2013 in Review

As I was spending some time with Jesus in worship today and reflecting on just how much happened in 2013, I realized a reoccurring theme in the insanity of this year:

No matter how positive I was that I was supposed to do something, God had a different plan. And no matter how many times I thought I knew better than Him, God knew best. And every time He would rip away my plans, He would ask me: "daughter, will you trust me?" And with every painful cry of "Yes, Daddy." I whispered, I fell in love with Him deeper. 


My plans went ALL over the place, but God continued to know better and redirect me again and again...

Indiana, Auburn, School, Oklahoma, Toledo, South Africa, Marriage, Rehab, Uganda... 

Those are just a fewwwwww of the major things that I did or did not have planned, that God turned around BIG TIME.

Don't get me wrong, every single time my plan got ripped away, I freaked out. I questioned God, I got angry, I stomped my feet, I cried, I didn't understand... But I still held onto Him tighter than anything else through it all, and He always proved Himself to be faithful. His plan truly was WAY better than mine every time.

Because HIS plan looks like a journey to HIS heart. 
Whereas the plans we make for ourselves tend to look more like the quickest possible route to our destination. 

HE IS the destination. But He also is the journey.

We complicate it by building our own plans and expecting them to come through and play out like we want.
But life doesn't work that way. And God surely doesn't work that way. 

I'm not saying this next year to make your resolution to have no plans... But rather than stomping our feet and screaming at God when our plans don't come through, rejoice in the fact that God is redirecting us back to HIS plan. 

One of the biggest comforts of my soul is knowing that NOTHING is useless when Jesus is involved. No matter how far away you think you are from God's plan, if you just seek Him, you're already walking in it. 

And how silly of us to think that somehow we can mess up God's plan. Like the Creator of everything GOOD will somehow not be able to knit together beauty out of our mess? HA, yeah right. He promises us in Romans 8:28 that He's beyond capable.

I fell more in love with Jesus than I knew was possible this year.
I cried more tears than I thought I ever would.
I felt pain deeper than I knew a heart could feel.
I experienced grace more than I ever thought I could.
I learned more about God and life and myself and others than I ever expected.
I found joy that I didn't know could exist.
I found life that I didn't think was possible to live.

A song I wrote in the middle of a tear-filled night with Jesus and my guitar around 1am says these words:
"I'm at my strongest when I'm at my weakest.
You draw the closest when my pain cuts the deepest.
I'll rejoice in suffering if it makes me more like Jesus."

So I'm starting this year with the knowledge that the only concrete assurance I have about tomorrow is that God will be right there loving me again and again until the sun sets and the stars come out.

What will happen? Who will I meet? Where will I go?

I have absolutely no idea :)
And I'm totally okay with that for the first time in my life.

Because God proved to me time and time again over these last 365 days that He knows what He's doing. And I just have to walk with Him and keep chasing Him for the next 365 days.

So bring on the adventures, trials, challenges, steps of faith, and fears to face... because they will all bring me closer to Jesus.

Praying for whoever is reading these words to find HIM in this new year... To fall in love with the author of time and creator of good. Love and blessings to ya'll!

-Han

Discovering Hidden Treasure

My birthday will be here in a few days and I cannot believe all that has happened this year.

The amazing, the terrible, the heartache, the adventures, the lessons learned, the fears faced, the people met, but most importantly: how much I've grown. 

If I had to pinpoint one of the most important lessons God has stamped into my heart, it would be this:

When you actually are IN LOVE with Jesus, every single thing is different than when you love the idea of Him.

You cannot just occasionally love Him. Either you're in love, or you just love the idea of Him.

I realize this concept may be disagreeable to some, or it may be a concept those of us who have grown up in church hear and immediately think, "I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW".

But the bitter and dangerous curse of religiosity is much more common than we give it credit for. And the intention of letting Jesus fill our constant appetite does not count as allowing Him to do so.

The answer for just living as Jesus calls us to?

Being in love with Him.

If it isn't God's H E A R T that you're after, you'll end up burnt out, you'll end up bitter, you'll end up angry with God for not somehow giving you "what you deserve" for working for Him, you'll end up caught up in a tangled web of sin, you'll end up defeated, you'll end up turned off from the entire idea of God in general.

I believe this is one of the greatest dangers of the Church. Because so many people think dedicating their time to a ministry, or avoiding/fighting against "big sins", or reading their Bible everyday, or having their life together-ish, or hanging out with other people from church, or reading  a lot of Jesus-centered books, or knowing all the right things to say and even THINK, qualifies as loving Jesus. 

When in reality, these are results... not the way we make ourselves love Him.

But this is far from what God intended... because it's still shallow. It requires no digging.... Sure it requires effort and time, but what else? You can cover a million acres of land with seeds... you could endlessly dump them onto the dirt for miles and miles and miles, but if you never go beyond the surface, if you don't go deeper... every single seed is useless. Absolutely no growth or fruit will be produced. You can fill your life with stuff and ministry and words all you want. You can fight for fruit and good and even the things God is passionate for... But creating lasting, rich, real fruit is impossible without planting the seed FIRST.

How terrifying to think you could be this person your entire life, and once you die, God says: But I never knew you.

I cannot stress enough how much this used to be me. But I also cannot stress enough that once I fell in love with Jesus, everything changed.

I now see no time spent with Him as a chore, no act of service for Him as a waste, and no sacrifice too great in exchange for Himself. Because there is nothing better. There is no one more worthy. There is no love sweeter. There is no power stronger.

I think in terms of our earthly relationships. When you LOVE someone from the center of who you are, you want to be like them, you want to be WITH them, you want to honor them, you want to serve them, you want to do everything you can to make sure they know they're adored by you. Not because that's your "duty", but because it's your natural response to the love and relationship you have with them.

You would do whatever it takes to feel that love deeper, to make that love stronger, to see their heart clearer, and to know them more intimately. We were designed this way on purpose. Not just for each other, but for the One whose image we were created in.

All Jesus wants is for us to chase Him back. Because I promise He's already chasing YOU.

Basically, He doesn't want us to chase fruit... His stuff. He wants us to chase HIM. That will look different for everyone because God knows that we all feel love differently and uniquely.

The more of His love and His heart that I experience, the more natural becomes my desire to worship. Worship can be expressed in tons of different ways because it's our love BACK to Him. Just like He shows His love uniquely to each of us, we show ours back uniquely to Him.

In my joy and laughter, I want to worship.
In my pain and sorrow, I want to worship.

Sometimes I sing and spend time with nothing more than my guitar and a candle. 
Sometimes I run so hard throughout the woods with tears streaming down my face because I just know He knows what He's doing even though I don't.
Sometimes I laugh out loud with joy as I reflect on how beautiful He is.
Sometimes I belt out Kim Walker while I'm driving. 
Sometimes I sob my eyes out on my bed and just ask Him to hold me.
Sometimes I am driven to love humanity and buy a stranger flowers and tell them they're loved.

But always, I am called to worship.

And I've truly found that the more deeper in love with Him I fall, the more that everything that happens-- awesome or terrible-- the more all my heart craves is time with Him and His presence.

Just like the first person we want to celebrate joyful news with or to hold us when we're broken is the person we love most, Jesus wants to be that for you. 

And He's better. Infinitely and unexplainably better. Because He doesn't push away, let down, or disappoint.

He blows away, He lifts up, and He exceeds our expectations.

This is because He didn't just LOVE us FIRST, He invented it. He encompasses all that it is.

So I challenge you:
Find His heart. 
And you'll never want to stop knowing more. 

F for Effort

Ya know those habits, relationships, addictions, or thought patterns you just can't seem to ever get rid of?

The ones that just when you think they're gone for good, try to creep their way back in?

They feel good. They feel right. But they are so dangerously deadly.
Sometimes they are so obviously wrong, toxic, foolish and terrible for us, but we hopelessly feel trapped by them anyway. Either way, call it what you will, justify it how you will, or ignore it if you want, but these things are Satan's greatest victories over us. If he can get you to justify or accept these things/actions/relationships, he can keep your focus off of Jesus just enough to  keep you trapped in sin and far from God's presence.

