came on: You Make me Brave.
Dangit.
I knew what He was asking me. He was asking if I would be brave no matter how long He has me here and not where my heart really wants to be. If I would let roots grow and people in and healing happen and purpose shine in all places He takes me-- including here, without an end date. It was a surrender moment. The most painful but pivotal and crucial kind of moment.
We aren't called to say "Yes I will, as long as..." (it's for this long, I get this, this works out, this happens next, etc)
We are called to say "Yes I will."
I said yes, even though my feelings didn't coincide. Even though I felt like my purpose was better to be served elsewhere.
But I was reminded that our purpose doesn't end based on location or timing, it starts based on whether or not we are still breathing.
I went into work for my final shift at a job that has been quite the challenge to keep a good attitude about. Suddenly a sweet co-worker who I only worked with one time, came up to the window with a beautiful bouquet of roses and a bag full of gifts and notes.
"Hannah, I could not shake this feeling that I needed to do this for you. You are so special. Your purpose here is so big, and you have inspired me so much with your story and who you are."
As the words came out of her mouth, my heart froze as I tried to think of words to express how perfect and meaningful her gift to me had been.
As I began to share some of the most painful pieces of my story, but even more so, the undeniable beauty that has come from them, I realized something as I watched tears flood down her freckly cheeks from her deep blue eyes:
If I had to be here for 5 years and see this one life be touched and find hope because of it, that's worth it.
Even if I have to be at a job, in a country, in a storm, or somewhere I don't want to be, God must have me there on purpose. Not to DO something, but to SHOW something to the people He sends my way... His h o p e .
Shortly after she left, a customer came to the window who sweetly told me about her evening plans that she wasn't looking forward to. I told her maybe a huge blessing would happen that would make it super worth it. We kept talking about life and she went on to tell me that she could see my heart was made to give hope and love hurting people. WHAT? I've known you for two minutes. I obviously gave her free coffee and my contact information. Before she drove away she smiled and said: Thank you. You were my blessing tonight.
The deepest pains and most hopeless of battles I have fought, the sicknesses that have almost been my end, the weaknesses that used to cripple me into almost nothing--
these are all my foundations of hope and strength... especially for someone else. That which once was my hopelessness is now my greatest example of HOPE.
My past pain feeds my present passion. And the best thing is that God won't leave you purposeless. He won't leave you empty. He knows your heart better than you feel it beating inside your very chest because He crafted every cell and emotion that sustains its' rhythm.
His timing is something that can be trusted, because He can be trusted.
Even if I don't want him to use me where I am, He does anyway. I can't outrun His plan, and I can't escape His purpose.
Even if you find yourself somewhere that is the last place you wanted to be, or maybe just not where you thought you would be by now, God has something for you there. Let Him build your dreams and use you there.
Rather than fighting against your circumstances, embrace them and ride out the adventure and ask what lives you're meant to touch there.
Really, you can live your dream anytime, anywhere, and always.
Take a deep breath, rest your weary heart, and let Him hold you closer than you are trying to hold onto your scheduled future. Let it go so you can finally see the beauty right in front of you.
-Han
But ultimately, my heart isn't here. I know it's not where I was made to end up. I battle with God every day about it, and have the hardest time accepting the slightest thought of staying in America much longer. But is that what God asks of us? To chase what WE want instead of what HE asks? No.
We are called to surrender our desires to HIS timing. Even when our desires are GOOD and FOR His purpose, His wisdom is greater than ours. Because He doesn't stress about the timing. He knows the circumstances and situations encompassed by the clock far outweigh the importance of the time it reads. The hands point to something greater than numbers. They point to meaning and purpose-- they point back to Him.
During worship yesterday morning, I felt the my stubborn heart fighting His much stronger than usual. Then my favorite song came on: You Make me Brave.
Dangit.
I knew what He was asking me. He was asking if I would be brave no matter how long He has me here and not where my heart really wants to be. If I would let roots grow and people in and healing happen and purpose shine in all places He takes me-- including here, without an end date. It was a surrender moment. The most painful but pivotal and crucial kind of moment.
We aren't called to say "Yes I will, as long as..." (it's for this long, I get this, this works out, this happens next, etc)
We are called to say "Yes I will."
I said yes, even though my feelings didn't coincide. Even though I felt like my purpose was better to be served elsewhere.
But I was reminded that our purpose doesn't end based on location or timing, it starts based on whether or not we are still breathing.
I went into work for my final shift at a job that has been quite the challenge to keep a good attitude about. Suddenly a sweet co-worker who I only worked with one time, came up to the window with a beautiful bouquet of roses and a bag full of gifts and notes.
"Hannah, I could not shake this feeling that I needed to do this for you. You are so special. Your purpose here is so big, and you have inspired me so much with your story and who you are."
As the words came out of her mouth, my heart froze as I tried to think of words to express how perfect and meaningful her gift to me had been.
As I began to share some of the most painful pieces of my story, but even more so, the undeniable beauty that has come from them, I realized something as I watched tears flood down her freckly cheeks from her deep blue eyes:
If I had to be here for 5 years and see this one life be touched and find hope because of it, that's worth it.