Whether it's pornography or a toxic relationship or an unhealthy obsession with anything other than Jesus:

ALL of us have them. And whatever habit, thing, or person you can't get out of your head right now... That's IT.

For those that are living in congruence with the world and it's standards, they can make themselves nice and cozy in these prison cells... because what reason would they have for forfeiting their feelings and pleasure for God's will?

But for those of us who have tasted even the tiniest bit of God's goodness, we KNOW the tension that exists with these issues. We want them GONE for good because we know it's what is best, but our flesh wants them to stay because it feels like what is best in the moment.

Our nature inclines us to think that perhaps we know better than God, perhaps our feelings hold purpose beyond the truth, or perhaps it's hopeless to try because "it" or "he" or "she" will just come back anyway.

In these last couple days I've been fighting this battle with my own prison cells... literally fighting with God. I've come to Him desperate, I've come to Him angry, I've come to Him asking WHY? Why won't He just take it away, why can't I be strong enough to conquer this for good, why does it always come back?

Because, honestly, it seems like the harder I try, the deeper I fall.

I was driving around in my car during one of these arguments with God pretty pissed off about these prison cells that have held me captive for years. "God, I'm trying SO HARD. I'm giving this everything I've got. WHY is it still there? Don't you want freedom for me?"

Then I heard his still and bold whisper...
"YOU can never try hard enough. Only I can do this in you.   Just   seek    me."

No matter how many times I hear this, learn this, or am told this, I seem to always forget it.

God so patiently redirects me time and time again back to Himself and His presence. The answer is never found in my fight against my sin, but in my determined and immovable dedication to seeking HIM. 

Stop trying harder, and start seeking deeper.

Freedom from those prison cells is found in HIM, healing from your past is found in HIM, wholeness from your broken choices is found in HIM, fulfillment in your emptiness is found in HIM.

Victory is found in HIM. 

The more time we spend in His presence and seek Him out, the more His presence will carry us through the rest of our days... the more we will FEEL Him in our moments of weakness. The more we will sense His spirit next to us in our everyday breathing and living and doing. 

Seek Him FIRST, and strength will follow.
Rather than being strong first, hoping His presence and freedom will follow.

The more you seek Him, the more you'll feel Him.

It's a simple concept that requires great discipline. We get it backwards just about every time. But everyday I pray this to Him again:

"Jesus, today I will stop seeking answers, and I will seek YOU instead."

the beautiful exchange

The more that I grow towards the Father's heart, the less this world makes any sense to me. 

But with that comes an overwhelming temptation to fit in and make sense to the world. 

It's a constant tug-of-war between my spirit wanting more of Jesus but my flesh wanting this earth at the same time. 

One of the hardest things for me is what others think-- especially concerning my faith. I often worry that people think I'm "just a little over the top" or "super religious girl" or "weirdly committed to God". Even as I type those words I'm laughing at myself, fully aware of how silly that sounds. I'm not called to please people, I'm not called to alter my beliefs for anyone, I'm not called to keep my faith silent, and I'm definitely not called to make one ounce of sense to this world... In fact, I'm called to quite the opposite. 

This world should look at us Christians and think we're crazy, totally over the top, and way different than the norm. That is a mark that not many are willing to accept. That's because going to church, serving in ministry, and reading your Bible occasionally are still considered normal to the world. But what if we actually selflessly loved the people in our everyday lives, accepted inconveniences with joy, sacrificed great things that everyone assumes they're entitled to, spoke out about Jesus more than we talked about anything else, and stepped out in faith with no answer on how it would end up? 

Many people in the Church would call this "radical", but isn't this just what Jesus calls "Christian"?

Recently I heard a great message preached about this by a good friend of mine. He explained that the more of grace we experience, the more we will naturally worship in everything that we do/say/think/live.

Grace is a beautiful experience of our hearts, but earth is a beautiful experience to our eyes and bodies.

Grace goes beyond our earthly beings and that's why it fulfills eternally.

Earthly pleasure is immediate and good for a moment, but it doesn't go any further than that moment.

The only GOOD that comes from earthly pleasure/sin/toil/fun is in the exact moment that it's happening. Afterwards, follows a hollow heartbeat and usually a large chip of guilt on your shoulder.

 Whereas, the goodness of God may not be as immediate to our eyes, it's a  process of beauty that creates an eternal relationship over time.

The hardest choices I've had to make in my journey with Jesus are ones that require the most of me and pull me farther away from making sense to this world. We are called to identify the things that are in the way of us and Jesus, and not just "work on them", but S A C R I F I C E them wholeheartedly to the Father. They can be things like our careers, our friends, our egos, our time, our comfort, our plans, etc. 

Giving up what we have always known, for what we don't know.

Giving up what feels good, for what feels painfully empty.

Giving up what makes sense, for what seems to have no answer. 

Giving up what our flesh craves, for what Jesus calls us to do. 

But if we have truly tasted the goodness of the Father and experienced His grace in our hearts, nothing is actually a sacrifice. Slowly, we begin to view our "sacrifices" as opportunities to gain more of Jesus. The subtraction of earth becomes an addition of the Father in our heart.  Loss of earth is a gain of Heaven. Anytime a loss is involved, there will be discomfort and there will be pain. 

It is a reflection of what Jesus did for us on the Cross. His flesh cried out to God with fear; what made SENSE to the world was to plead innocent and escape this unjust death... but what made sense to Heaven was the opposite, and Jesus trusted that spoken promise although it was unseen. 

When God calls you and I to forfeit something or someone for His sake, it's not to punish you or make you miserable.... every single thing He calls us towards and away from is for the purpose of bringing us closer to Himself. He fuels purpose in every painful, teeth-gritting "No" we give to the world and promises another piece of who HE is in exchange. 

And it's always worth it.

Oh, so worth it.

a promise written with stars

The Old Testament is filled with story after story of God making promises that seem impossible, people doubting-- but obeying and trusting Him anyway, an array of roadblocks and detours that make the promise appear hopeless, and finally God not only coming through on His promise, but blowing their minds and exceeding their biggest expectations.

It is one of God's tools that help sustain our faith. When God plants a vision, instills a dream, speaks to your heart, or makes you a promise, it's not a question of IF, it's a question of WHEN. If we attempt to figure out the HOW, we'll make ourselves go insane. The point isn't the HOW, or even the WHEN, it's the journey getting there.

 [[It's the sleepless nights in the Fathers' arms, it's the peaceful moments of worship with the Creator of the universe, it's the chaos and confusion of appearing hopelessness staring you in the face, it's the cries of desperation out to Him, it's the quiet stillness that won't leave your soul despite the raging storms of circumstance, it's the tear-filled runs at the park into the sunset, and it's the undeniable goodness and reality of Himself that he stamps in every moment of your day.]]

He cares way more about YOU and intimately knowing YOU than about where He's leading you to. His main focus isn't the dream He's given you or even the promise He's made, it's YOU. As long as He can get closer to your heart, the rest is irrelevant. If we truly believe He's leading us towards heaven and away from earth, why do we act as if earth is our final destination? His heart should always be our finish line.

Just about all the people God uses for extraordinary things in the Bible have a major thing in common: they were walking in close fellowship with God. They didn't have Master's degrees or millions of dollars. They were just walking with Him.

I love in Genesis 15 when Abraham begs God to somehow give him just ONE son; and rather than God giving Him one son, He leads him outside under the blanket of stars (which were probably more amazing than we could ever know because there wasn't electricity yet) and He says: "Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That's how many descendants you will have!"

How genius of God to speak to Abraham through an inescapable and constant reminder: THE SKY
Even if he wanted to, he could never forget the promise God spoke to him that night.

God knows our hearts desires, and He isn't just going to fulfill them, He plans to exceed them. 

But notice that God doesn't tell Abraham HOW or WHEN, He just promises He WILL.
We ought to respond in faith the same way... not knowing HOW or WHEN we can trust, just knowing we WILL.

Read Romans 4:16-25. "Even when there was NO reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping-- believing that he would become the Father of many nations"..."Abraham's faith did not weaken, in fact, it grew stronger"... "He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises". 