Even if I have to be at a job, in a country, in a storm, or somewhere I don't want to be, God must have me there on purpose. Not to DO something, but to SHOW something to the people He sends my way... His h o p e .
Shortly after she left, a customer came to the window who sweetly told me about her evening plans that she wasn't looking forward to. I told her maybe a huge blessing would happen that would make it super worth it. We kept talking about life and she went on to tell me that she could see my heart was made to give hope and love hurting people. WHAT? I've known you for two minutes. I obviously gave her free coffee and my contact information. Before she drove away she smiled and said: Thank you. You were my blessing tonight.
The deepest pains and most hopeless of battles I have fought, the sicknesses that have almost been my end, the weaknesses that used to cripple me into almost nothing--
these are all my foundations of hope and strength... especially for someone else. That which once was my hopelessness is now my greatest example of HOPE.
My past pain feeds my present passion. And the best thing is that God won't leave you purposeless. He won't leave you empty. He knows your heart better than you feel it beating inside your very chest because He crafted every cell and emotion that sustains its' rhythm.
His timing is something that can be trusted, because He can be trusted.
Even if I don't want him to use me where I am, He does anyway. I can't outrun His plan, and I can't escape His purpose.
Even if you find yourself somewhere that is the last place you wanted to be, or maybe just not where you thought you would be by now, God has something for you there. Let Him build your dreams and use you there.
Rather than fighting against your circumstances, embrace them and ride out the adventure and ask what lives you're meant to touch there.
Really, you can live your dream anytime, anywhere, and always.
Take a deep breath, rest your weary heart, and let Him hold you closer than you are trying to hold onto your scheduled future. Let it go so you can finally see the beauty right in front of you.
-Han
Monday, July 21, 2014
Share the Courage
I compliment people a lot.
Some people have yelled at me for it, accused me of insincerity because of it, or told me I look like a freak for doing so to strangers on the street. I used to let their criticism hold me back and tone me down. Until I realized the reason my heart longs to say something positive and uplifting to every person I meet is this:
Because everyone deserves to know they matter. Everyone needs to know they have something beautiful within them. Everyone is hurting and everyone has a story. Against the negative current of society that constantly tells people why they are not good enough and how they can improve, we have the opportunity tell them why they already ARE good enough, and show them somebody actually SEES that.
The closer I get to God's heart, the more mine starts to see His people through His eyes. Flawed? Yes, but that's not what He looks at. He looks at YOU. The part of you that no one likes to focus on because they're all too busy trying to change it.
Not many people know this about me, but I have a medical condition that keeps my throat from being able to sing clearly, fully, or for long periods of time. It becomes physically painful and generally ends in a cough attack. It's been a really difficult struggle because my favorite thing in the world to do is worship through singing. While I believe God can and will heal my voice, I also believe that just because my voice is gone, doesn't mean I can't show other people theirs.
The Lord has put a passion like none other in my heart to give people hope.... That they are loved, that freedom is possible, that they are good enough, and that their identity, value and worth is not found in how others make them feel. But in Jesus who loves them deeper than they can grasp and simply because they were made by His perfect hands. He really does use the most painful parts of our pasts to give someone else a different and brighter future.
When God has freed you from much slavery and death, you can't help but want others in prison and near death to know about the key out.
Do I believe telling someone they are beautiful will change their entire life? No. But could it lead to a deeper conversation or a friendship where you can SHOW them how beautiful God has already made them? Yes. I've seen it happen. And THAT does change lives.
Because once someone finally sees how loved they are just by being themselves and nothing more, they are finally free to live for something bigger than reaching the mark of "good enough" or "lovable".
You never know what another is walking through. Smiles and "I'm Fine, How are you?"'s are the easiest lie in America. Telling a woman who goes home to an abusive relationship that she is loved and worth more can bring tears like you wouldn't believe. And those are just words. Imagine what SHOWING her those truths could transform inside of her.
The fullest way to live is by showing other people that they matter, rather than trying to make yourself matter. You already matter more than you can ever understand. Just by existing upon this earth, you serve a purpose; but it's your choice to take that purpose or to let it slip away from your fingers.
Embracing your purpose is the harder path, because sacrifice will knock on your door daily, unknown futures will be your best friend, and inconvenience will become the norm. But the hearts you get to watch change, the lives you begin to see find hope, the pieces of Jesus you find along the way, and the truths you learn about how God sees YOU, is totally, absolutely, undoubtedly worth every single second.
Believe it: You matter. You're loved as you are. You're worth more than what you've been shown by others.
Spread the word, and show others their voice.
-Han
Some people have yelled at me for it, accused me of insincerity because of it, or told me I look like a freak for doing so to strangers on the street. I used to let their criticism hold me back and tone me down. Until I realized the reason my heart longs to say something positive and uplifting to every person I meet is this:
Because everyone deserves to know they matter. Everyone needs to know they have something beautiful within them. Everyone is hurting and everyone has a story. Against the negative current of society that constantly tells people why they are not good enough and how they can improve, we have the opportunity tell them why they already ARE good enough, and show them somebody actually SEES that.
The closer I get to God's heart, the more mine starts to see His people through His eyes. Flawed? Yes, but that's not what He looks at. He looks at YOU. The part of you that no one likes to focus on because they're all too busy trying to change it.