And guess what? God fulfilled His promise. And not only were Abraham's descendants ranking high numbers matching the star count, but the Savior of humanity-- Jesus-- was one of those descendants.

Let this encourage you wherever you find yourself at in life. Whatever promise, dream or vision God gave you yesterday, last year, or ten years ago, He hasn't forgotten. He WILL fulfill it and exceed your expectations. So even when there's no visible or tangible reason for hope, remember His past faithfulness... Let that be your written proof of tangible hope. He's never failed and He isn't going to start with you now. Accept the limitations of today and stop fighting to know your tomorrow. Walk with Him TODAY, and let Him do the rest.

His specialty is the impossible and most hopeless case, so let Him take over from here. 

irreversibility reversed

r e d e m p t i o n.

"the act of saving something or someone from appearingly irreversible decline." -Webster

In the Hebrew text, this word was used to mean "deliver, restore, rescue, or buy back" from slavery or death.

We hear the phrase "redeem yourself" thrown around all the time on ESPN, with friends after an embarrassing moment, or even just a stupid mistake.

Essentially, this word is the act of returning to the good and beauty that once WAS, despite the chaotic disaster it has BECOME... I know I can look back over my past and see so many choices that held the ability to blossom into something great and life-giving, that instead I let spiral into something death-inviting.

How often I've found myself asking:
"How did I get here?"
"How will I ever get out of this?"
"Will this ever change or go away?"

Redemption looks the least possible in the darkest places. In the most hopeless places. Those places we hate revisiting because they're so painful and shameful. Those places we are positive could NEVER be renewed or made into something good. The solution would seem to be to just accept it and continue or do everything possible to get rid of it.

But Jesus chooses a different solution. He chooses to r e d e e m.
To turn the hopeless pain of our yesterdays into the uncontainable beauty of our tomorrows.

The 3rd definition by Webster of redemption is literally "the atonement for human sin by Jesus Christ on the Cross." Talk about "appearingly irreversable decline"... We were DEAD, hopeless, cut off from the Light, swallowed up by the grave, and drowning in our sin... and Jesus took our appearingly irreversible decline to hell and turned it into an unconditional, irreversible stamp of our salvation. Even by using a CROSS-- the Roman symbol of death, Jesus redeemed that appearingly irreversable image into an unchanging, irreversible image of LIFE.

He bought us back. He sold Himself so that we could be restored.
If He can redeem the condition of our souls, He can redeem anything.
From the trees in my backyard that have died, to the past behind me that seems irreversible.

If you find yourself a slave to a moment in your past, Jesus has bought that moment back.
You can't pretend like it's not there, but you can let Him redeem it.
If you find yourself a slave to an addiction, Jesus has bought your freedom.
You can't continue in it because it seems hopeless to change, but you can let Him redeem it.

What appears irreversably declining in your life right now?
Your past? A situation? A relationship? A memory? An addiction?

Let Him buy your irreversible hopelessness with HIS irreversible grace.


[[Because I believe in the God who brings the dead back to life and creates new things out of nothing]] Romans 4:17


redeemed.

Scars for Stories

The first of every month is hands down my favorite day out of the month.

It's like automatic J O Y and H O P E.

Nothing screams "new beginnings" like the number one.

It's never too late to start over and honestly, it doesn't have to be the 1st of any month to do that.

But it's a beautiful reminder to me that it's possible, and that none of us are ever too "used up" or "screwed up" to be brand new. To be healed and redeemed.

God loves to put those reminders everywhere.

Not just in 12 "firsts" of each month, but in 365 sunrises of each year, in the way that nature withers away but regrows again bright and beautiful, with each new season of weather, and especially with His relentless grace that chases me down every minute of every day.

All of creation echoes His praise, but all of His glory echoes our names.

His design was intentional to show us His heart.
But also, to prove His heart for us.

Examine any aspect of time, nature, or this universe, and you will find a parallel to God's plan to redeem us... to bring life to decay... to bring hope to the darkest places... to create beauty from ashes.

To make whole what was shattered.

He specializes in h e a l i n g.

Do you have those places that the second you drive past them, step foot onto them, or even just think of them, your heart floods with intense pain? Of the memories made there-- good or bad. The people who hurt you there. The past that seems to haunt you every time you are near it. Well if you know what I'm talking about, maybe you're like me, and you completely avoid those places at every cost.

But God is teaching me to do something quite the opposite of avoiding them. In order for any wound to heal, it has to come in direct contact with the Healer.
If you cut your knee open, you have to wash it out with soapy water, and that hurts worse than the initial cut. Putting pressure on your bleeding knee is more painful than what made it start bleeding.

But our wounds hurt the deepest when they're closest to the Healer. That's because He is cleaning, He is renewing, He is transforming, He is redeeming, and He is restoring.

For me, home is where the majority of those wounds are. And rather than me running from them, I've decided to go to them with the Healer, and let Him make NEW what has been shattered.

Rest assured, the finished product will always be more beautiful than before the wound. It will be different, but it will be stronger.  Let your scars be your story.

Let the healing process bring you even closer to the Healer.

It's a process, and it's painful.
But it's freeing.
And it's healing.
And if today you don't get it right, there are literally infinite chances for a new beginning tomorrow.

Actually, there's one right now.

Hosea 6:2-3
"In just a short time He will restore us, so that we may live in His presence. Oh, that we might know the Lord. Let us press on to know Him, He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn, of the coming of rains in early Spring."

Disabilities Displayed

This man has literally been blind since he entered the world. He's never seen ANYTHING.
Not a sunset, or a beautiful girl, how his face looks, what fingers look like, an autumn tree, or even a polar bear. (scratch that last example, neither have I.. but you get my point).

His ENTIRE life he has had to live with this blindness-- this disability-- this weakness.
I'm sure he's questioned his parents, his family, his friends time after time: WHY? Why would God do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to be different than everyone else?

He's endured  relentless ridicule from the community everyday and harrassment from the religious leaders for his "sin" that caused this disability.

But Jesus tells us in John 9 that this man's "weakness" wasn't the cause of sin, punishment or disability at all. In fact, Jesus says this man's blindness was given him by God SO THAT God's power could be seen IN HIM.

Jesus spits in some mud and restores his sight in an instant.

Hold up.

Don't you think that if this man had known since birth, that along with his blindness also would come an encounter with Jesus Himself, a miracle of healing done by Jesus, an opportunity for the world to see God's glory, salvation granted, and an entire chapter in the Bible about his story, that he would begin to view his weakness MUCH differently?

He would understand that God doesn't create weaknesses as disabilites, He creates them for our destinies. Each time someone threw ridicule his way, I bet he would've been able to shrug it off because his faith was in something greater... something to come.

No longer would he view it as his disability, but as his opportunity to meet Jesus face to face, and to be a beautiful display of God's power shining out of him for the entire world to see.

What if we could view our weaknesses the same way? Physical, mental, emotional, whatever it may be... however inconvenient, however painful, however constant, however different, however noticable, however ridiculed, however "unacceptable", however embarrassing... it is our platform to display God's power to the world.

Rather than letting our weaknesses hold us back, we're meant to let them push us forward to the glory that is to come. But this man didn't even know for the majority of his life that his destiny for greatness was found in his greatest disability. How fortunate that we are already told, that we can have FAITH in what is to come.

So stop fighting your weaknesses, surrender it to God, and let Him fulfill the destiny for greatness He created you for. And just like this man, the first thing you will lay your new eyes upon will be Jesus Himself, and the first thing the world will lay their eyes upon when they look at you, will be the power of Jesus displayed within you.

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Just One Word

Hearts.

These organs in our chest are the largest sustainer of life for all of us.

Without a heart beat, we wouldn’t be.

But the other kind of heart we have also dictates life or death… the one that keeps our eternity sustained. The one that loves, hurts, feels, and keeps our souls beating.

We don’t remind our hearts to do their job. No one wakes up and gives their aorta a pep talk about pumping blood all day long. It used to be that way with our other heart too. God created both hearts in perfect sync with His. Both only knew perfection, joy, freedom, and life.

Then sin came and broke what was perfect into a dead, flat EKG in our souls.

The choice to sin was ours, and when we seized it, the choice to who we give our hearts to also became our responsibility.

When I give my heart away to other things and any person, they now hold total control of it’s beating… it’s life, it’s value, it’s freedom, the way I view myself—how I LIVE.

If I give it to a person and they betray me, now I’m worthless and not as good as what they betrayed me for.

If I give it to a person and they give up on me, now I’m not worth fighting for, I’m useless.

If I give it to someone that hurts me deeply, now I’m not worth being loved, and in fact, I’m worth being hurt. I deserve to inflict pain upon myself.

If I give it to an addiction, it never feels satisfied. It never beats fast enough, so I try my hardest to give it more of what it wants. But I’m exhausted at keeping it going.

If I give it to my career or expectations from others, the second I don’t measure up, I’m a failure. A complete failure.

Or sometimes, I give it to a person, a thing, an addiction, or a dream, and they can treat it with so much love and care that it’s full of life and beats of joy…. But still… the one word you’re longing for from all of these things and all of these people is never being given.

You ask and search and you cry and try and you long from the deepest part of who you are to hear it, to be it:

E N O U G H

But these people, these things, these dreams, they all have something in common that prevents them from ever giving you this word:

They’re dying. They're broken. They're also searching. They are all apart of this temporary earth and contain mortal flesh.

It’s IMPOSSIBLE to infinitely affirm the eternity in our hearts with something that is temporary. Even with our deepest cries of desperation for that one word our entire lives, we will still be left giving our hearts to dead, hollow flesh.

The only logical and possible solution to give rest to our wandering and searching hearts is the only One who is eternal. The one who created us AS enough—as more than enough… as perfection. The One who restored our enough after we broke into shattered pieces of “almost”.

Thank you, Jesus for your grace.

Now I don’t have to give away my heart in hopes that I will be enough for its’ new owner. Once I gave it to Jesus, He reminds me with every new sunrise, every morning, that I’m forever enough because now, I’m forever His.

Eternally enough.

Sustained,

Claimed,

Immovable,

Untouchably,

His.

You're Allowed to be Naked

I remember earlier this year when my pain couldn't keep itself inside much longer and I went to a friend's to just ask for a hug... which even seemed uncomfortable to me. That little voice inside always loved to remind me: "You exist to be used." But I just needed somebody. He hugged me and I sobbed. Apologizing the whole time, I stopped myself eventually and afterwards I was like "okay, thanks! I feel much better now. All good. Bye!" The next day when I saw him, he told me that he held me to a higher standard than everyone else, that it didn't seem right that I had a "bad" day, that I should stop being sad, and that he just wanted me to be happy again like usual.

Regardless of his intentions behind those comments, that reinforced even deeper into my heart: You are not allowed to expose your weaknesses... you really aren't allowed to HAVE any. You exist FOR others. Your problems bother other people. You aren't worth the help, so start helping other people.

But I got tired. Exhausted. Running on empty, empty, empty. I was sick of being alone but I refused to let anyone in to help me. Because honestly, I had let people in before; and they just proved all the more that I existed to be used. So I was set on being the helper and strong one the rest of my life... and eventually all my problems would dissolve in the mix. Until one day running on empty couldn't cut it anymore, and I had absolutely nothing left to give.

Miserable, lonely, depressed, hurting, bitter, worthless, exhausted... And then Jesus showed up. He sent me people who refused to let me push them away and forced me to get to the roots of all my pain. He saved my life that I was ready to take from myself.

He blessed me with people who loved me FOR me.. not for what they could get FROM me. These are the people who have stuck by my side through all the messy heartbreak of recovery and the unveiling of my painful childhood. They don't hold me to any other standard but human. They let me be broken. I have found that being broken with each other is the most beautiful part of community. It's as if all the shattered pieces of our humanity can be knit together into a strong bond of friendship. 

You can only live your life for everyone else for so long. We can't serve, love, give, and LIVE to our fullest potential until we first allow ourselves be loved, served, and given to. Not only by the Creator of life, but by the specific brothers and sisters God has breathed life into surrounding us.

Of course people will hurt us, let us down, and can never be the ones to "fix" us... but the right ones can love us, support us, rejoice with us, cry with us, hold us when we can't hold ourselves, encourage us, be broken alongside us, share our burdens, and walk with us through our mess. THIS is true and godly friendship. 

Being openly broken together and loving each other because of it. 

If people won't walk with you through the fire, they don't deserve to walk with you through the sunshine.

God has shown me that just as walking closely with Him through the suffering grows our relationship, so it grows my earthly relationships. I'm no longer scared or ashamed to expose my brokenness to my community because I know they expect nothing less and nothing more. 

The people who are pursuing Jesus will love us like Jesus. Unconditionally, with zero expectations, and relentlessly. He is so good to provide exactly who we need, exactly when we need them. 

Let yourself be loved. 

You're worth it. 

Just Walk With Me

So I find myself here.

In the messiest, most unknown, challenging, and painful place I've ever been at in life.

For the first time, I don't know what's next. I don't have the slightest bit of an answer.

There are a hundred different paths in front of me. Each one holding massive amounts of fear, but each containing so much beauty as well.

It's funny as I realize how much my identity was wrapped into what others wanted and what I was doing, rather than who God created me to be.  As I'm stripped of everything I had planned, I've had no other choice than to ask God exactly who I am in Him.

As I ask Him every day to tell me, He not only answers my prayers, but He SHOWS me who HE is... and who I am because of it. 

The more honest and vulnerable I am with the broken condition of my heart, the more His grace comes flooding into every part of me. It's at my dirtiest that I experience his love the deepest. Yet, I spend so much time trying to do, look, overcome, fix, and BE better.

When in reality, my heart was designed to personally receive his love in it's exact condition... He made me this way (soul, heart, and body)  for a specific and exact purpose that can only be accomplished through EVERY PIECE of my flawed, imperfect, and unique existence. I've been fighting to get to a place that makes me more "lovable"... but He says: You've never been more lovable than at your most youiest. Resting in my broken ME-ness is where I'm most capable of receiving His perfect love.

So here I am... the farthest from order and known I've ever been, but the closest to Jesus I've ever found myself. If there's one thing He has spoken over me all day every day, it's this: Just walk with Me.

He doesn't ask me to get it all together before I can live. He just asks me to walk with Him through the process. When I finally accepted that promise, freedom broke off the heavy and overwhelming chains of worry and fear. I can do anything, I can go anywhere, I can face any fear, I can confront  the scariest pains of my past, and I can walk through any storm... because He is walking WITH me.

My mistake was seeking all the answers.
My answer was seeking Him instead.
He cares way more about our hearts than our circumstances and time frames.

He loves me deeper than I'll ever understand. All I have to do to receive it is BE... and nevertheless be ME? With every flaw, fear, and issue.... He is so relentless in pursuing my heart. It brings me to my knees as I ask Him WHY, Jesus? Why, even here at my messiest, do you love me still?
And through every cloud in the evening sky, every person He sends my way, and each promise He reminds me of, He whispers:  

Because you're Mine.


Romans 12:1-2

God loves me enough to break my foot

So, a HUGE rule for the patients at this Clinic is this: NO EXERCISE!!!

Especially enforced against us "over-exercisers". Which apparently running multiple times a day with the intention of burning off food and feeling guilty for not exceeding five miles would qualify me as? Or that's what they say... Reluctantly, I've had to agree with them.

This has been one of the HARDEST things for me to comply with. It's a huge way I cope and find peace.

It was my second week at the clinic and I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to run. So much stress and pain and not-moving. I was gonna do it. I didn't care. So I left with flip flops on my feet. When they asked where I was going, I was able to say: Just for a walk! See I have flip flops on :)

Oh, what a fool I was as I look back on this story; I can't help but laugh. I didn't run too far, but regardless I ran.... in flip flops. It started to hurt my foot pretty bad after awhile but I kept going until finally I had to resort to speed walking from the pain.