Not many people know this about me, but I have a medical condition that keeps my throat from being able to sing clearly, fully, or for long periods of time. It becomes physically painful and generally ends in a cough attack. It's been a really difficult struggle because my favorite thing in the world to do is worship through singing. While I believe God can and will heal my voice, I also believe that just because my voice is gone, doesn't mean I can't show other people theirs.
The Lord has put a passion like none other in my heart to give people hope.... That they are loved, that freedom is possible, that they are good enough, and that their identity, value and worth is not found in how others make them feel. But in Jesus who loves them deeper than they can grasp and simply because they were made by His perfect hands. He really does use the most painful parts of our pasts to give someone else a different and brighter future.
When God has freed you from much slavery and death, you can't help but want others in prison and near death to know about the key out.
Do I believe telling someone they are beautiful will change their entire life? No. But could it lead to a deeper conversation or a friendship where you can SHOW them how beautiful God has already made them? Yes. I've seen it happen. And THAT does change lives.
Because once someone finally sees how loved they are just by being themselves and nothing more, they are finally free to live for something bigger than reaching the mark of "good enough" or "lovable".
You never know what another is walking through. Smiles and "I'm Fine, How are you?"'s are the easiest lie in America. Telling a woman who goes home to an abusive relationship that she is loved and worth more can bring tears like you wouldn't believe. And those are just words. Imagine what SHOWING her those truths could transform inside of her.
The fullest way to live is by showing other people that they matter, rather than trying to make yourself matter. You already matter more than you can ever understand. Just by existing upon this earth, you serve a purpose; but it's your choice to take that purpose or to let it slip away from your fingers.
Embracing your purpose is the harder path, because sacrifice will knock on your door daily, unknown futures will be your best friend, and inconvenience will become the norm. But the hearts you get to watch change, the lives you begin to see find hope, the pieces of Jesus you find along the way, and the truths you learn about how God sees YOU, is totally, absolutely, undoubtedly worth every single second.
Believe it: You matter. You're loved as you are. You're worth more than what you've been shown by others.
Spread the word, and show others their voice.
-Han
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Questions For Answers
Rain.
Hurricane may be a better way to describe the downpour outside this huge glass window. Something about thunderstorms and rainstorms puts my heart at a slow and steady pace. This is the first day in a long time I have any kind of free time to be STILL-- to just BE.
Even though there are still some major things that need answers, I find peace in this little red booth while looking out at the millions of tiny splashes against the concrete. As I dwell in how far God has taken me, I keep coming back to this to be true:
He will always, ALWAYS, take care of me.
Although His provision doesn't always mirror my request, it ends up filling a multitude of other needs I didn't even know I had. He is a God who goes beyond the extra mile-- who reaches through literal time and space to show how much He loves you.
He teaches while He answers.
His answers sometimes look like more questions. But that's how Jesus always answered people wasn't it? With another question that made them examine their hearts.
I believe the Father operates in the same fashion.
When things seem to be going awry, and we ask Him when things will get better, or why things are not going as planned, or how He will "fix" the situation, rather than answering those questions, He asks US these questions:
"Will you trust me anyway?"
"What do you really believe?"
"Where is your faith?"
"Why are you afraid?"
"Who are you really putting your hope in?"
"What are you really living for?"
"Even in this place, will you believe that I am good?"
Where we want answers, He has questions. It may seem counterproductive, but it's quite the opposite. Our answers to HIS questions will lead us to HIS answer for OUR question. It will force us to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what we truly want.
All of us come to Jesus wanting more FROM Him or more OF Him.
His questions reposition our hearts of "from" to "of"'. Because He knows the only answer we really need is more of Himself. Not a better spouse or a better job or a nicer house or a bigger paycheck or a set plan for our future. All others answers will leave us empty and raise more questions.
I did the Incline with a few friends a couple of nights ago. Every time I climb the oxygen-sucking and muscle-burning steps, I find new life parallels to the exhausting adventure. This time, the weather was super strange. It was one giant foggy cloud all around us and we couldn't see more than ten feet in front of us. This became extremely frustrating about halfway through because we wanted to know how much further we had until the top. But it ended up getting even cloudier and harder to see the farther up we climbed.
Then I realized how much that was like God's journey for us. He knows if we could SEE the top--how far we had to go, or what we would have to overcome, we would be completely overwhelmed and ready to give up. He only shows us what He knows we need in the moment. Because each step makes us stronger and equips us for the next to come.
And each step is part of His plan to get us closer to the top. Each step is it's own battle to be overcome. The fog will clear as we move forward, but our faith is what will keep us going.
Each step is a new choice to worry, or to trust. Worry has always proved useless. Don't get me wrong, I do it every time an answer is not there; but God ALWAYS, always comes through. Every time.
Rather than filling that in between with worry and fear and doubt, God asks us to fill it with FAITH.
He asks us to answer HIM about our disbelief and doubt.
You will get there if you keep climbing one way or another. He is there if you stumble, and He won't let you fall.
Even when the fog is at it's thickest, He is still at His brightest. He only does what He knows will best get you where you are meant to be... closer to His heart and nearer to your purpose.