I got back to the clinic and went to sleep with that throbbing pain in my foot.... And it didn't go away... for the whole week. I began to worry slightly so I asked some medically inclined friends and my nurse what they thought after admitting that I had ran against medical permission.

"Hannah, you have a stress fracture."

We did some research and sure enough, that is definitely what had happened in those specific metatarsels of my foot. The only way to heal a stress fracture? REST! NO EXERCISE OR STRENUOUS ACTIVITY. Hm. What could happen if you decide to do so anyway? You will break your foot and potentially need surgery. Hm.

Real funny, God. I get it.

Am I still tempted to run every day? Absolutely. But then I remember what could be worse... a few weeks of not running or a few months of a cast?

As frustrating as this injury has been, I have never felt so LOVED by God. He will do whatever He has to in order to heal me... to rescue me.... to ensure I am following the steps I need to in order to recover.

He loves me THAT MUCH to discipline me. What a good Daddy He is. So be careful the next time you decide to run from His path... sometimes quite literally.... you never know what He will do to keep you in the right direction.

A Dream Come True

I saw her.

She was an adorable little black girl with a sparkly bow in her hair. She was running in chaotic circles around her house on a huge property. She looked afraid. Sometimes she laughed, but there was something behind her smile that seemed confused... it seemed painful.

Her mom was at the front door begging her to come home. She tried everything. She even chased her a few times, but still couldn't get her to return. As I walked past, something stirred in my heart to go help.

I walked right up to her little, lost face; I scooped her tired body up into my arms without a fight, and together, we began to walk back towards the house.

She clung tightly to my chest. I kept assuring her that I loved her, and it was going to be alright. She looked up at me with watery eyes and said she prayed and asked God to send her someone to take her home... someone to rescue her. A smile spread across my lips and I said: "He sent me for you. I'm here to rescue you and take you home."

The rest of our walk to the house consisted of laughter and "i love you" 's. When we finally arrived, her mother couldn't stop crying and thanking me for returning her beloved daughter.


And then I woke up.


Tears filled my sleepy eyes. I immediately paralleled the dream to a confirmation from God that I would one day BE that rescuer my heart so desires to be for lost children across the world. I knew He used it to remind me that He hadn't forgotten-- that one day soon I will be able to rescue the oppressed and help return the lost to their homes.

I rushed to tell my own mother how vividly God had spoken to me through my dream. She stopped and said:

"Hannah, I think God wants to rescue you."                       

Could that be why He has postponed my dream/vision/trip to Africa for now?
Through these last few weeks, He has given me a loud, resounding, and constant "YES!!!!"

That same day as I was reading in Isaiah, I came across this verse word for word in Isaiah 60:4: "...your little daughters will be carried home." ...... Laughing out loud I thought, okay Jesus. I believe you. I get it.

I've lived in denial, honest ignorance, and justification of a problem I've had for almost ten years...

Call it what you will, but the effects of it go so much deeper than the medical terminology for it.

The doctor will call it an eating disorder. But I would call it my prison cell. 

I didn't think it was even an issue anymore, honestly. I  was "over and past that" years ago. Who cares if I skip meals here and there and run until I throw up? I deserve it right? No big deal. It's not as bad as it used to be. I'm fine.

And I lived with that "fine" and happily carried on with my life. Sure it came and went. Sometimes worse than others depending on where I was at in life. Until one day...

When it became a deeper issue than "not liking my body".  I hated myself. I hated myself so badly that I thought I deserved to hurt myself. I was convinced my worth, my beauty, my identity my feelings... none of it mattered if I was "fat". Depression like I've never known it before hit me so hard in the face every day that I couldn't even get out of bed. My emotions started to numb and all I felt was pain, anger, and hatred for myself.

In a very short time, this disorder began to completely steal my joy, take away who I was, crush my dreams, and make me miserable.

Consumed, broken, hurting, confused and SO very lost.

Thank God for friends who love me enough to force me to get help. So that's where I've been... spending everyday in a hospitalized clinic for recovery. Admitting this in general is extremely hard for me. But going through the process of recovery, tears, anger, and reliving things from my past I want to forget more than anything has been the hardest.

But God is healing me, friends. He is cleaning out the clutter of my past. He is speaking the truth over my heart and my life. He is walking with me through every tear filled day. He is showing me exactly how HE feels about me. He is showing me He loves me every moment of the day. More than anything, He is teaching me that He delights in rescuing me and taking me back home. Now when I re-read my dream, I place myself as the little daughter in the story... and I see Jesus play the part that I've been trying to for so many years.

He loves me NOW. He wants me even in this place. In the most broken, weak, shameful, and helpless place. He still loves me. Every day He tells me again in a new and special way: "I am here for you. I am here to rescue you and take you home."

Starting to Stop

If you continue to go, go go... someday God will eventually force you to S T O P.

We're only human. We can't run forever.

Many times, we don't even realize that we're running away. Until one day when you've been forced to slow down, you're face to face with this destruction in your life... It's around you, it's inside you, and it's behind you.

Things you were sure you conquered years ago, memories you wanted so badly to push away because you were "over them", shame from actions against you that you didn't have control over, pain in the deep places of your heart you thought was healed because you no longer felt it, addictions you thought were long gone because you hadn't struggled in so long....

But the TRUTH,
The REALITY,

when life gets paused and you're no longer able to fill up every minute with work, school, laughter, media, and people. Or for me, when the plan you had been banking your entire life on gets interrupted....

you see that the pain is still there. Those memories are still haunting. The bitterness has been chewing away your heart. Like a desolate wilderness, a forest fire had been devouring all these parts of me I was running from.

How did I get here?

Because  I    r a n.

For ten years I've run from house to house, person to person, hobby to hobby. I thought when pain was absent, that meant I was healed. But that's like trying to say that when oxygen is present, your breathing is 100% fine.... but what if your lungs are collapsing? The presence of oxygen has no reason to indicate your breathing will be ensured if something is wrong with you and your lungs.

Would you spend all your time trying to adjust the oxygen levels around you?
Or would you go straight to your lungs, where the problem truly lies?

Instead, we go from breathing machine to breathing machine. It sustains us for a bit, then we need another.

So many of us do this with our lives.
We do everything we can to change our circumstance, tweak our environments, and even fix the people around us. And it works for awhile. We stop feeling pain, we feel happiness and peace... But it never lasts. And eventually we're left searching for the next outward variable that needs changed. 

All the while, we're completely ignoring the destruction of our life source: our breathing.... our hearts.

How silly it sounds. But how often I do this.

Jesus makes it abundantly clear that HE is the only source of living water... Water that has the ability to satisfy us forever, not just for a season. But we must be willing to stop running, to let ourselves get a drink from the proper source.

But that means we have to stop distracting ourselves from our pain. We have to come face to face with our pasts. We must feel the hurt we've suppressed for years. We have to let HIM fill us up. 

It's the scariest, hardest, most painful thing I have ever had to do. But I trust God that freedom is worth every tear. And if I get more of Him and His presence close to my heart, I'll do whatever it takes...

Even if that means to stop running.

As I just finished reading Isaiah, God has spoken this truth over and over and over again: He DELIGHTS in rescuing you... In rescuing me. He will do whatever it takes. He wants you home. He cares about YOU, not what you're caught up in, trapped inside, or addicted to.

I'll save my next post for that topic :)

God is faithful, and He has beautiful things for you. Stop running and perfecting your oxygen, face the wound inside.

The Relief to be Weak

I thought the decision to leave the college I adored and best friends I loved with my whole heart would be the hardest choice I'd have to make this year... I was wrong.  

I have cried more tears in the last month than I think I have in my entire life. And if you've ever met me, you know that is NOT something I am known for.... and especially not something I like to tell people.

I was convinced all the 3 hour sobs, roller coaster emotions, painful days and nights, battles with sin, and past baggage/health issues I was swimming through was just expected and normal before moving to Africa with a one-way ticket. And I was absolutely convinced it would all disappear the second I stepped foot onto a new continent.

I pretty much felt so lost and confused within my own mess I had fought so hard to get myself out of that Africa was the last thing on my mind. The only reason it began to look appealing was to be free from all I was dealing with.

Many people have told me that I am brave. Brave for flying across the world and giving up everything to serve the poor and fight injustice. I could never understand why they would think I was brave for being strong. That's all I have ever been in my life: strong. Or at least, that's what I've always fought to be.

With a crashing and painful dose of reality, God is teaching me what real courage ACTUALLY looks like.

It's allowing yourself to be weak. To stop pretending to be strong. To stop trying to fix yourself. To admit you have a problem. To seek HELP and admit I can't do it by myself.

Once I realized how self-consumed in my own health issues and sin struggles I was, I arrived at one of the hardest choices of my life: I'm not ready to go serve selflessly and help others if I, myself, am not helped and recovered from my own battles.

Also this choice to not leave for Africa on the date I had planned is SO PAINFUL, my heart is covered in infinite amounts of PEACE. And THAT is what assures me it's the right decision.

Will I ever be perfect? Absolutely not. But I believe I can be restored, redeemed, and at a healthy place of recovery one day very soon to go be HIS hands and feet of joy, hope, love, and life.

I'm still going to Africa :) Just not as soon as I had hoped and banked on... I am choosing to trust in what I cannot see. God's ways are better than my desires and expectations. I know, without a doubt, He has infinite purpose in this detour in my journey and I'm actually EXCITED to watch that unfold.

I still have my plane ticket. I am still going to go. I just am unsure of the exact date that will be changed to. I PRAY AND HOPE sooner than later... but my focus right now is getting healthy and to a good place so that I can go boldly and selflessly accomplish all that God has for me.

If you have supported me financially, your money is locked away safely I assure you and WILL be used once I go. God is a God who heals. But His timing is not mine, so I have to trust the process He has set before me. I am asking you to pray for me as this is extremely heart breaking and difficult for me to accept.

I am excited for God to heal, restore, prepare, provide, teach, and most of all draw me closer to His heart in this time. Thank you for your support. I am indescribably thankful for the people God has given to help me through this time and speak the truth to me even when it hurts.

I am humbled. I am scared. I am anxious. I am broken. I am weak. I don't have answers. I am hurting. I don't understand. I am confused. I am thankful. I am angry. I am crushed.

I AM RELIEVED.

Relieved that God knows the future I can't see. Relieved that He is already working and healing. Relieved that no day on this earth goes without purpose if I am walking it with Him. Relieved that I don't have to try and fix myself alone any longer. Relieved that He knows exactly when I'll be in Africa. Relieved that He knows the answers I can't know quite yet. Relieved that He has my best in mind. Relieved that He loves me through each day of this struggle. Relieved that nothing I can do will ever stop His purpose and plan for me.



Thank you for your continual support, our God is good... and His timing is perfect.

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind." Isaiah 58:8

Feeling is Healing

27 days until my big move and I feel pretty unprepared in every possible way.

Packing, immunizations, fundraising, doctor visits, distractions, worries, baggage of my past, and qualification.

God has been doing major things in my heart these last few weeks I'm here in America. Maybe someday I'll be able to write about it all. It's been overwhelming, humbling, intense, and most of all painful. But what all those things add up to? H E A L I N G.

He is teaching me that even when I can't FEEL Him working, He IS.
Even when all I FEEL is pain, He is reconstructing.
Even when I am overtaken with FEAR, He is building strength.
Even when my broken condition brings HOPELESSNESS, He is chasing me with hope.
Even when I want to crawl and hide, He is running after me with unending grace and love.

My feelings can't dictate His character. Thank you, Jesus for always being the same.

He is making ALL things NEW. New is uncomfortable, unknown, yet desired by all of us isn't it?
Most of us are unwilling to accept the changes it requires for the beauty it would bring.

Even this shattered, dysfunctional, selfish, damaged, human heart of mine.

I believe with every single beat my heart produces, God is piecing together a NEW and healed heart that looks like HIS.

Psalm 18:19 "He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me."

No matter where God takes me,  He is constantly rescuing my heart all over again every day.

And He enjoys it! Think about that. He DELIGHTS in rescuing, romancing, and healing your heart.

My feelings are not the truth. HE IS MY TRUTH. I am called to stand FIRM in what He has told me, no matter how strongly I may feel the opposite. I think of Jesus and His death. He begged God, his Father, for another way to bring us all back to Himself.

Yet He trusted despite His feelings. Because He KNEW that the Father always knows our best. 

And look at the beautiful promise on the other side of His pain. God sees the whole picture because He wrote the story. Let Him rescue you and make you new as you follow His calling. You have to FEEL in order to HEAL. 

Letting the Master Piece Me Back Together

Lately, I have had SO much happening and going on in both my life and my heart that I have been too overwhelmed to write about any of it...

Pain, heartbreak, discouragement, betrayal, sin, and a whole lot of tears.

I would often think, "I should write about this." But then before I'd let myself consider the thought, I'd interrupt myself with: "You can NOT tell people that!!!"

I have this issue of letting people see my weakness and being transparent with my brokenness.
Because I'm strong gosh dangit! I don't need people who will just hurt me to help me with my issues. I can handle it..... Right?

God reminded me as I've come so close to the bottom yet again today:  w   r  o  n  g.

It is IN my weakness that I have any strength at all.
It is IN my weakness that He can come invade my heart with who He is.
It is IN my weakness that I am able to grow.
It is IN my weakness that I'm reminded how much I NEED Him.
It is IN my weakness that He is made famous. 

The more broken I am, the more beautiful He proves to be.

Being broken and admitting weakness is P A I N F U L. There's another word for this. It's SURRENDER.

How quickly I forget His faithfulness in my willingness to surrender.

How often I spill my fear of people giving up on me in my weakness into a fear of Jesus giving up on me.

The Truth is that He died, sacrificed everything, and took the world's brokenness upon Himself so that He could know my shattered heart and help mend it back together again.

So I'm choosing to rejoice in my brokenness. My prayer is that He will take my shattered heart, my dying body, and my distorted mind, and He will heal them into something NEW. Something that looks a whole lot different than before. Something a whole lot like HIM.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "Each time He said, 'My grace is all you need. My power is made perfect in your weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."

If HE is the Master, I have to give Him EVERY shattered piece of me. Only He can piece together bit by bit, something brand new and beautiful.... until it becomes His  m a s t e r p i e c e

Justice versus Comfort

Sometimes the fear of what I will miss out on keeps me in a phase of hesitation towards Africa...

Little things I love like hot showers after long runs. Or ice cream cones. Or the friends I'll leave behind.

The list is much longer than that. Some things are silly like ice cream but some are more serious like relationships.

These comforts and things I love and hold tightly to are so little on the big scale of eternity... But sometimes they feel so heavy that they turn into fear which leads to doubt.

But God has been whispering something into my heart recently...

I am made for so much more than the average and comfortable life. I have one life on earth and I can use it however I choose. I'm deciding to live it with and FOR Jesus. I will give justice to the oppressed and rescue the afflicted. I will wash the feet of the dirty and give hope to the broken. I surrender the things I cannot see and the pain I cannot change. I want God MORE. More than comfortable, more than a husband, more than easy, more than a known future, more than answers, more than anything.

And I can't gain without a sacrifice..... He sacrificed EVERYTHING for me, surely I can give up nothing less.

As God continues to give me a heart for J U S T I C E, these things I hold onto seem less and less important.

Saving a life and spreading His hope far outweighs me getting something I "want".

And what's even more beautiful? As I follow His plan and surrender my own, He WILL give me the desires of my heart. Because He will make my heart more like HIS. And THAT, is what I need.

He's a lot like the O C E A N

I couldn't seem to get out of this funk I found myself in... I felt restless and needed some time away from reality. So naturally, I drove to the beach.

When I drove up near the coast and heard the waves I immediately pulled into the first public access I could find. I parked my car, grabbed my towel, and darted for the white sand.

I arrived right as the sun was going down and got some quality time to read in peace before dusk.

Colors started to shine out of the painted clouds above the blue-green salty water and I sprinted back to my car to drop off my things. Jesus and I were about to have some serious time together walking on the beach into the sunset.