1 Corinthians 13:7
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, never loses hope, and always endures through every circumstance."
Because God IS love, He is ALL that love encompasses. He never gives up on you, never loses faith in you, never loses hope in you, and will help you endure through every circumstance.
You are His child, and your name is now Love. You never have to give up, lose faith, or lose hope. You can always endure through every circumstance, every step, and every unanswered question. Because Love is in you, Love is with you, Love is holding you, Love is waiting for you at the top, Love is leading you and Love will never quit on you.
-Han
Hurricane may be a better way to describe the downpour outside this huge glass window. Something about thunderstorms and rainstorms puts my heart at a slow and steady pace. This is the first day in a long time I have any kind of free time to be STILL-- to just BE.
Even though there are still some major things that need answers, I find peace in this little red booth while looking out at the millions of tiny splashes against the concrete. As I dwell in how far God has taken me, I keep coming back to this to be true:
He will always, ALWAYS, take care of me.
Although His provision doesn't always mirror my request, it ends up filling a multitude of other needs I didn't even know I had. He is a God who goes beyond the extra mile-- who reaches through literal time and space to show how much He loves you.
He teaches while He answers.
His answers sometimes look like more questions. But that's how Jesus always answered people wasn't it? With another question that made them examine their hearts.
I believe the Father operates in the same fashion.
When things seem to be going awry, and we ask Him when things will get better, or why things are not going as planned, or how He will "fix" the situation, rather than answering those questions, He asks US these questions:
"Will you trust me anyway?"
"What do you really believe?"
"Where is your faith?"
"Why are you afraid?"
"Who are you really putting your hope in?"
"What are you really living for?"
"Even in this place, will you believe that I am good?"
Where we want answers, He has questions. It may seem counterproductive, but it's quite the opposite. Our answers to HIS questions will lead us to HIS answer for OUR question. It will force us to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what we truly want.
All of us come to Jesus wanting more FROM Him or more OF Him.
His questions reposition our hearts of "from" to "of"'. Because He knows the only answer we really need is more of Himself. Not a better spouse or a better job or a nicer house or a bigger paycheck or a set plan for our future. All others answers will leave us empty and raise more questions.
I did the Incline with a few friends a couple of nights ago. Every time I climb the oxygen-sucking and muscle-burning steps, I find new life parallels to the exhausting adventure. This time, the weather was super strange. It was one giant foggy cloud all around us and we couldn't see more than ten feet in front of us. This became extremely frustrating about halfway through because we wanted to know how much further we had until the top. But it ended up getting even cloudier and harder to see the farther up we climbed.
Then I realized how much that was like God's journey for us. He knows if we could SEE the top--how far we had to go, or what we would have to overcome, we would be completely overwhelmed and ready to give up. He only shows us what He knows we need in the moment. Because each step makes us stronger and equips us for the next to come.
And each step is part of His plan to get us closer to the top. Each step is it's own battle to be overcome. The fog will clear as we move forward, but our faith is what will keep us going.
Each step is a new choice to worry, or to trust. Worry has always proved useless. Don't get me wrong, I do it every time an answer is not there; but God ALWAYS, always comes through. Every time.
Rather than filling that in between with worry and fear and doubt, God asks us to fill it with FAITH.
He asks us to answer HIM about our disbelief and doubt.
You will get there if you keep climbing one way or another. He is there if you stumble, and He won't let you fall.
Even when the fog is at it's thickest, He is still at His brightest. He only does what He knows will best get you where you are meant to be... closer to His heart and nearer to your purpose.
1 Corinthians 13:7
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, never loses hope, and always endures through every circumstance."
Because God IS love, He is ALL that love encompasses. He never gives up on you, never loses faith in you, never loses hope in you, and will help you endure through every circumstance.
You are His child, and your name is now Love. You never have to give up, lose faith, or lose hope. You can always endure through every circumstance, every step, and every unanswered question. Because Love is in you, Love is with you, Love is holding you, Love is waiting for you at the top, Love is leading you and Love will never quit on you.
-Han
"This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing. Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—"
Romans 4:17-18Saturday, July 5, 2014
Just Ask Him
I asked God before Church to speak something clearly to me during worship. He always knows exactly what I need to hear. And it's never what or how I think He will speak.
As I sat there and sang to Him, my eyes were closed and my arms were open. Worship and Peace flowing throughout the other. Suddenly I let out a startled gasp when someone gently grabbed my arm. It was my new friend Rae who I had met just about an hour earlier. The only thing she knew about me was my name and that I was from Ohio.
She had walked from one end of the room to the other just to say:
"Hannah, The Holy Spirit just told me something about you. As I looked up and saw your arms reaching out, while you worshiped, I saw how big your heart was; and that God made your arms just as big as your heart. Your arms were made to reach around countless children who need hope and love. You were made to be a mother to many. Whatever dream God has promised you, it WILL come to pass. I don't know if that means something to you, but I had to tell you."
Ensue the tears. When God answers THAT clearly, there's not much else you can do but just burst out in joyful laughter.
How else could she know that about me? That my biggest dream is to rescue children and show them hope and love? Because God told her. I held so tightly to His clear and undeniable promise as I continued to worship with tears of joy streaming down my sunburned cheeks.
But He wasn't done yet.
The Pastor set up a time for us to ask God what He thought about us. Because I have deep scars and wounds in this area from other people, I was hesitant to ask. What if I didn't hear anything and my painful fears got pounded deeper into my heart? But I did it anyway, and rather than hearing an answer, my blackened, shut eyelids immediately saw this:
The last picture I took of the sunset from the night prior. One of the pinkest, fluffiest, most beautiful cloudy skies I had ever seen. I couldn't get the image off my brain, and then all the pictures I've ever taken of a sunset started to flood my memory. I was like Jesus, no, haha, I want to know what you think about ME.
Then the clearest voice hit my heart:
"That IS what I think of when I think of you. I see a sunset."
More tears. Every sunset has always spoken to my heart in a special way. I've always felt loved through the dripping pinks and purples, and I've always felt held by the beauty bursting from the warm orange sunshine. If you follow me on Instagram, you know about my obsession with sunsets.
After that sweet voice and answer given to me by the painter of each sunset, He decided to make sure I believed it. A different girl named Jen who I had just met from across the room walked up to me, hugged me, and said:
"I just feel like I need to tell you that Jesus is so PROUD of all of your pictures that you post on Instagram".
She had no clue why she told me that. But my eyes lit up with joy and I burst into laughter. What does my Instagram feed consist of?
Sunsets.
Not only does Jesus look at me and see a sunset, but he's PROUD of what He sees?
Wow.
It's extremely hard to accept that if you've been scarred and been told and shown otherwise. That you're nothing more than a gross, unlovable and worthless human being. I don't know what your past looks like, or what lies you've believed. But I promise you that Jesus wants to PROVE to you that you ARE WORTH loving-- because you are His child-- and you captivate Him more than anything upon this Earth.
God will stop at nothing to prove his faithfulness to you and remind you who you are. Let Him catch up to you. I challenge you to ask Him what He thinks when He thinks of you. It might just surprise you or change your entire life.
Because when you know what HE thinks, what others think stops being so important to you. Their brands and opinions and abuse no longer speak your worth. Their inability to protect you, love you, or cherish you no longer measure your ability to be protected, loved or cherished. God's arms are endless, his love has no bounds, and his beautiful thoughts about you are greater than the stars in the sky.
Because when He looks at you who are His child, He sees NO dirt, NO stains, NO sin, NO hopelessness, NO screw-up, NO stamp of being unlovable, NO imperfection...
He sees something beautiful-- something worth dying for-- something worth treasuring-- something worth holding-- something worth keeping safe--something worth loving-- something SO MUCH MORE than typical-- something with worth beyond measure-- something He will stop at absolutely nothing to know.
Not just someTHING, but someONE. Someone with a NAME. That name is Daughter. That name is Son. You.
Let Him love you. You are worth it.
If you don't take my word for it, ask Him; and take His.
-Han
As I sat there and sang to Him, my eyes were closed and my arms were open. Worship and Peace flowing throughout the other. Suddenly I let out a startled gasp when someone gently grabbed my arm. It was my new friend Rae who I had met just about an hour earlier. The only thing she knew about me was my name and that I was from Ohio.
She had walked from one end of the room to the other just to say:
"Hannah, The Holy Spirit just told me something about you. As I looked up and saw your arms reaching out, while you worshiped, I saw how big your heart was; and that God made your arms just as big as your heart. Your arms were made to reach around countless children who need hope and love. You were made to be a mother to many. Whatever dream God has promised you, it WILL come to pass. I don't know if that means something to you, but I had to tell you."
Ensue the tears. When God answers THAT clearly, there's not much else you can do but just burst out in joyful laughter.
How else could she know that about me? That my biggest dream is to rescue children and show them hope and love? Because God told her. I held so tightly to His clear and undeniable promise as I continued to worship with tears of joy streaming down my sunburned cheeks.
But He wasn't done yet.
The Pastor set up a time for us to ask God what He thought about us. Because I have deep scars and wounds in this area from other people, I was hesitant to ask. What if I didn't hear anything and my painful fears got pounded deeper into my heart? But I did it anyway, and rather than hearing an answer, my blackened, shut eyelids immediately saw this:
The last picture I took of the sunset from the night prior. One of the pinkest, fluffiest, most beautiful cloudy skies I had ever seen. I couldn't get the image off my brain, and then all the pictures I've ever taken of a sunset started to flood my memory. I was like Jesus, no, haha, I want to know what you think about ME.
Then the clearest voice hit my heart:
"That IS what I think of when I think of you. I see a sunset."
More tears. Every sunset has always spoken to my heart in a special way. I've always felt loved through the dripping pinks and purples, and I've always felt held by the beauty bursting from the warm orange sunshine. If you follow me on Instagram, you know about my obsession with sunsets.
After that sweet voice and answer given to me by the painter of each sunset, He decided to make sure I believed it. A different girl named Jen who I had just met from across the room walked up to me, hugged me, and said:
"I just feel like I need to tell you that Jesus is so PROUD of all of your pictures that you post on Instagram".