I began my journey on the soft sand and began to pray.

All I heard were waves crashing upon the shore and rushing water over my toes. P E A C E

I walked and walked and walked and walked some more until finally the colors were so magnificent in the sky I wanted to cry. Before I knew it, the rainbow clouds turned into a black sky full of radiant s t a r s  glowing above the water.

I realized something: He's a lot like the ocean.

As I looked to my left and saw only water for miles upon miles, I saw Him in the endless sea. He is so vast and deep... we can never fully understand all that He is or all the mystery that He contains. But He is beautiful... So, so beautiful.

He just calls me to walk the shore alongside Him.

The waves never stop crashing upon the shore. They are always singing... He is always speaking. With every wave, He shares a little more of who He is.

Sometimes they just reach my toes. Sometimes they come up to my knees. And sometimes they even splash me in the face.

And the best part is that He will ALWAYS bring me back to Himself... The waves are, without question, every time,  pulled back into the ocean.

As I walk with Him next to me, He will never leave or stop being who He is. I just need to keep walking... Trusting that He will continue to splash me with His love as I walk towards the Son.

It is well with my soul.

My heart has been facing so much hesitation.

Fear of sacrifice and fear of inadequacy like to creep their way into my head little by little and before I know it, I find myself doubting.

But WHAT IF God really doesn't love me, or want GOOD for me?
But WHAT IF nothing works out?
But WHAT IF I'm not ready?
But WHAT IF I lose this or this or that or this?
And then my heart feels like it's spiraling out of control and I feel consumed with hopeless doubts.

WHOAHHHHHH there, Hannah.... God never hesitates, He only initiates. 

Anything He initiates, you better believe He will  f i n i s h.

With all this chaos I was pushing away in the deep places of my heart, I craved some kind of relief. So I went to church to worship. Worship always kicks my heart back in place to where God first intended it to be: focused on Him.

I was standing there praying for God to speak, and the words echoed throughout the church:
             "It is well with my soul"

Tears filled my eyes as I felt  P  E  A  C  E. . .

Jesus, wherever, whenever, or however long, I will go. I TRUST YOU.  It is well with my soul.

I was reminded that anything I am afraid of "losing" is never worth keeping if I don't end up gaining more of Jesus.

As long as I have Him, everything else is irrelevant.


But, Lord, it's for You, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

The 2 most P A I N F U L words

Philippians 3:13 "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead."

I've had to hold so tightly to this verse multiple times a day.

We all experience P A I N.
Some of us more than others, some of us more often than not, some of us deeper than most.
I believe with all my heart that the pain I've experienced in my life has served to make me more like JESUS. I am learning it is a  p r i v e l e d g e  to suffer with Him as my Comforter.

Painful as pain is, it's necessary. It's a tool that shapes our hearts. But WE have the power to let it defeat and define us, or let it direct us and strengthen us.

Since I was a young girl, I've been betrayed by those who were supposed to love me most... siblings, best friends, family and relatives. I've learned many lessons the hard way about relationships, family, love, expectations, selflessness, abuse, and trust. 

The most difficult thing about the pain inflicted UPON us is how we treat the wound. Many of us never leave the scab alone that God is trying to heal. We pick and pick until it reopens and bleeds again and wonder why the pain refuses to cease. Or maybe you're like me and impatiently want the pain to just disappear overnight.

I'm no cardiologist, and even if I was, I would never know the perfect remedy for the deep wounds in my heart. So who would? How about the CREATOR of my heart; the One who sustains the flow to keep it beating? The One who is named Healer; the One whose heart was broken FOR mine on a cross.

I have realized the 2 hardest words in life for me are these: LET GO.

Even without having the answers in front of me, God is teaching me that I don't need them. I need HIM. I need to trust HIM. He has more beauty and blessing than I could ever imagine beyond the pain that I am holding onto.

                   Just look at Jesus.

Open up your hearts and let Him invade the wound that you won't leave alone. Those wounds do NOT define you, they shape you and turn your eyes towards The Healer. The future is always brighter because Jesus is constantly making us N E W.

He is FOR you. He wants to heal your pain and shape your heart even more like His.

Let
  it
 G O

Accidental Lessons in Atlanta Part 1

After blowing my rear tire and flattening the front, I discovered an adorable coffee shop in Atlanta next to the tire repair shop.

My next visit to Atlanta went a little more smoothly and I returned to the same coffee bar; this time, on purpose. I was excited to see my new friend, Charlotte, and spend a couple hours reading with Jesus and my iced Chai tea.

I started reading 1 Kings where it discusses Solomon's Temple.

It gave an extensive description of the temple... It included things like 400 pomegranates covering the ceilings for luscious, red color and fountains that were shaped like water lillies. How beautiful does that sound??

Each verse was drenched in crazy amounts of detail. Winding stairs resembling a fairytale, golden flowers for royalty and specific measurements/numbers down to the last square inch of the temple.

As I was captivated by the design dancing off the pages, something hit me:

God cares about the details. 
He LOVES the beautiful details.

1 Kings 5:5 stresses that the temple is being built in order TO honor the name of the Lord.

It couldn't help but make me think that maybe that's why God pays attention to the details so closely. He is all about His glory and receiving honor for HIS name. So if a project is FOR his honor, why wouldn't He ensure the most intricate and beautiful design down to the last detail?

Then I felt His love speak to me in that place. If He gives such specific attention to a building project, then what MORE focus would He put on MY life and MY story? Both for His glory, but we, as His children, are His  p r i z e d  possession.

He has a story for each of us if we are willing to accept the offer. A story written by the author of beauty, love, all that is good, and every single DETAIL.

It snatches my stress away, whispers my fears to the grave, and gives me P E A C E about the unknown... He cares enough to hold each detail in their perfect position for the story He has written for Him and I together.

OKC Tornadoes: The Ultimate Reconstruction

 It looked like someone had tossed everything for miles into a giant mixing bowl and spread it out like brownies in a pan... car windows, teddy bears, Christmas ornaments, coloring books, gutters, washing machines, shards of glass, trees, ketchup, ford rangers, high school year books, fridges, nail polish, couches... memories... peoples' scattered lives.

Just like my camera can never capture the majesty of the stars or the moon, it couldn't capture the brokenness surrounding me.

I realized something. Everything I saw was just an outward reflection of something deeper. We are all victims of a devastating tornado of the heart. Our lives are just as broken and hopeless as the twisted up house and fence I was standing upon. As I looked across the vast open neighborhoods covered in debri, I saw people's hurting hearts above their mangled homes.

The tornado surfaced the brokenness we all have within us.
As we are equally and hopelessly broken and destroyed, it may appear overwhelming... but Jesus is never overwhelmed. He defeated overwhelmed. He went underneath it in the grave to find the victory of reconstruction.

I couldn't rebuild every house in those neighborhoods, or convince the homeowners that everything would be roses and sunshine from here on out, but I could love them one person and one minute at a time.

However, Jesus can always do what I never can, better than I ever could. 

I saw the power of the Cross reflected within all that devastation. In ONE moment as chaos, pain, and destruction overtook a home, an opportunity arose for b e a u t y. Just like Jesus on the Cross. The process to take Him upon the Cross was horrible, ugly, painful, unjust, and seemingly hopeless... yet wrapped within that terror, a beautiful opportunity arose: JESUS. From the grave... giving life eternally and endlessly. 

Watching a community come together to support, rebuild, offer resources, and just love those in need was so powerful. Meeting people who lost so much yet had so much joy was incredible. Serving people will always serve you more. 

As He RESCUED us from the destruction of our sinful lives, He will walk with us through the process of reconstruction. Slowly, daily, one brick at a time, one wall at a time, one heart at a time.

Ephesians 3:17 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong."

John 16:33 "I have told you all this so you may have PEACE in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

An Oklahoma Sleepover

I'm learning that the most challenging things are usually the most beautiful.

I packed up my car 103% full of clothes, food, shampoo, toilet paper, cash, water bottles, etc. from friends/strangers of my Alabama community and myself. I mapquested Oklahoma City, OK from Auburn, AL and wrote down the directions on a purple piece of construction paper with a silver sharpie.