She had no clue why she told me that. But my eyes lit up with joy and I burst into laughter. What does my Instagram feed consist of?
Sunsets.
Not only does Jesus look at me and see a sunset, but he's PROUD of what He sees?
Wow.
It's extremely hard to accept that if you've been scarred and been told and shown otherwise. That you're nothing more than a gross, unlovable and worthless human being. I don't know what your past looks like, or what lies you've believed. But I promise you that Jesus wants to PROVE to you that you ARE WORTH loving-- because you are His child-- and you captivate Him more than anything upon this Earth.
God will stop at nothing to prove his faithfulness to you and remind you who you are. Let Him catch up to you. I challenge you to ask Him what He thinks when He thinks of you. It might just surprise you or change your entire life.
Because when you know what HE thinks, what others think stops being so important to you. Their brands and opinions and abuse no longer speak your worth. Their inability to protect you, love you, or cherish you no longer measure your ability to be protected, loved or cherished. God's arms are endless, his love has no bounds, and his beautiful thoughts about you are greater than the stars in the sky.
Because when He looks at you who are His child, He sees NO dirt, NO stains, NO sin, NO hopelessness, NO screw-up, NO stamp of being unlovable, NO imperfection...
He sees something beautiful-- something worth dying for-- something worth treasuring-- something worth holding-- something worth keeping safe--something worth loving-- something SO MUCH MORE than typical-- something with worth beyond measure-- something He will stop at absolutely nothing to know.
Not just someTHING, but someONE. Someone with a NAME. That name is Daughter. That name is Son. You.
Let Him love you. You are worth it.
If you don't take my word for it, ask Him; and take His.
-Han
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Why Fear Fears You
All week long, the fear Satan has been using to destroy me, God is using to teach me and strengthen me.
As I've been undeniably confronted with spiritual warfare, I am learning how much it effects what we do, how we feel about ourselves, our choices, our beliefs, and especially our faith.
Satan only has one tactic in taking us down, and it's this:
F E A R
Whatever fear is greatest in your heart, He will attack until you believe the lie that it's real. He just has to make you believe it, and you will naturally do the rest...
You'll stop believing in your dream, you'll completely hate yourself, you'll believe you are worthless, you'll believe you are not good enough, you'll convince yourself that your faith is good enough where it is, you'll believe you will always be trapped in this addiction, you'll believe you are a failure and will always be, you'll drown in your own apathy, you'll completely give up, etc.
He comes to kill, steal, and destroy.
Kill your dreams, steal your joy, and destroy your future.
And once you believe the lie, you will destroy your own dreams, steal your own joy, and kill your future.
But here is the best news:
Fear is literally POWERLESS.
It can't touch you, it can't hurt you, it can't stop you.
Fear can only make you FEEL defeated, it can NOT defeat you.
Defeat is your choice. Standing against those feelings is your choice.
There is indeed a war being waged against our very souls. And so many people think being passive is the answer. If you did that in a real war, you would lose in an instant. The great thing about THIS war is that we already know who wins. But Satan will stop at nothing to convince you that you have lost. We're called to fight just the same.
"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never overcome it". John 1:5
Think about the sunshine that brings light to the entire world. If you are trapped inside a pitch black room that's 8' by 8'... you will FEEL like darkness is the only thing that exists; your instinct will be to totally forget about the sun and only focus on the blackness surrounding you. But does that ONE dark room take away the Sun that is brightly shining outside? Of course not.
When Satan puts you in a dark room, remind Him of the Son as you walk out.
He will whisper everything your heart is terrified MIGHT BE true of you; but instead of accepting it, you scream everything that IS true of you.
You are LOVED
You are ENOUGH
You are NEW
You are SAFE
You are FREE
You are CLEANSED
You are RIGHTEOUS BY FAITH
You are MADE FOR MORE
You are HELD
You are BRAVE
You are NEVER ALONE
This is why memorizing Scripture and what GOD says about you is essential.
Remember, you don't have to be afraid. His fear can't touch you, your soul, or your heart. It may effect your emotions, but it will never effect the Truth about who you are.
Don't fear fear. Because once you fight with The Lord of Heaven's Armies on your side, fear will fear YOU.
Just because the feeling of fear may not vanish right away, does NOT mean the Truth has vanished. It means Satan is trying to get you to give up. Do not give up your victory. Claim it until HE runs the other direction terrified.
Because the power IN you is greater than the power cast UPON you.
God has GIVEN us a spirit of courage, Satan only can make us FEEL like we have a spirit of fear.
God has GIVEN us a spirit of courage, Satan only can make us FEEL like we have a spirit of fear.
This whole concept has completely changed the way I see who I am, temptation that comes my way, and fear that knocks on my door. Now when I hear the voice of the Enemy, I know it's HIM and it's not me. I know it's not Truth. I know I don't have to be afraid. I know fear is a lie and just a feeling, and God has made me brave.
It doesn't mean I'll never be afraid, it just means I never have to let that fear effect me.
It pushes me to fight with everything for the Truth that God established on that Cross. Because Satan attacks the strongest against God's strongest warriors. If you never experience any kind of lie, fear, or oppression from Him, you are right where He wants you. You are cozy enough in your sin or your lifestyle that He doesn't even have to do anything else. Because you've believed every lie on your own. Break FREE. Find out what God says about you. Believe that ANYTHING is possible because of the power living inside you.
Next time Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy your dreams, joy and future, remind Him of His past defeat and future destruction.
Don't let fear stop you, let it strengthen you. Let it push you closer to God's strong arm that rescues and gives courage. Let it equip you to be a stronger warrior. Let it push you closer to your dreams as you realize the potential Satan sees in you literally terrifies him so much that He will do His best to terrify you out of it. Let it be nothing more than a feeling, and nothing more than a lie.
Refuse to let ONE DARK ROOM take away from the power and presence of the Sun. Jesus is fighting on your behalf, beside you, behind you, with you, and FOR you. The Son is still shining, and the same power that defeated sin and death, lives in you to defeat EVERY single fear.
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37
But in that coming day, no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken! -Isaiah 54:17
-Han
ALL of Psalm 18.
16He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
18They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
19 He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
28You light a lamp for me.
The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.
29 In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall.
16He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
18They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
19 He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.
28You light a lamp for me.
The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.
29 In your strength I can crush an army;
with my God I can scale any wall.
30 God’s way is perfect.
All the Lord’s promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
32 God arms me with strength,
and he makes my way perfect.
35 You have given me your shield of victory.
Your right hand supports me;
your help has made me great.
All the Lord’s promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
32 God arms me with strength,
and he makes my way perfect.
35 You have given me your shield of victory.
Your right hand supports me;
your help has made me great.
37 I chased my enemies and caught them;
I did not stop until they were conquered.
I did not stop until they were conquered.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Is This Real Life?
This last week of my life seems like a dream.
Answered prayers, endless provision, new life, new hope, healing tears, relentless rescue, overflowing joy, and so much of God's presence in worship.
Every single thing I have doubted, feared, or hurt with this last year, and especially since moving, was completely spoken against this week. The truth came to full light and confirmation through a room full of 60 strangers, an email, two strangers at a Mexican restaurant, His voice, a hug, and the sky.
I am learning more about the Father's heart than I knew I ever could.
I'll just expound on one example from this week:
Running under the stars and through the cool evening breeze is one of my favorite ways to find peace. I was on a night run like this early on in the week, and I just started to talk to the One who made all the stars twinkling above me. I told Him I knew He was still there and still working despite my feelings of drowning in the unknown and being stuck in pain. But I asked him to somehow let my heart feel the truth and find it through a sister who understood my heart. Because my heart felt pretty alone, forgotten, unlovable, and off course. I was beginning to let my emotions dictate my path; that is a very dangerous place to be. Because our feelings are not what prove us to be following Jesus, our choices do.
I finished my run with peace in my heart, but doubt still doing it's best to knock down its' walls. I had gotten an email about a week prior from someone named Emily who had invited me to a worship gathering, but had forgotten to reply in the business of the weekend. I woke up with another email from her that basically said this:
Hannah sorry if this is weird for you, because I know we've never even met. But God won't take you off of my heart, and I think I'm supposed to just love you. Wanna come to my house for dinner? I would love to meet you and hear your story. And I need you to know something: You are NOT FORGOTTEN. You are NOT ALONE. You are SO LOVED and SO worth loving. I am praying for you, sister!
Soooooo.... basically I read it and blinked with confusion and read it again...The same email was still there and it wasn't just in my imagination. The exact words I used to describe how I felt, were the exact words she used to encourage me with truth. That night she and I ate vegetable soup and drank smoothies. She told me her inspiring, amazing, courageous story and I shared with her mine. The entire night she reinforced those truths over and over:
You are loved.
You are not forgotten.
You are not alone.
You are safe.
I am going to fight for you.
You have a family here.
You are right on track.
Jesus looks at you and sees perfection because of His sacrifice.
You are new.
Tears streamed down my face as I was completely shocked someone who just met me could know exactly what my heart longed to hear. Funny how the Spirit works.
She spoke other things over me that were deeply buried into the darkest parts of my heart. She saw me the way that Jesus saw me. She SHOWED me Jesus, she didn't just tell me about him. To have someone love me this way is a totally foreign concept for me and definitely not something I thought could happen to me. A stranger loved ME before she knew me, when she met me, and continues to after knowing my past and my brokenness. The rare but beautiful gift of a friend who understands and shares my heart.
As if God couldn't make it any more clear; He answered me above what I asked and did it through a sister I never even met. The rest of the week followed this same unbelievably incredible pattern. I found myself not being able to keep up with all He was doing, and just laughing uncontrollably with joy at His constant provision.
When you give Him the space to work in your life, He will use it I promise you. But it won't always make sense or feel right. He is teaching me that no matter what I feel, His truth never changes.
Don't confuse your feelings of doubt, loneliness, pain, struggle, temptation, confusion, apathy, unknown, or fear with God's hand in your journey. If you were truly off course, He would make it known to you. But your feelings are not your answer.
Stand strong in wherever He has placed you-- He won't let you go. People may let you down and try to hold you back, The Enemy will do His best to stop you and destroy you through your weakest areas, and days without answers will tempt you to think it's all not worth it. But Jesus won't ever stop loving you and walking beside, before, and behind you to prove you it is beyond worth it.