I left around 3:42 am and drove into OKC about 6:30 pm. Something about road trips by myself is my favorite. I loveeee the solitude and intimate time with Jesus. When I got a couple hours from OKC my heart started to freak out. It began to hit me that I had NO idea what I was gonna do once I got there, where I would be staying, or who I'd be connecting with.

The whole time on the road, all those worries were in the back of my mind. Funny enough, God kept sending me reminders along the way. The words "Trust Jesus" were spray painted on the overpass and the random gas station lady told me: "Trust and follow Jesus". Even if I forget to remind myself of the truth, God will remind me through any other means necessary. 

Something happened once reality set in of all the unknown two hours in front of me: I NEEDED God.
My heartbeat increased like a stampede of the buffalo in view from my windows. I began to pray. But not like a "I need to set aside time and talk to Jesus about my day and the things going on in my life and try not to get distracted as I do so" kind of prayer... But intentional and incessant pleas for provision.

"I know that You will provide exactly WHAT I need, WHEN I need it." I kept saying that over and over again no matter how much my feelings disagreed. Despite my exploding nerves as I drove in solitude, I had so much PEACE. I couldn't figure out why. But now, looking back, I see it was because as I prayed in desperation, I was closer to God than ever before. The closer I am to Him, the more I experience what He is: Peace (The opposite of worry).

Little did I know that arriving in OKC was just the beginning of that desperation. Getting ANYWHERE was a process, a detour, and an inconvenience. I stopped just about everywhere for directions, help, a connection, or some kind of answer... The whole time praying: God, you brought me here, please give me what I need, when I need it. Churches, Starbucks, hotels, Schools.. anytime I thought an answer was there, it fell through.

When I drove on the overpass and saw the destruction to my left and to my right, it felt anything but real. Then I prayed that dangerous prayer: "God, break my heart for these people who have lost so much; let me take some of their burden." Funny how He does indeed answer our prayers.

It was almost midnight and I was beyond discouraged, exhausted, and ready to give up. Literally EVERY hotel in the area was completely full because of the tornadoes. (Except for ONE super sketch Motel 6 that was covered in drunk men with white vans). The last one I tried was La Quinta Inn.

They too were full, but the lady at the front desk was working that time by no mistake. I think she noticed my makeup smeared eyes from tears and overall defeated exterior. I finally decided the only option was to sleep in my car. Linda had a raspy voice that broke into laughter at the end of every single sentence. I loved that. She gave me a big hug and told me that some of the best nights of her life were spent sleeping in her car, so I should be excited for the adventure. She showed me exactly where to park my car where it wouldn't get towed, led me to a big bathroom to get ready for bed, and told me when Continental breakfast took place and to help myself. She walked me outside and asked for me to join her on her smoke break for a bit. We talked about life and laughed a lot.

I told her about what I prayed upon arrival and we laughed together as we both quickly realized that God definitely answered my prayer in a way that I wasn't quite ready for. I told her about Jesus and how much He changed my life. She encouraged me so much and I immediately realized God's purpose in it all.

I crawled in my backseat surrounded by trash bags of clothes and bananas. Covered in the residue of road trip grime, I made a bed out of the clothes I had packed. I got out my journal and Bible and began to have some of the best time with The Lord I ever have. He really had turned my sobbing into laughing. I had so much joy that I couldn't stop thanking Him for the crazy and exhausting journey so far. It was the best sleepover I'd ever had.

I fell asleep surprisingly quick on my pillow made of hoodies, but woke up with a loud pounding on my car. It was hailing so hard that I was nervous my sunroof would shatter. The sky was that freakish orange color and thunder and lightning were crashing all around me. My car was vigorously shaking in the wind and I could literally see a destroyed neighborhood across the highway in front of me. My phone only had 7% power so I called my dad in a frantic tear fest asking him to check the weather in Moore, OK as fast as he could. He said no tornado warnings but that a pretty nasty storm was definitely in the area. YA THINK DAD???

I felt relief knowing that a tornado was not on the ground, but was still pretty terrified sitting in my car with an almost dead phone in the middle of tornado alley. Once again, I began to pray. I opened my Bible and the page fell on Psalm 103.

13 The Lord is like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
¹⁴ For he knows how weak we are;
    he remembers we are only dust.
¹⁵ Our days on earth are like grass;
    like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
¹⁶ The wind blows, and we are gone—
    as though we had never been here.
¹⁷ But the love of the Lord remains forever
    with those who fear him.

 I clutched my Bible against my chest and held onto those verses with it as I lay back down asking God to keep me safe. The sun eventually rose, the sky cleared, and I heard birds singing and it was the best sound on the planet. I couldn't help but smile and laugh as I thought about the night before. God DID provide everything I needed. He provided exactly what I asked for: to break my heart for the people who lost their homes. I only experienced a tiny taste of losing a home and fearing a storm, but I experienced something even better: Reliance on Jesus, time with Him, laughter with Him, sobbing with Him, and at every single stop I made, God sent me a stranger that needed hope.

Our journey walking with The Lord never goes quite how we plan, but it always goes the way that He planned. He knew that on June 4th, 2013 I would be having a sleepover with Him in my car eating chocolate animal crackers, laughing hysterically, crying incessantly, and He knew THAT would be the day He captivated my heart even more.

58 Minutes

I work a lot.

Generally on the days that I work both my jobs, my day starts around 4:45 am and is non-stop until about 11 pm.

I treasure my time in the car because I get to SIT and I get to be STILL. 

Many of my most intimate times with The Lord have happened while I've been driving down the streets.

But today was different.

I was SO thankful to have time to come home between jobs in order to shower off espresso and chocolate syrup. Somehow it manages it's way on my legs, arms, and all tangled into my hair. With a quick shower, reapplication of makeup, and new set of work clothes, I looked at the clock.

4:02pm

I squealed and did a happy dance in my room. 58 entire minutes to BE?!

The options of what I could use those precious minutes for ran through my mind.

I could watch 2 episodes of Good Luck Charlie.
I could take a quick power nap.
I could call my mom or a friend and update them on my life.
I could listen to Taylor Swift and stalk on FaceBook.

Then something hit me. I could do any of those things. But what I craved, what I wanted, and really what I needed, was time to just BE with Jesus.

I rolled off of the bed, set my alarm for two minutes before work, and tossed my iPhone across the room.

Literally as I knelt and lay on the floor, I felt such a peace overtake me. I began to pray and just talk with The Lord...I realized: THIS is being. THIS is what He wants. THIS IS WORSHIP.

Laying at His feet. Being still. Abandoning worry. Saying "goodbye" to fear. Surrendering myself. Spending time in His presence.

Those 58 minutes fueled the rest of my busy night until I sat down in my car after midnight and headed to sleep.

 I'll never take for granted any minute of the day I have to BE with Him. Because at any moment as I'm being still, there is no telling what He may whisper to my heart or what life He may breathe into my lungs.

Living with a Mission

Life is not about me. Life on this earth is one breath of air. Life after earth goes on forever. Life is all about Jesus. Life is a gift. Life is only alive if it's being lived.

If I have no idea how long I'll have this life on earth, why wouldn't I seize every opportunity everyday alongside Jesus in everything I do?

Here's what God is teaching me: Every day is a mission trip. 

Here's why: Hurting people are everywhere. 

I could be in Africa, Tipp City Ohio, a circle K gas station, trying on clothes in Target, Oklahoma, at work for 17 hours, making dinner for friends, a Tennessee Subway, or walking down the street giving flowers to strangers, and my mission never changes.

As long as my perspective remains, the circumstance does not matter.

I exist to give hope and reflect the One whom I love: Jesus.

As I walk with Christ and His power to do the impossible lives in my heart, it would only make sense to chase the impossible and pursue the hurting and broken people to my left and to my right.

His endless pursuit of my heart is the driving force behind my mission. As I'm captivated by His love, I'm pushed to pursue the hurting and give them the hope He whispers to me every single moment of the day.