Remember, for those of us who are God's children, Satan attacks us the strongest. Because the last thing He wants to see is us loving the lost, reaching out to the hurting, rescuing the captives, or making God famous. The more He knows you will do for God's kingdom, the more He will fight to destroy you. I say that not to discourage you, because we HAVE the victory. I say it to encourage you. However you are struggling, let it push you to fight harder-- because it only means God has something so beautiful for you that the Enemy will give it all He has to keep it from you.
Screw that, go claim your victory.
Don't give up, and God will always send you whoever, whatever, wherever you need just to whisper His heart to yours:
I have you in my hands. I love you, child. I will never let you go or leave you. Be strong because I will fight for you.
-Han
"I may not on my own understand it
My life is in the Hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to you God
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open."
Answered prayers, endless provision, new life, new hope, healing tears, relentless rescue, overflowing joy, and so much of God's presence in worship.
Every single thing I have doubted, feared, or hurt with this last year, and especially since moving, was completely spoken against this week. The truth came to full light and confirmation through a room full of 60 strangers, an email, two strangers at a Mexican restaurant, His voice, a hug, and the sky.
I am learning more about the Father's heart than I knew I ever could.
I'll just expound on one example from this week:
Running under the stars and through the cool evening breeze is one of my favorite ways to find peace. I was on a night run like this early on in the week, and I just started to talk to the One who made all the stars twinkling above me. I told Him I knew He was still there and still working despite my feelings of drowning in the unknown and being stuck in pain. But I asked him to somehow let my heart feel the truth and find it through a sister who understood my heart. Because my heart felt pretty alone, forgotten, unlovable, and off course. I was beginning to let my emotions dictate my path; that is a very dangerous place to be. Because our feelings are not what prove us to be following Jesus, our choices do.
I finished my run with peace in my heart, but doubt still doing it's best to knock down its' walls. I had gotten an email about a week prior from someone named Emily who had invited me to a worship gathering, but had forgotten to reply in the business of the weekend. I woke up with another email from her that basically said this:
Hannah sorry if this is weird for you, because I know we've never even met. But God won't take you off of my heart, and I think I'm supposed to just love you. Wanna come to my house for dinner? I would love to meet you and hear your story. And I need you to know something: You are NOT FORGOTTEN. You are NOT ALONE. You are SO LOVED and SO worth loving. I am praying for you, sister!
Soooooo.... basically I read it and blinked with confusion and read it again...The same email was still there and it wasn't just in my imagination. The exact words I used to describe how I felt, were the exact words she used to encourage me with truth. That night she and I ate vegetable soup and drank smoothies. She told me her inspiring, amazing, courageous story and I shared with her mine. The entire night she reinforced those truths over and over:
You are loved.
You are not forgotten.
You are not alone.
You are safe.
I am going to fight for you.
You have a family here.
You are right on track.
Jesus looks at you and sees perfection because of His sacrifice.
You are new.
Tears streamed down my face as I was completely shocked someone who just met me could know exactly what my heart longed to hear. Funny how the Spirit works.
She spoke other things over me that were deeply buried into the darkest parts of my heart. She saw me the way that Jesus saw me. She SHOWED me Jesus, she didn't just tell me about him. To have someone love me this way is a totally foreign concept for me and definitely not something I thought could happen to me. A stranger loved ME before she knew me, when she met me, and continues to after knowing my past and my brokenness. The rare but beautiful gift of a friend who understands and shares my heart.
As if God couldn't make it any more clear; He answered me above what I asked and did it through a sister I never even met. The rest of the week followed this same unbelievably incredible pattern. I found myself not being able to keep up with all He was doing, and just laughing uncontrollably with joy at His constant provision.
When you give Him the space to work in your life, He will use it I promise you. But it won't always make sense or feel right. He is teaching me that no matter what I feel, His truth never changes.
Don't confuse your feelings of doubt, loneliness, pain, struggle, temptation, confusion, apathy, unknown, or fear with God's hand in your journey. If you were truly off course, He would make it known to you. But your feelings are not your answer.
Stand strong in wherever He has placed you-- He won't let you go. People may let you down and try to hold you back, The Enemy will do His best to stop you and destroy you through your weakest areas, and days without answers will tempt you to think it's all not worth it. But Jesus won't ever stop loving you and walking beside, before, and behind you to prove you it is beyond worth it.
Remember, for those of us who are God's children, Satan attacks us the strongest. Because the last thing He wants to see is us loving the lost, reaching out to the hurting, rescuing the captives, or making God famous. The more He knows you will do for God's kingdom, the more He will fight to destroy you. I say that not to discourage you, because we HAVE the victory. I say it to encourage you. However you are struggling, let it push you to fight harder-- because it only means God has something so beautiful for you that the Enemy will give it all He has to keep it from you.
Screw that, go claim your victory.
Don't give up, and God will always send you whoever, whatever, wherever you need just to whisper His heart to yours:
I have you in my hands. I love you, child. I will never let you go or leave you. Be strong because I will fight for you.
-Han
"I may not on my own understand it
My life is in the Hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to you God
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open."
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